


Broken Minds

by BayleyWinchester



Series: Broken Minds and Beautiful Souls [1]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Protective Steve Rogers, Recovery, Slow Burn, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicide, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-05-19 16:28:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 48,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14877329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BayleyWinchester/pseuds/BayleyWinchester
Summary: When Steve Rogers came home he didn’t expect to see blood on his door handle.~~It had been a month since the fall of Hydra, a month since Steve had last since Bucky. He never expected to see his oldest friend sitting on his bed, covered in blood and scared. Steve did the only thing he could think of doing, he invited his friend into his life and gave him a hot chocolate. What else would he do?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> Basically, I'm bitter about Civil War (still lol all these years later) and I want something better for my boys Steve and Bucky, so I wrote this.

When Steve Rogers came home he didn’t expect to see blood on his door handle. 

His day had been bad enough, dealing with the aftermath of bringing down a thing like SHIELD was bad enough. Add to that an evil genius in Florida and all Steve wanted to do was fall asleep for three weeks - or seventy years. But, he walked into his hallway and was on high alert when he saw the blood trail to his apartment. He pulled his shield over his head and secured it on his arm. He really, really didn’t want to fight someone but it looked like the world had other plans. 

The door was locked and for a brief moment, Steve thought maybe, just maybe, no one was in his apartment. But then he unlocked the door and pushed it open, blood in the hallway leading into his bedroom. He sighed, closing the door behind him. Whoever had broken in had taken the time to lock the door behind them which wasn’t something Steve had seen before. The person must have been injured as well, each step had more blood than the last. 

Preparing for a fight Steve stopped in his tracks at the sight before him. 

Bucky was sitting on his bed, cross-legged with his hands folded on his lap and his head down. A black backpack sat beside him. Steve stood in the doorway silently for a moment, not sure how to react to this. A few seconds later Bucky looked up, he looked terrified, his eyes darting all around the room then landing on Steve before darting around again. His posture was rigid but wound up, as if he was ready to sprint if he needed to.

Steve looked at Bucky’s chest, a large gash went right across his black top, blood seeping out. Bucky followed Steve’s gaze and flinched ever so slightly, honestly if Steve wasn’t a trained super soldier he doubted he would have caught the moment. 

The last time Steve had seen Bucky was in the helicarrier. He didn’t know what happened after the fall but he had guessed Bucky had been the one to pull him out before disappearing. Now, almost a month later, he was back. What state he was in, that was a question Steve needed answering. 

“Bucky?” Steve asked quietly. His head snapped back up, distrust and fear present in his eyes that were partly shielded by his dirty hair. “Are you okay?”

The nod Bucky gave was as small as his flinch. He maintained eye contact with Steve though, which Steve saw as a good thing. But he was lying, he obviously wasn’t okay if the small puddle of blood surrounding him was anything to go by. 

“You’re hurt.”

“Stab wound. Administered approximately six hours ago. Does not inhibit movement or functionally.” 

Steve held back his own flinch at Bucky’s words. He sounded like a robot, nothing like the man he was. But he nodded anyway, at least he knew when it happened. “Does it hurt?” 

Where before Bucky had looked scared, he just looked confused now. As if the question was something strange and again Steve had to hold off a flinch. “Does not inhibit movement or functionally,” he repeated slowly. 

“I know that, does it hurt?”

“I do not need help. It will heal without medical assistance.”

“Buck-” Bucky’s flinch was visible this time “-I just want to know if it hurts, so I can help.”

“Yes,” Bucky replied. His tone was clipped and the reply short, his eyes flicking between Steve’s face and the shield on his arm. Clearly, he was scared which broke Steve’s heart a little bit more. 

Steve nodded slightly, “I’m going to put my shield down now okay?” Bucky didn’t move so he guessed that meant it was okay. He pulled the shield off his arm and lent it against the wall, close enough to grab it if the situation went south. “Can I help you with your cut?”

Bucky looked down at his chest and back to Steve. He didn’t answer. Steve stared at him for a little longer, determining his guarded expression to be confusion again. With a heavy heart, Steve guessed the confusion stemmed from being asked if he could be helped, something Steve doubted Hydra did very often. “I don’t want to hurt you,” Steve continued. “Buck, I just want to check on your cut. May I?”

“You-” he hesitated and Steve smiled, encouraging him to continue “-you used to get hurt and I would help you. I think.”

With a nod, Steve stepped forward. Instantly Bucky moved, so fast Steve had trouble keeping up. He sprung off the bed, standing opposite Steve, with a pocket knife in his hand and pointed towards Steve. Steve held his hands up and stepped back again. This seemed to calm Bucky who relaxed so the knife was by his side but he was still tense, ready to strike if needed. 

“Sorry Buck, you’re safe here. I’m sorry.”

Bucky’s eyes went everywhere but Steve and silence hung heavy in the air. Bucky spoke softly “we knew each other. When we were young.”

Again Steve nodded, his mood lifting as Bucky recounted small details. It didn’t seem like much but it still meant a lot to him, Bucky was still there. “We meet when we were kids, we were best friends. Before the war.”

“The war,” Bucky echoed. “What war?”

“World War Two.”

“The first war,” Bucky was so quiet Steve could hardly hear him. “The one before I-” he cut himself off and looked at Steve for confirmation. Steve nodded. “We used to put the pillows on the floor. We would sleep beside each other.”

Steve nodded with a distant smile, the memory flooding back. They had done that, back when they were children, it had been some of the best nights of Steve’s life. “Yeah we did, Buck, a few times.”

“Then we went to war.”

“Yeah.”

He looked down like he was trying to remember something but couldn’t get it right. “You were smaller then. You looked different.”

“It was before I got the serum.”

Bucky looked lost in thought for a few moments before snapping out of it and looking back to Steve, who had been staring at his friend with a tenderness he hadn’t felt since before the war. 

“Can I help you with your chest?” Steve asked again. “I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“Okay,” Bucky said. 

It was said in a way that made Steve question whether his friend was answering his questions or repeating the word Steve had said in disbelief. He hopped it was the former and stepped back. “Follow me, Buck, I’ve got a first aid kit in my kitchen.”

The two of them walked out of the bedroom, Steve leading and Bucky following silently clutching at his bag. He was so silent that Steve had to check that he was even behind him. Steve motioned for Bucky to sit on one of the bar stools, which he did and waited for the next instruction. The first aid kit was put on the kitchen bench and Steve shuffled nervously. “Buck, could you take your shirt off?” The last thing he wanted to do was make his friends nervous, and the fact that he didn’t show if he was uncomfortable wasn’t making it easier. Still, Bucky took his shirt off, wincing when he moved. 

“Do you know who did it?” Steve asked as he looked it over. It wasn’t that bad it was very long, nearly shoulder to shoulder, but it wasn’t too deep. It wouldn’t even need stitches. Steve could work with this. 

“I got into a fight,” Bucky replied. 

“This may hurt, I’m sorry,” Steve said wiping at the cut. Bucky made no indication that it was hurting him, but then again, he never did. Steve thought back to the two fights they had been in, he hardly even made a noise when he was hurt. “Who did you fight with?” Steve asked bringing himself back to the present.

“A Hydra agent. Identification unknown.”

“Why did you fight him?” Steve asked.

Bucky looked hesitant to answer but did anyway. “I wanted to get away.”

“From?”

“I was trying to get to my house. They wanted to take me to Hydra. I fought them off.”

 

“And one of them got a hit in?” Steve guessed. Bucky nodded. “Where’s your house?”

He shook his head. “I can’t go back there now. I’ll need to find somewhere else to stay.”

“But you had somewhere, was it safe?”

“I think so. It was in Brooklyn, that is where we used to live?” 

Steve nodded, finishing wiping the cut and getting out the bandages. “We used to live there, we did until we went away. Do you remember our apartment?” Steve asked. He measured how long the bandage needed to be and started cutting. “Where we used to live?”

“It was small,” Bucky replied. “Smaller than this apartment.”

“I get paid a lot more now,” Steve said. 

Bucky got the look where he seemed lost in thought again. Steve continued bandaging up the cut, trying his best not to disturb him. Bucky never looked like he wasn’t aware of what was happening when Steve moved closer he tensed but wouldn’t move away. Steve considered himself lucky that he was trusting him. He finished closing the cut and started packing up the kit, Bucky’s eyes on his back. 

“What are you going to do now?” Steve asked when it was all packed up. “You’re welcome to stay here.”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you stay here for the night? You can have a shower and a warm meal and decide what to do in the morning.” 

Steve watched as Bucky considered his options. His eyes flickered around the apartment, stalling on the doors and windows. Then he looked at Steve, thinking hard. He looked more confused than anything else - confused and a little scared. He gripped the handle of his backpack tighter and nodded, “if I’m allowed.”

“Of course you are, you’re welcome here anytime.”

He nodded, his eyes distant again. Steve wiped down the bench and turned the kettle on, hoping a hot drink would make him at least a little bit more comfortable. Hot chocolate had been such a luxury when they were kids but it was their favourite, they always tried to get some even when they had no money. Now, it was everywhere. Steve always kept some on hand for days he wanted to be reminded of who he was. “Buck? Do you want some hot chocolate?” He asked, “I found this company that has the exact same recipe from the ‘30s. I bought a whole lot of it, probably too much, but it’s really good.”

“Hot chocolate,” Bucky muttered. It reminded him of something, but he couldn’t figure out what it was. He knew what chocolate was, but that wasn’t hot. Nor did it require mugs, which is what Steve pulled out of a cupboard. 

“Yeah, remember, it’s the hot drink we used to get? It tastes like chocolate but it’s a drink.”

“I remember. We went to a cafe on the train.”

Steve hummed, “it was the middle of winter and you were worried I would get sick but we both really wanted the hot chocolate from Pam’s Cafe. You ended up putting your own coat on me on the way home, said I was shivering more than normal. The train got stuck because of ice and we both were out way past our curfew.”

The memory shocked Bucky, he was able to remember it almost perfectly. He never remembered things well, it was always bits and pieces that he struggled to put together. But this was a complete picture, he could even remember Steve’s Ma yelling at them for taking so long but then pulling them into a hug and muttering a prayer of thanks. He found himself smiling, remembering the laughter that came with the day. Plus, he remembered what hot chocolate was. 

Asking for it was a different story. When was the last time he had asked for something? He couldn’t remember a time where he got what he wanted - or what he needed - when he was the asset. If he asked for something all he got was a beating. But, Steve wasn’t a handler, or at least he didn’t act like one. He seemed to care about Bucky, a foreign idea to the man, but a welcomed one. He had offered Bucky a safe and warm place to stay, and food and a shower, which isn’t what you do if you don’t like a person so Bucky assumed it was safe to ask. “I’d like some.”

“Some hot chocolate?” Steve confirmed and smiled at Bucky’s singular nod. “Sure. I’m not as good as Pam, but I’m not bad at making it.”

Bucky stayed silent as Steve made the drink. He was still reeling slightly from the acceptance of the man. He had arrived assuming that they would fight because the last time Steve had been with him they did. But Steve just wanted to fix Bucky’s cut (which made absolutely no sense to Bucky, the cut would heal on its own and it was a waste of resources to patch it up) and make him a warm drink. But he knew Steve and him were once friends, so he had gone to his old friend's house. Even if he didn’t know what a friend was, he knew what it wasn’t, it wasn’t an enemy. 

He hadn’t expected the warm welcome but he was okay to get it, even if it made him confused and slightly unsure. A few semi-negative feelings were better than bleeding out in the cold. 

Steve pushed over a mug, it was white and had his shield plastered on the side of it. “It was a gift from a friend of mine, Nat, she thought it was funny,” Steve explained when he caught Bucky staring at it. 

Hesitantly, Bucky picked up the mug and brought it to his lips. He definitely remembered hot chocolate now. He couldn’t place any specific memory but he knew he had tasted this. He also knew it was before he was the asset since the majority of his meals there were bland, this wasn’t bland. He all but fell in love right then which freaked him out even more. He wasn’t supposed to like things, he wasn’t allowed to like things. He wasn’t supposed to have nice drinks, he was supposed to have a meal a day if he was lucky that didn’t taste like anything but had all the nutrition he needed. This wasn’t allowed and he was going to be punished for it, Steve was going to lash out at him for accepting to drink or his handlers would punish him when they next saw him.

“Buck?” Steve asked softly, picking up on his internal conflict. “You okay?”

He put the mug down.

“Bucky? You’re allowed to drink it.”

Bucky wanted to scream that he wasn’t, that it wasn’t his right to have nice things like got chocolates or showers or a warm meal. But he didn’t, because yelling at a handler was a punishable offense - more so than enjoying a hot chocolate. So he stared down at his lap again and squeezed his bag handle tighter in his hand. 

“You are,” Steve said. “I know you don’t think you are, and I know it will take a while to get you to understand that, and that’s okay. But for now, you can enjoy your drink.”

No, Bucky thought picking the cup up, no he really couldn’t.


	2. Chapter 2

Steve turned the shower on, set it to warm and turned around. He almost jumped out of his skin when he saw Bucky standing behind him. Even with his above-average hearing, Bucky was silent when he wanted to be. Bucky’s eyes flickered between the running water and Steve, he looked confused, like he didn’t know how to react. Steve guessed that was going to be common his house now. 

“There are towels there,” he gestured to his side where the towel rack sat, “help yourself to anything in the shower. I’ll get you a toothbrush and some more clothes later but you can use one of my tops for now, is that okay?”

Bucky nodded once, his eyes lingering on Steve before flickering back to the shower. Steve stepped to the side and past Bucky, out into the hallway. “Great, call me if you need me.”

Once undressed Bucky stood under the spray of water. Vaguely he knew what a shower was, but he didn’t think he had one in any place he lived in before. He could remember one distant memory of a hotel that he was staying in undercover that had one of these that he didn’t use. That must have been in Belfast in the early seventies. Aside from that, he had never seen one, but he knew what it was. He also knew what shampoo was, and body wash, so he used those. They weren’t his - nothing was but that was beside the point - so he only used a little bit. 

The towel was wrapped around his waist - he had seen handlers like this before - and he walked out of the room. Along the hallway of Steve’s apartment were pictures, both drawn and taken. Some of them were him with his new friends, Bucky knew them from the news, some were official looking pictures of him shaking hands with men in suits. Then there was a group that made Bucky stop in his tracks. It was him. He knew that it was him, surrounded by other people that he thought he knew. It was a black and white photo and they were carrying guns so Bucky guessed it was during the war. Then there was a strip like you’d take in a photo booth, it was him again with Steve, but Steve wasn't Steve. He was smaller. So, it was before the war, Bucky had his arm around Steve’s shoulder and they were grinning in the first two pictures.

Then he was kissing Steve. 

Kissing Steve wasn’t part of his memories. Had they been together? Like, in an actual relationship? Bucky knew they lived together at some point, it was why he had broken in when he was hurt. But he didn’t know they had been together. It made sense, he could remember - not really remember but he could feel it - that they had been close, closer than normal and closer than other people. So maybe they had been in a relationship, maybe they had been in love. Had he loved Steve? God, he couldn’t remember loving anyone. 

In the pictures, they looked so happy, even the ones of them at war. There was one of them in a silver frame, both were smiling with Bucky looking at the ground and Steve to the side. 

They looked so happy. 

“We were shooting a video,” Steve said. Bucky jumped at the sound, his hand going to his waist where his gun should be. Steve held his hands up and frowned slightly. “You’re okay, so for scarring you. Are you okay?” Bucky nodded at the question and relaxed his hand. Steve pointed at the picture Bucky was looking at. “We were shooting a video and they asked us to pretend we were friends, and you said-”

“We are friends,” Bucky interrupted. He could remember it. The feeling of remembering it was foreign but welcomed. He’d never been able to remember something as clearly as this before. Usually, it was small snippets of memories that made no sense. But this, this one he knew what was happening, he could hear the directors voice in his head and Steve shaking his head at Bucky’s reply. Because they were friends. More than friends if the other picture said anything. 

Steve grinned at Bucky and nodded. “Exactly! Do you remember anything else?” 

Bucky hesitated, remembering things had been beaten out of him but the way Steve reacted when he interrupted him was only positive. He guessed that keeping Steve happy with him would be best right now, he really didn’t want to be kicked out in a towel. “The director didn’t like me. He said I was distracting.”

“He did. He wanted to bring in an actor but I told him my best friend was right there.”

“We were best friends,” Bucky muttered. He pointed to the strip of photos, watching Steve blush slightly. “I don’t remember this.” 

“It was before the war. We went to a fair on Coney Island and there was a photo booth, you used your food money to get us this.”

“You have it. How?” Bucky asked, ignoring the fact that Steve was skipping over the kiss. 

“What do you mean?”

“You kept it?”

Nodding, Steve blushed even harder. “It was the only photo we had of us like - like that, aside from a few drawings I did. I wanted to keep it, so I stashed it in a diary that was returned to me when I came back.”

Looking back at the picture Bucky tried to remember the day Steve was talking about. But he was coming up empty. He had no idea when it was taken, or what happened before or after the photo booth. He couldn’t remember kissing Steve, or going to a fair or anything.

“Hey, don’t push yourself. It’s okay not to remember.”

Bucky flinched slightly. He didn’t remember this but he could remember people yelling at him for remembering - punishing him for reacting to specific words or asking questions about who he was. That was his life for seventy years and he knew Steve wasn’t like that. He knew that, but that sounded just like something his handlers would say, only nicer. 

But Steve wasn’t a handler and Bucky could trust him. He trusted him before he had been taken by Hydra. He had trusted him when he saved him from the river. He had trusted him enough to come to his house. So he had to trust that he wanted to help Bucky and that he truly didn’t mind what memory came to his mind so long as he wasn’t hurting. 

After a moment of silence, Steve held up the clothes in his hand. “I washed your pants and found a top you can wear.”

The clothes were pushed into his hand and he walked back into the bathroom. His own reflection stared back at him, his hair was wet and stringy, clinging to his face and neck and little drops of water ran down his neck and chest. But, he looked cleaner than normal. He hadn’t been this clean in heaven knows how long. It felt good. He stripped off the towel and got into the clothes, his knives had been taken from the pants and he wanted them back, being without a weapon was unnatural and uncomfortable. 

Once the clothes were on and his hair was slightly drier he walked back out of the bathroom, he walked down the hallway slower than normal, looking at the photos. Steve had lived an interesting life from what he could see. It was like the hallway served as a timeline of his life, starting with drawings of them before the war and ending with a recent photo of him and Sam in full uniform. Bucky couldn’t help wonder how Steve ended up with a friend who had wings but he knew he had tried to kill him - so that wasn’t good.

Steve was sitting on the sofa in the living room, a sketchbook in his hand and soft music playing from the stereo. Bucky recognized the music but couldn’t place his finger on it. 

“How was your shower?” Steve asked without looking up.

“I’m clean,” Bucky replied. Replying with emotion wasn’t easy for him, he had never been allowed to. It was all about the logistics, no one cared if he was hurt they cared if he could continue carrying out the mission. So he didn’t say if the shower was good or bad and he’d never say if it was too hot or too cold, but he could say that it had worked. That was a response he felt comfortable giving. 

“That’s good,” Steve said, looking up at him. “You can sit down.”

Bucky did as he was told, sitting in the armchair opposite Steve. Following orders was something he could do, something he was good at. 

“Your knives are in the dishwasher, you can have them back if you want.”

"Permission to ask a question?" Bucky asked. It was less likely he would get in trouble if he asked for permission beforehand. Steve looked confused but nodded anyway. “A dishwasher?” Bucky asked quietly. He was expecting a beating, he would have gotten one if Steve was a handler but Steve wasn’t a handler so - very hesitant - Bucky asked the question. 

“It’s a machine that cleans dishes,” Steve replied. Bucky nodded, that sounded like something the 21st century would have. Plus, Steve didn’t seem to mind the question.

Steve held up his sketchbook so Bucky could see it, “do you like it?” The picture was of them in front of a large wooden structure, both boys were smiling widely and had their arms around each other. Bucky nodded his head, he did like it. “It’s the Cyclone, a rollercoaster we went on.”

“You threw up,” Bucky said. He didn’t remember anything other than the fact that Steve threw up after the ride of the cyclone. “Didn’t you?”

“I did,” Steve said with a light chuckle. 

Bucky looked down at his hands. One metal and one flesh. He didn’t know what happened to his metal arm, he didn’t know why he had a metal arm at all. Was it something Hydra just gave him? Or did he need it? Maybe Steve would know if Bucky asked. He looked up, Steve had gone back to drawing, a new picture seeing as the old one sat beside him. “Permission to ask a question?” He asked softly.

“Of course,” Steve said looking up instantly. “You can ask anything, anytime.”

“I have a metal arm. Why?”

“You fell off a train and I think you lost it then.”

“You think?”

Steve frowned a little and Bucky was about to take back what he said and beg for forgiveness but Steve stood, stopping him. “I don’t know exactly, but I got your file after DC and it says you had the arm the entire time,” he walked over to a bookcase. After a moment of going through it, he pulled out a brown file and handed it to Bucky. “This is your file, everything Nat could find on you.”

The cover was written in Russian, which wasn’t a problem. Bucky turned the first page and saw a picture of himself in Cyro with his basic information listed in different languages. He skimmed through it before reading on. How they brainwashed him, what punishments worked best (the file was wrong, the chair was the worst, not isolation), how to prepare him for cryo, how to wake up him. The worst was the back page, a list of targets. Every single name had a ‘deceased’ stamp next to it. 

He remembered all the people, those were his strongest memories. Every name brought back a memory, a different mission, a different kill. 

His eyes grew misty as he read the list over and over again. It surprised him, he hadn’t cried since - since - he didn’t know. But it was before he became the asset. He knew that much. It wasn’t like crying was something he was allowed to do, the winter soldier (as he later found out he was called) was not supposed to be a man. He was supposed to be a weapon. And weapons don’t cry. 

“Buck?”

“Yes?” Bucky replied looking up from the list. Steve was looking at him with concern in his eyes and his hands were fidgeting by his side. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yes.”

Steve continued to look at him with concern, not believing him at all. He clearly wasn’t okay, but he was a weapon and weapons don’t feel. That was something that had been beaten into him very quickly. Bucky blinked back the tears and closed the file, tucking it beside his side. 

“Would you like some dinner?” Steve asked after a beat of silence. “I don’t have anything in the house so I thought we could order some pizza.”

Bucky looked at his hands again. He didn’t know what pizza was but he had the impression that he had eaten it before. He nodded without looking up, and could then hear Steve moving about. When Steve left the room Bucky stood and walked over to the window. He hadn’t lived here before the war, he knew that they used to live in New York and this was DC, but still the city looked so different than what he remembered. Everything was taller now.

“I got us meat lovers, that was always your favourite,” Steve said walking back in. He stepped up beside Bucky, not close enough to touch but Bucky could feel Steve’s body heat radiating off him. It was nice. “We couldn’t get it often, we hardly ever had enough money, but it was your favorite.” 

“Permission to ask a question?” 

Steve nodded, “always.”

“What is pizza?”

Closing his eyes and turning his head slightly away from Bucky he held in a sigh. He just wanted Bucky to be happy, to feel safe and loved and to be free of all the pain he held in. He had known it was going to be hard, he wasn’t an idiot. It was going to be hard and Steve made a solemn promise right then to be as patient and caring as he could when it came to Bucky, because his Bucky needed it, now more than ever. 

“Pizza is a flatbread with cheese and toppings, we used to go to Sal’s Pizza down the road from our apartment.”

“Red and white,” Bucky muttered. “I remember red and white.”

“Yeah!” Steve’s happiness at Bucky knowing something, even as small as two colours, was almost contagious. Almost. “The tablecloth was red and white checkered.”

“Red and white,” Bucky muttered to himself. He remembered that the feeling was just as good as the last time he had. He couldn’t remember anything else about the place, but he remembered that. He decided that was good enough. 

“We’d go there most Fridays. Like our little tradition but we could only ever afford one slice of plain cheese. We went there so much, Sal’d give us the biggest slice since we were sharing.”

Bucky continued staring out the window, trying to visualize the place Steve spoke so fondly off. He had been to Italy before, but that wasn’t the same he guessed. After a few moments of standing in silence, Steve moved to the kitchen and started getting plates and drinks set up for them. Bucky followed soon after, watching as Steve moved around with a regular ease. 

“We don’t have to share this time,” Steve said. “I got us each a pizza.”

The doorbell rang, startling Bucky who reached for the knife that wasn’t there again. Steve smiled reassuring at him. “Stay here,” he said before going to the door. Bucky stood ridged and waited, listening to the exchange at the door. Steve thanked the man, there was a pause, a camera click and then the door closed. Steve reappeared back in the kitchen, with two pizza boxes in his hand. 

He set the boxes on the bench and gestured for Bucky to sit down at the bar stool. He did. A plate was pushed in front of him, and then a glass of water, and then the pizza boxes were opened. One was plain cheese and one had meat on it. He sat still and waited for instructions. 

“You can take whatever you want,” Steve said plating his own up. “I don’t know how much you need to eat, but I eat more than normal.”

Bucky lent over and took once slice from each box, watching Steve out of the corner of his eye. Steve didn’t say anything as he took the two slices and he didn’t yell when Bucky took his first bite. Almost instantly his mind was cast back to a small and smokey pizzeria in 1920’s Brooklyn. He and Steve were sitting there, at one of the booths, with a piece of pizza each in front of them. Jazz music was playing in the background and they were holding hands under the table. 

“A date.”

“What date?” Steve asked. 

“A date,” Bucky looked at the pizza and back to Steve. This was how they had been sitting in the pizzeria. Opposite each other. “Our date. At Sal’s.”

Steve pursed his lips and nodded, “we went on a lot of dates to Sal’s.”

“Our-” he hesitated and tried to think back, to think of why they were there. It had been a big deal, he knew that because they both had a slice of pizza and they were wearing nice clothes. “-anniversary?”

“We went to Sal’s for our - oh - sixth month anniversary of officialy being together. I was sixteen and you were seventeen.”

“I can remember it.”

This time, this time the grin on Steve’s face was contagious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it continues! Poor Bucky, he deserves so much :'(
> 
> Let me know what you think!!


	3. Chapter 3

The pizza was eaten and the boxes thrown away. Bucky had taken up residence on the armchair beside the sofa, a fuzzy blanket thrown across his lap and a pillow behind his head. Steve thought he looked amazing like that, cuddled up in soft things, heavens know he deserved something nice for once. 

They were watching Snow White, a kids film that they had seen in the cinemas when it came out. Steve had put it on to try and jog Bucky’s memory at least a little, but at the same time, it was a nice film that, he hoped, wouldn’t distress the former assassin. Every now and again Bucky would tilt his head to the side as if he remembered something but couldn’t quite get it. 

It was adorable and heart wrenching at the same time.

When the credits were rolling Bucky let out a small gasp before composing himself and putting on the blank face Steve had come to hate already. “Buck?”

“Sorry,” Bucky muttered.

“What for?”

He looked away, he didn’t know why he was sorry, he just was. It was better to be sorry and get a little mercy during the punishments. 

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Steve said. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I remembered something.”

Steve’s face lit up, “what?”

“We saw this. Together.”

“When it first came out,” Steve said. “We saved for ages to afford the tickets.”

Bucky looked down at his hands, wringing metal and flesh together. He remembered the cinema they went to, it smelt like butter, and they only ever went a handful of times because it was so expensive. Just like their pizza dates. They would go to the cinema on special occasions, he didn’t know what occasion they had used to see Snow White but he did know they shared a popcorn.

Dipping his head down he stifled a yawn. He was exhausted, everything about the day had been draining. Sleeping sounded like a blessing but he didn’t want to push his luck and ask for something like sleep. 

“Buck?” Steve asked, causing the man to look up. “Do you want to go to sleep?”

A small nod was all Steve got, but his eyes were basically begging for sleep. Steve stood, Bucky copying, and they walked out of the room. “You can have the guest room for now. If you need anything, my bedroom is across the hall. You can come to me if you need anything.”

“Okay.”

Steve pushed open the door to the guest room and watched as Bucky walked in. “I’ll get you something to wear,” Steve said. “Wait here.”

He dashed into his own room, pulling out a t-shirt and a pair of shorts from his drawer. He stopped and stared at the bed with a frown. He had completely forgotten about the blood on his bed. There was a dried puddle where he had been sitting and droplets leading to the bed from the door. He had been so preoccupied with Bucky that he hadn’t done anything about it.

Cursing himself out he left the room and went back into Bucky’s. Bucky was standing in the exact same spot as before and looked at Steve when he came in. He handed Bucky the clothes, “here you go.”

Bucky took the clothes and held them by his side, he wanted to ask something. He knew he needed to know the answer to it, but he didn’t want to ask so he was hoping Steve would just tell him. Breathing in for courage, he asked what was on his mind. “When do I need to wake up?”

“Whenever you want.”

“Please repeat?” Bucky asked, not quite sure he had heard Steve right.

“You can wake up whenever you want. I usually wake up around six, but you can wake up when you want to.”

He nodded, still not quite getting it. Having a choice wasn’t something he was used to, and now he had so many options and it was his decision on what happened. Steve smiled at him, “if you need anything you can come and wake me,” he said before leaving the bedroom. 

After a moment of confusion at everything, Bucky got changed. The clothes were softer than his normal ones, he liked that, and the bed was much more comfortable than his usual beds. He was able to fall asleep quickly, and for once, nightmares didn’t plague him.

~~

Steve didn’t want to leave for work. He truly didn’t. 

Bucky was sitting on the sofa with one of Steve’s sketchbooks from before the war in his lap, flicking through the pages oh-so-slowly. He looked perfect in Steve’s eyes and he was completely content to stay and watch him all day. Then Stark had called him. Same old drill, mad scientist in a foreign country with an army of robots. 

“Can’t you do it yourself?” Steve asked, “do you really need me?”

“Why can’t you come?” Tony asked. 

He sounded suspicious and Steve cursed silently. He couldn’t tell the team about Bucky yet, especially not Stark. He needed time to figure out how to break the news to them. “Do you need me?” He asked again, ignoring the question. 

“Clint’s out, he was shot on another mission, and Nat still has the messed up ankle so she’s limited.”

“Okay, I’ll be at the tower in-”

“Don’t worry, we’ll pick you up. Be on the roof in thirty minutes.”

 

The phone clicked off and Steve walked back into the living room. Bucky looked up, he looked relaxed but Steve could tell that he was still tense. Steve had no idea how to tell Bucky that he was leaving only a day after he had arrived. 

Sitting back down opposite Bucky he squared his shoulders and cleared his throat. “I’ve got to go,” he said, wincing at the alarmed look in Bucky’s eyes. God, he felt like a prick. “Don’t worry,” he tried to sooth. “You’re welcome to stay here while I’m gone. I’ve got food coming in a few hours and you’re welcome to use anything in the house. I’m really sorry, Buck, but they need me.”

Bucky looked back at the notebook but his eyes were blank. Steve wanted to reach over and hold him, but he didn’t think he would be welcome too. After a moment Bucky looked back up, his face was neutral but there was a storm of emotion in his eyes. “Will you-” he stopped and Steve nodded at him to continue “- will you come back?”

“Yeah,” Steve said instantly. And maybe a little too enthusiastically if Bucky’s flinch was anything to go by. “Yes,” he started again. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

He nodded and went back to the sketchbook. Steve continued to stare at him for another moment before leaving to go to his room. He packed up as quickly as he could, throwing things into a duffle without thinking it through all that much. His mind was on the man in the other room, the man who was currently trying to remember who he was through drawings Steve had done.

Once he had finished he went back to the living room, Bucky hadn’t moved, Steve set the duffle down and spoke up. “So the food will be here soon, I’ll text her to leave it beside the door and knock so you can get it without worrying. It’s my standard order, and I’ve asked for it to come again next week so you’ll have enough,” Bucky nodded again. Steve went over to a bookcase and pulled a box off the top. “In here are all my sketchbooks from before the war, you can go through any of them,” he put the box on the coffee table and reached into his pocket. “This is my phone if you need me you can call Sam,” he knelt beside Bucky, not close enough to touch but close enough so he could see what he was doing. “It’s really easy,” he showed Bucky how to open the phone and dial Sam’s number. 

“You can call me whenever you want, for whatever reason. Okay? And if I don’t answer you, I’ll call you back as soon as I can. Got it?”

“Yes,” Bucky took the phone. “Thank you.”

“Anytime,” Steve said. “Any questions?”

Bucky opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again. “Why are you leaving?”

“I work with the Avengers, we go and fight people that need to be stopped. There’s an army of robots in Fiji that need to be stopped.”

“Robots?”

“Yeah, the world’s really strange now,” Steve’s phone beeped and a message saying ‘ten minutes, Cap’ flashed across the screen. “I’m being picked up, I’ll try and get back as soon as I can. Is there anything you want to do when I get back?”

A blank look crossed Bucky’s face as he thought over the question. He couldn’t remember being asked what he wanted to do, he doubted he had been asked that in a long time. So, in all honesty, he had no idea how to respond. He knew Steve wanted him to be comfortable around him, but he didn't know how to do that either. Maybe Steve wanted him to answer with something a person would say - but Bucky didn’t consider himself a person so he couldn’t do that. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Steve said interrupting his thoughts. “I’ve got to go, promise me you’ll call me if you need something?”

Promise. Bucky had a vague recollection of what that meant, he knew it was important, like a deal or an agreement. But it was a big deal. Steve was looking at him expectantly, so he nodded and the smile on Steve’s face made him think he had done the right thing.

~~

A minor scratch was the worst injury anyone on the team had. The robots were easy to defeat, the scientist even easier. It had only been three days and they were ready to go home which Steve was extremely grateful for. But then another disaster and they were in South Korea for another week and then they had to stop in Latvia for a week and a three-day mission had become a three-week mission. At least no one had gotten hurt in the three weeks.

Bucky hadn’t called in the time they had been gone, Steve was hoping that just meant he was okay and didn’t need help but a part of him (the larger part if he was being honest) was terrified. 

He knew the others on the team thought something was up. They kept sending him sideways looks when they thought he wasn’t looking. His mind was elsewhere, however, fretting over the man in his apartment. “Okay,” Tony spoke up. “What’s up, Cap. You’ve been staring at Sam’s phone for like an hour.”

“Nothing,” Steve said. 

Sam scoffed, “you asked me if your phone had rung mine like once every ten minutes.”

“I’m waiting for a call.”

“From your phone?” Tony asked. 

“I lost my phone and have Sam listed as my emergency contact,” Steve lied. “I want my phone back so I’m wai-” as he was talking Sam’s phone lit up with a picture of an eagle in front of a flag - Steve. He basically ripped the phone from Sam, pressing answer and stalking away from his slightly concerned teammates.

Steve went tense when he heard Bucky just repeatedly apologizing on the other end of the line. Something had gone wrong. “Hey,” Steve said cutting through Bucky’s ‘sorrys’. “What’s happening?”

“I didn’t want to disturb.”

“I told you that you could, is something wrong?”

“The food never arrived. I was hungry. I’m sorry.”

Holding back a sigh Steve spoke as calmly as he could. “Not your fault that-” he paused, realizing that Bucky wasn’t apologizing for the food not arriving, but because he was hungry and had called Steve. “Don’t apologize, you’re allowed to be hungry just like you’re allowed to be tired. I’m only a few hours out so I’ll bring us food, don’t worry. Why didn’t you call earlier?” 

There was silence on the other end of the line and Steve felt like hitting himself. Of course, he wouldn’t call, he didn’t think he was allowed to no matter what Steve said.

“Sorry,” Bucky said softly.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m also sorry that I’ve been gone for so long. Have there been any other problems?”

“Spilt water. Living room. On the 3rd at approximately six-thirty pm.”

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, the specific answer wasn’t normal. But then, what was right now? He also couldn’t help but note the clipped answer he got, never more than a few words at a time. “Aside from that?”

“No.”

“Good. Do you want anything?” Again there was silence and Steve could tell that Bucky wanted to ask something. “You can ask me anything, you won’t get punished. Promise.”

Bucky nodded on his end, a promise was something you had to keep (he had looked it up) and it seemed like Steve took promises seriously. If Steve promised something he could trust him. “Shampoo and a toothbrush?” 

Again Steve wanted to hit himself. The first order of groceries had all the necessities Bucky needed and he had just gone three weeks without them. “Of course, I’m going to order it all so I’ll be home as soon as I can. Will you be okay?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll see you soon,” Steve said. Bucky said ‘bye’ and Steve considered that a win. He usually didn’t use greetings so a simple bye made him happier than he had been in weeks. 

He went back over to the others and sat down, “can I borrow this?” He asked Sam. 

“You are.”

“To go grocery shopping.” 

“Sure,” Sam said, staring at Steve with narrow eyes. 

Steve thanked him and logged onto his account online. He had to admit that technology was awesome, within a few minutes he had filled his basket with things he hoped Bucky would like. He lent his back against the headrest and let his mind think of nothing but Bucky until they landed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And what better way to create a relationship than to split them up?
> 
> Poor Bucky, all alone for three weeks. His side will be next!
> 
> Let me know what you thought of this :)


	4. Chapter 4

Steve closed the door and Bucky was, once again, alone. He didn’t like being alone all that much, isolation usually lasted for two or three weeks, so he could last three days. He had no choice. At least this time he would have the freedom to do whatever he wanted, Steve had said he could. It was probably a test, Bucky knew that, he was probably testing to see how good Bucky could be. Bucky was determined to prove that he could be good, he had to show Steve that he knew how to be good. 

He didn’t move until he realized just how dark it had gotten. He had been sitting on the armchair for hours, going through the sketchbook as slowly as he could. The sun had long set so Bucky decided to try and put on some lights. Even a task as small as flicking on the lights was daunting because he chose to do it. As he went around the house searching for the switches he was fully expecting someone to jump out and punish him for choosing. 

Weapons don’t have a choice.

But no one did. The lights were on in the hallway, the living room, and his bedroom. As the light flooded the house he couldn’t help feeling a little proud of what he achieved. He had chosen which light went on and how high the dimmer went. He had done that. 

Steve had said that he was allowed to get food for himself and that more food would be coming. Bucky felt a cold dread settle over him. He had forgotten about the delivery of food, it had been sitting out there all day and he had forgotten to bring it. He ran to the door as quickly and quietly as he could. Pulling to door open he was greeted with nothing. 

His eyes went wide as he stared at the empty floor in front of him. There was nothing there and it was his fault. It had only been a day and he was messing up. Steve would get rid of him when he came home if he found out. 

Lying wasn’t something Bucky did to his handlers. When he was undercover, sure, he lied but not to anyone in charge of him. But, was it lying if he never told Steve what happened? But how could he do that? Steve would be back and he would know that Bucky had messed up and that he wasn’t worthy of Steve’s help. Bucky slammed the door closed and flicked the light switch back off.

Weapons don’t have choices.

He pressed his back against the door and slid down so he was sitting with his arms wrapped around his knees. He sat there, as still as a statue, for hours. Internally he was panicking like never before. He liked living with Steve, Steve didn’t get upset when Bucky didn’t know something and he didn’t get angry when he remembered something else. Steve was kind and gave him warm blankets and nice clothes. Bucky was allowed to look at old photos and ask questions without fear of punishment, although he was still scared. He didn’t want to lose this but he knew he was about to. 

As the sun came up Bucky fell asleep against the door, exhaustion overcoming him. 

_ Bucky knew he was dreaming, he could tell because his dreams were always black and white. He didn’t know why but they were. Nightmares plagued him most nights, memories of hurting people to get what he needed. To kill who needed killing. That night was no different, he was standing on the helicarrier facing Steve. Bucky wanted to scream for the dream to stop, for anything other than this memory.   _

_ Steve looked sad in the dream, just like in real life, and Bucky wanted to cry. He had made Steve sad and Steve didn’t deserve to be sad. “I’m not going to fight you.” _

_ The dream cut to Steve lying on the floor of the helicarrier with Bucky sitting on top of it punching his face. Steve coughed and said, “I’m with you to the end of the line.” _

_ ‘You know that line!’ Bucky wanted to scream at himself. But he couldn’t and he was forced to watch as he didn’t listen to Steve and continue punching him until he was no longer breathing. Bucky felt panic grip at his heart, he had killed Steve, he couldn’t move as he watched his body fall out of the helicarrier and into the water below.  _

_ Again, the dream changed. Bucky was sitting in the chair, a man he recognized but didn’t know sitting in front of him. He guessed the man was a handler that he had forgotten. “Well done, soldier.” _

_ He was being praised but he didn’t feel anything other than shock. He shouldn’t have killed Steve. The man slapped him across the cheek when Bucky didn’t respond but he couldn’t feel the sting. He looked up with teary eyes, “I knew him.” _

_ “You saw him earlier on the mission,” the man nodded. “The world owes you a great debt, you’re a hero.” _

_ Hero. Bucky didn’t feel like a hero. _

_ “There’s much more work to do,” the man said standing. “Wipe him.” _

_ Bucky gritted his teeth as they prepared the chair. He wanted to lash out, to push the people off him and run but he didn’t because he couldn't. Even if he did manage to escape, there was nowhere for him to go. So he balled his hands into fists and opened his mouth for the guard. Sitting still, aside from his laboured breathing, and let them wipe him. _

_ At least he wouldn’t have to remember the man he had killed. The man he had loved. _

When Bucky woke up the sun was streaming in through the windows, Bucky guessed it was mid-morning, his back was sore and his neck felt strange but other than that he was fine. The nightmare had sucked, they always did, but he had gotten used to them over time, so he could deal with it now. He stood from the floor and stretched. Silence echoed around the apartment as he walked around. He didn’t really know what he was doing but it felt good to do it.

After he walked around the apartment a few more times he went to the box of sketchbooks on the table. He pulled out the next one, there was about twenty in there, and sat where he had sat the day before. The first page had Steve’s contact details on it, his name and addresses. Bucky ran his finger over the addresses and tried to jog a memory, nothing happened.  The first picture was of him in a soldier uniform. It was from the first war, he looked confident and secure in himself. Bucky stared down at his own face, he couldn’t remember feeling that good. 

_ Bucky got his orders last night, we went to a science fair and I meet Dr. Abraham Erskine who enlisted me into a special program. _

His fingers ghosted over the caption. He narrowed his eyes, he recognized the name. He didn’t recognize the person but he could almost hear Steve saying the words to him. The name brought him back to an uncomfortable bed, Steve by his side with a bitter wind howling through the tent.

_“His name was_ _Dr. Abraham Erskine.”_

_ “So you just let some quack scientist experiment on you?” _

_ “It was the right call, wasn’t it?” _

_ “You can be such a punk.” _

Bucky grabbed his pack back as quickly as he could, pulling out one of his journals he scribbled the memory down beside the others. He had the memory of the pizza shop, the movies, their old apartment, random conversations he could remember. There wasn’t a lot, and most of the memories didn’t make much sense. But they were his and Steve had said it was good that he had them. 

That started the routine Bucky followed for the rest of the time he was alone. He would flick through Steve’s sketchbooks as slowly as he could, scribbling down memories as they came to him. After a few hours of that, he would start getting restless and would work out in the apartment. His new workout wasn’t like the one given to him when he was the asset, it was a lot less. Only a handful of the exercise and the reps. It was nice to exercise of his own accord, to choose when he did, what he did and where he did it. After he would exercise he would continue looking at the sketchbooks, a few times he played an old movie on the TV.

A few times he used the phone’s internet app (he didn’t know how he knew how to use it, he just did) to look things up that he didn’t know. 

As much as he was enjoying his freedom, it was terrifying. After a week the hunger was something noticeable. The apartment was really empty of food, Steve said he gave his food to his neighbours when he left so it didn’t go to waste. This wouldn’t have been a problem if more food had arrived but it hadn’t, so Bucky was hungry. His exercising became less and less as time went on. He couldn’t even fathom the idea of doing a sit up by the end of the second week. 

He was so confused as well. Steve had said he would be back in a few days, but it had been nearly three weeks and he wasn’t back yet. At first, Bucky assumed that Steve didn’t want Bucky in his apartment anymore so he wasn’t coming back until Bucky had left or died. But then he had managed to calm himself down so that he wasn’t panicking. 

Steve liked him and Steve would come back.

Finally, after three weeks, Bucky picked up the phone. His hands were shaking as he copied what Steve had shown him. He held his finger over the ‘dial’ button for a solid minute before pressing it. Yes, Steve had said he could call him, but he probably didn’t want to be disturbed on his missions.  Holding the phone to his ear he started panicking again. He didn’t want to get into trouble and he didn’t want Steve to not like him anymore because he had been selfish. The phone clicked and Bucky just started apologizing, he had no idea how many times he said the word ‘sorry’ but he knew he needed to say it more. 

“Hey,” Steve said causing Bucky to stop talking. “What’s happening?”

Bucky didn’t want to get into trouble. He didn’t want to get punished. “I didn’t want to disturb,” he said softly. Hoping it would sooth Steve’s anger.

“I told you that you could, is something wrong?” Steve didn’t sound angry but Bucky didn’t relax.

Holding in tears Bucky took a moment to gather the courage to tell Steve what had happened. “The food never arrived. I was hungry,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault that - don’t apologize, you’re allowed to be hungry just like you’re allowed to be tired. I’m only a few hours out so I’ll bring us food, don’t worry. Why didn’t you call earlier?” 

He stayed silent, he didn’t want to annoy Steve. He didn’t want Steve to think he was weak or that he couldn’t be alone. He didn’t want to get in trouble. “Sorry,” Bucky said softly after a while.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. I’m also sorry that I’ve been gone for so long. Have there been any other problems?”

After a moment of thinking, Bucky replied, “spilled water. Living room. On the 3rd at approximately six-thirty pm.”

Steve was silent for a moment before asking, “aside from that?”

“No.”

“Good. Do you want anything?” Bucky stayed quiet at Steve’s question. Yes, there were things he wanted, and he wasn’t about to ask for them. “You can ask me anything, you won’t get punished. Promise.”

Bucky nodded on his end, a promise was something you had to keep, he had looked it up on the phone shortly after Steve left. It seemed like Steve took promises seriously. If Steve promised something he could trust him. “Shampoo and a toothbrush?” 

“Of course, I’m going to order it all so I’ll be home as soon as I can. Will you be okay?”

“Yes.”

“I’ll see you soon,” Steve said. 

“Bye,” Bucky replied quietly. Steve clicked the phone off and Bucky sat down where he was in the living room. His hands were still shaking and he couldn’t feel his legs. Calling Steve had taken a lot out of him, added to the fact he was starving. Leaning against the sofa, Bucky fell asleep. For the first time in a long time, Bucky dreamt of happy memories, him and Steve going to a fair and riding on a rollercoaster. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I love Bucky so much yet I put him so through much pain.
> 
> Let me know what you think!!


	5. Chapter 5

Steve all but ran into his apartment building. He had gotten the jet to drop him off with a car waiting and he had gone to get the food. The idea that Bucky had spent the last three weeks starving made him feel terrible, he felt so bad that he hadn’t been there for him. He had told Tony to only call him if it was the ends time. He wasn’t going to be leaving Bucky for a while if he had any say.

“Buck?” Steve called when he walked in. “I’m back.”

The bags nearly dropped from Steve’s hands when he walked in. Bucky was standing just in front of the door, looking at Steve. He looked pale, to pale to be healthy, his arms were crossed across his chest and he was slightly hunched over. His eyes were dull, not the normal kind of empty, but the kind of empty that meant he was sick. 

“God, Buck, I’m so sorry,” he placed the food on the bench. “I’ll make you some food right now.”

Bucky didn’t move as Steve got out the ingredients for some sandwiches. Simple and easy, he could make it in a few minutes. “Are you okay?” Steve asked, it seemed like a dumb question to ask considering the circumstances but he still asked. Bucky nodded his head once, his eyes following every movement Steve made. Steve sighed to himself but smiled at his friend. “What have you been doing while I was gone?”

“I looked at your sketchbooks,” Bucky replied. Steve nearly winced at his voice, he sounded so weak, so scared. 

“That’s good, did you remember anything?”

“Yes. I wrote it down.”

“Great,” he pushed over a plate with a sandwich and a pre-made fruit salad along with a glass of milk. “Sit down, Buck, you can eat now. Go slow so you don’t get sick,” Bucky followed Steve perfectly, sat down at the bench and pulled the plate over to him. “What else did you do?”

He picked up the sandwich and took a small bite. It was just a basic jam sandwich but he still looked excited to eat it. Steve could basically fell his heart crack at the enjoyment that came from one sandwich. “I watched the movie. Uh, Snow White.”

“Oh? I’m glad you remembered how to put it on, it took me ages to figure technology out.”

“Can I ask a question?”

“Anytime.”

“You took longer than stated.”

It wasn’t a question, it was a statement. But Steve considered it a good thing, at least he felt comfortable to ask him things after the break. “Two more emergencies came up. We had to go to Latvia and South Korea before we could come home. I told my team not to call me again unless they really needed me, so I can stay here with you.”

“You didn’t need to,” Bucky said. He didn’t want to seem weak, he didn’t want Steve to think he needed help (even if he did) and he wanted to seem just as strong as Hydra had wanted him to be. He hesitated before continuing softly, “I can look after myself.”

“I know you can,” Steve smiled. “But you don’t have to anymore. I’m here for you as long as you want me.”

Bucky couldn’t see why he wouldn’t want Steve, Steve was the perfect handler. He cared that Bucky was going hungry and he wanted him to be safe and have soft feeling things. He was much more worried that Steve wouldn’t want him. He was sure that Steve would kick him out when he saw how messed up Bucky was in the head, and Bucky didn’t know how he would handle that day. But, for the meantime he was allowed to smile, so he did.

Steve finished making his own food and sat down beside Bucky, they weren’t touching but they were close. “You said you wrote your memories down, is that something you’ve done before?”

“Yes. In my journals.”

“That’s good,” Steve said. “What do you want to do for the rest of the day?”

Looking down at his plate Bucky stayed silent. He didn’t know. How could he know? He didn’t want to get it wrong have Steve annoyed him but he didn’t want Steve to be annoyed that he didn’t answer. He blinked rapidly as he went through the thought process. He had no idea what to do. He never did. Apart of him knew that he wasn’t normal, that most people didn’t have any memories or didn’t know how to function without specific instructions, he knew that but it didn’t change anything. He was still like that. He didn’t know what to do.

“I’m really proud of you,” Steve said cutting into his thoughts. “I know that it’s hard right now but you’re still here. That’s something to celebrate.”

Bucky didn’t think so, living alone wasn’t something that normal people considered an achievement. It was just a thing people did.

“I mean it. You’re so brave and I am proud. You should be too. Now, is there anything you enjoyed doing while I was gone?” Steve hoped that asking him more specific questions like that would make it easier.

“I enjoyed the movie.”

“Okay, I’ve got other movies we saw before the war as well, do you want to watch them?”

A small nod was the answer Steve got. The continued eating in silence, Steve finishing before Bucky. He got up and finished putting the groceries away while Bucky watched him moving about. “I got us some popcorn, do you want to have some while we watch a movie?” Bucky nodded again, he didn’t know what popcorn was but Steve seemed to think it was a good idea so it must have been. 

Steve smiled and nodded. He got a blue box out, opened it and took out a smaller packet covered in plastic. Bucky watched and ate his food as Steve took the plastic off and placed it in the mini-oven beside the fridge. The mini-oven spun the bag around while Steve leaned against the bench looking at Bucky. “Do you remember the Wizard of Oz?”

“A… lion?”

“Yeah, the cowardly lion. Anything else?”

“No,” Bucky shook his head. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Steve said. “It’s okay not to remember.”

In the mini-oven, the popcorn bag started to expand. A loud pop had Bucky jumping out of his seat, a knife in his hand pointed towards the sound, which was beside Steve. Another pop happened and Bucky’s eyes widened, his hands flying to ears trying to stop the noise. It was so loud. Bucky could only hear gunfire suddenly. 

He was on the ground, there was dirt everywhere and Steve was yelling orders. He didn’t know where he was. Where was he? He could feel bullets flying overhead and there were planes in the blackening sky. Steve was beside of him but he couldn’t get to him. There were people everywhere and everyone was screaming, adding to the panic. Why was it so loud?

“Bucky!” 

Steve was in front of him, holding onto his shoulders. Something was dripping down his cheek. 

“Buck! Can you hear me?”

It was quiet now. The noises had stopped. Bucky knew where he was. He was in Steve’s kitchen, in his apartment. There were no guns here.

“Are you okay?” Steve asked, wiping at Bucky’s cheek. “You with me?”

“Sorry,” Bucky said. His voice was scratchy and there were tears in his eyes. Was he going to be punished for - for whatever just happened? Steve didn’t look angry, he looked worried, but Bucky’s eyes were blurry so he could just be seeing things. 

“No, God no, don’t say sorry. You’re okay, you’re not in trouble.” 

“Promise?”

Wiping at his cheek again, Steve nodded. “Promise. Come on, we’ve got to get you cleaned up,” he pulled his hand back and it was red. Covered in blood. Buky stared at it in confusion, he was bleeding? “You scratched your temple with your knife when you covered your ears, it’s not that bad, you’ll be okay,” Steve explained. 

Steve helped Bucky stand and led him into the bathroom. He basically had to carry Bucky, his legs were shaking so badly that he couldn’t walk by himself. Steve hoped the touch was comforting and not unwanted. He sat Bucky down on the toilet and pulled down the first aid kit, they were silent as he wiped up the blood from his face and placed a plaster over the cut. 

“You okay?” Steve asked once they were done. 

“It doesn’t hurt.”

“Good,” he put the first aid kit away. “Do you still want to watch the movie?”

Bucky looked down at his hands, folding metal through flesh, he wanted to watch the movie with Steve. Vague memories of holding Steve’s hand in the darkness of cinemas had come back while he was alone, stealing kisses in the back rows. That was something he wanted more than anything. But the real question that Bucky was asking himself as Steve smiled down at him as if he deserved it. And the answer to that was, to Bucky at least, an obvious no. He unfolded and re-folded his hands before looking back at Steve and shaking his head slowly. 

“Okay,” Steve frowned softly staring at Bucky intently. “Is there something you want to do?”

He shook his head again. Bucky couldn’t understand why Steve was treating him so nicely, all he did was mess up and hurt people. All he was good for was following orders. But Steve acted like he had his own mind, he let him have nice food and watch movies and remember things and he called him brave when he wasn’t brave. He was the opposite of brave. He didn’t deserve any of what Steve was offering. He couldn’t understand why Steve thought he did. 

“When I finish a mission I like to read, it calms me down,” Steve said. “Would you like to read with me?” Steve was staring at Bucky who had taken to looking his hands again, he could tell that something was wrong. That much was obvious to anyone. He had a few guesses as to what was wrong with Bucky, the response to being called brave was telling enough. 

“I don’t understand,” Bucky said softly. It was so quiet Steve almost didn’t catch it. But he did and he had to hold back a wince. He sounded so lost, and he wouldn’t make eye contact. 

“Come on,” Steve held out his hand and helped Buck to stand. “Do you remember what a book is?”

“Yes.”

“You read a book,” Steve said. “We used to do it before the war.”

The two of them walked hand in hand to the living room. Steve was going to let go of Bucky’s hand, he hated the idea that Bucky was too scared to say no, but Bucky gripped Steve’s hand so hard that he didn’t. Steve sat Bucky down on the sofa and went to the bookcase. He pressed a button on a big silver electronic that Bucky hadn’t used before and music followed the room. He had heard the music before, in Steve’s apartment and before that. Then Steve pulled two books off the shelf and walked back over to Bucky. He sat down on the other end of the sofa and handed Bucky one of the books. 

“You read it before the war,” Steve said. “There’s more now, and movies as well. We can watch them later if you want to.”

Bucky recognized the title, The Hobbit, he had read it before but he didn’t know what it was about. He also remembered sitting in their old apartment, both with a book and music playing from their old radio. He would have Steve pressed up against his side as they read quietly and he remembered enjoying it. Bucky wanted to get his notebook, he wanted to write it down, but Steve had put Bucky on the sofa and he didn’t know if he was allowed to get up. 

Steve watched Bucky as he looked at the book, seemed to recognize it and he watched as his eyes went blank before he started thinking hard. He wanted to ask something, he got the same look each time. Like he was terrified of the outcome, which Steve guessed was true, but also that he was curious. “Buck?” Steve said softly, Bucky’s head snapping up to look at him, “are you okay?”

“Can I-” he cut himself off, shaking his head and looking back at the book.

“You can do whatever you want.”

“Can I get my journal?” 

“Of course,” Steve said. Bucky jumped off the sofa, leaving the book, and rushed out of the room and into the guest room. He stayed in there for a few minutes, Steve assumed he was writing down a memory or something along those lines, which made him happier than anything in a long time. The idea that Bucky was slowly reclaiming himself was amazing to him. 

He came back in silently and sat back down, picking up the book. He looked happy, his eyes seemed brighter and he carried himself lighter. 

“Hey Buck,” Steve said after about an hour of reading. Bucky looked up from his book and meet Steve’s gaze. “I’m real' happy you came here, all I want is for you to be happy and safe.”

Bucky looked down and spoke quietly, “I came to you because I remembered you were safe. That you made me happy.”

It was probably the longest sentence Steve had heard from Bucky since 1945. It was also the best thing Steve had heard in a very, very, long time. “You’re always going to be safe with me, Buck, and I’ll do everything I can to make you happy.”

“Promise?” Bucky asked looking back up. 

“Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the next chapter is here! Poor Bucky :(


	6. Chapter 6

When Steve’s phone rang Bucky jumped and shot his gaze to Steve’s pocket, worry shining in his eyes. Steve sent him an apologetic look and left the room. A picture of Sam lit up his screen and he sighed, it wasn’t like he was trying to avoid the Avengers, he just wasn’t answering any of their calls. “Sam,” he said when he was in his bedroom. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, can’t I call a friend?”

“Okay, how are you?” Steve replied sarcastically. Sam wasn’t calling just to say hi, they did that obviously, but not after Steve had ignored them all day after acting strangely during the mission. 

“Oh, I’m great, you? I’m sure you’re happy with your new roommate.”

Steve closed his eyes and sighed, “what do you mean?” He asked after a moment, hoping that Sam was just messing with him. Very unlikely but still worth a shot.

“Come on, Rogers, you can’t slip something by Nat. Especially not something this big, you know that.”

“Don’t tell anyone.”

“So it is true!”

“Sam!”

He laughed in response, “we guessed as much. All good, you’re secret’s safe with me. He’s not going to try and kill you in your sleep or anything though, right?” Sam’s voice changed from teasing to generally worried, Steve was thankful at that moment for having Sam in his life.

“No. He’s not.”

“Cool, well, I guess we’ll see you when we see you. Oh, you still have to submit your reports from the missions, everyone’s on my ass cause you’re not answering your phone.”

“It died, and I forgot to put it on charge.”

Sam scoffed, the lie was obvious to anyone. His phone hadn’t died, he had just been ignoring all the calls all night because he was reading with Bucky and he didn’t want to stop for anything. If they really needed him they would find a way to get in contact. “See ya, Cap,” Sam said before hanging up and leaving Steve to walk back to Bucky. 

It was late mid-morning now, they had spent the entire day watching old movies. Steve had put The Wizard of Oz on when they had both had woken up, he had told Bucky he was allowed to watch and then had let Bucky decide whether he wanted to watch it. He had ultimately decided to and had sat on the sofa while Steve made them porridge. Bucky had ended up writing three things down in his journals while they were watching the movie. 

“You can ask me anything,” Steve said as he sat down, they were sat on opposite ends of the three seater sofa. Bucky’s curious eyes had followed him from the moment he had walked in so he knew that Bucky wanted to know something. “I won’t get angry and you won’t get punished.”

“Who called you?”

“My friend Sam, he’s in the pictures on the wall and he’s an Avenger.”

“The one that can fly?”

“Yeah. He wanted to know why I wasn’t answering my phone,” Steve explained. Bucky folded his fingers together, which Steve had picked up to mean he was nervous. “Buck, what’s worrying you?”

He looked to the movie, it was Snow White again since Bucky liked it so much, and he shrugged, shaking his head. 

“You don’t have to tell me, but you can tell me if you want to. You won’t get in trouble, either way, I promised you that.”

“Sam knows I’m here.”

“How do you know that?”

“I heard the call. I’m sorry.”

Steve shook his head, silently damning the serum that ran through their veins, “you don’t need to be sorry Buck, I swear. It’s okay, I trust Sam. He won’t tell anyone you’re here until you’re ready.”

Bucky looked somewhat happy with the answer given and went back to watching the movie silently. When Steve was sure Bucky was at least a little happy with what was happening he pulled out his laptop and started typing up the report. Every now and again Steve would see Bucky write something in his journal or look over at Steve. As the end credits started rolling Steve finished his report and sent them to Tony, closing his laptop and turning his full attention to Bucky. 

“Do you want to watch another one?” He asked.

“I’d like to read?” Bucky said softly. Even though he phrased it as a question Steve considered it good that he was suggesting anything. He nodded at Bucky, trying to get him to continue. “The book I had yesterday?”

The book in question was sitting beside Steve, so all he had to do was hand it to Bucky with a smile. Bucky smiled back slightly before starting to read again. Steve picked up his own book but before he had opened it Bucky spoke up, “Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I-” he hesitated, thought for a moment, pulled back his shoulders and restarted. “Can I sit beside you?”

Steve’s eyes went wide in surprise. He hadn’t expected that, not in the slightest. Bucky took the silence as a bad thing, his own eyes went wider and he shyed away from Steve while opening his mouth to apologise. Steve cursed to himself, “of course you can, Buck. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you worry it was just that I didn’t expect it. Come here,” he moved so that he was sitting straighter on the sofa and made room for Bucky.

Bucky, as slowly as he could, slid over the cushions so that he was pressed up against Steve. They weren’t cuddled into each other by any means, they were just touching. Both boys relished in the feeling, neither of them had felt something so familiar, so like home, since the war. Even if the only memories Bucky had where vague impressions, he knew that this was something important. This was something that was good. He knew he hadn’t had anything like it in a long time and he also knew, he didn’t know how, but he knew that he only wanted this with Steve. 

“You were smaller,” Bucky muttered.

“What?”

“Last time,” Bucky classified. “You were smaller last time we did this.”

“I was,” Steve nodded with a smile. 

Looking up to catch Steve gaze Bucky let a smile grace his face as well. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“Being Steve.”

“Anytime,” Steve said softly. “Anytime Buck.”

~~

That night Bucky was sitting in the kitchen while Steve made them dinner. Buck had his journal on the bench beside him and was leafing through the pages slowly, going through the memories he had written down. There was a small sketch he had done (he wasn’t as good as Steve but he could get his drawing across) of cryo. It was from both his perspective when they turned it on and from the outside. As he looked at it he felt the cold seeping into his bones. He knew he wasn’t really in cryo but the feeling was real and he was scared. He swore he could feel the temperature dropping in the room. The sweater he was wearing (it was Steve’s) wasn’t very thick and wasn’t doing anything to help. Gathering all the courage he could, which he didn’t think was much, he spoke up. “Steve?” God, he hated the sound of his own voice. He had a few memories of how he was before, he always sounded so confident and nothing like the broken man he was today. 

“Yeah, Buck?”

“Can I have another jumper?”

“Is there something wrong with that one?” Steve asked turning around. 

Bucky felt his face go pale. He hadn’t even thought about how Steve would feel, he had given Bucky the clothes he was wearing and Bucky was being so ungrateful when he should be thanking him for everything. “No. No. I’m sorry.”

Steve frowned causing Bucky’s legs to start shaking. Was he going to be punished for this? Steve had said he wouldn’t be punished but Bucky hadn’t been so disrespectful, aside from calling him while he was away. The situation wasn’t helping the chill he could feel all around him. He clamped his hands over his legs and tried to calm himself down - whatever Steve did, he deserved. 

“You can tell me if something’s wrong. I won’t get mad.”

“I’m sorry,” he muttered, cursing at himself for being so disrespectful and so pathetic.

“Buck, there’s nothing to be sorry for. You’re safe here, promise.”

“I’m cold,” he said as fast as he possibly could. 

Pushing himself off the bench Steve nodded. “Do you want me to get you something, or do you want to get it yourself?” 

When Bucky didn’t answer or look up, Steve nodded again and left the room. Bucky wanted to be put in cryo just so he could stop failing. At least in the cold darkness, he was alone and couldn’t mess up every single minute. He didn’t want to have to deal with Steve hating him, he didn’t want to have to deal with punishments or anger or fighting or anything. He was just so tired. Bucky was pulled out of his worsening thoughts when a jacket was draped over his shoulders. He jumped slightly and turned to see Steve smiling at him.

“You’re safe here,” Steve said as Bucky pulled the jacket around him. “Promise.”

“Thank you.”

“There’s nothing to thank me for.”

Bucky shook his head fast and hard. He wasn’t used to disagreeing with his superiors - it was the worst thing he could do. He knew that his handlers were never wrong, of course, he knew that but he couldn’t let Steve think that. What he was doing, helping Bucky when he didn’t need to, was something that deserved thanks. More thanks than what Bucky could give. “I - sorry - I disagree.”

“Why do you disagree?” Steve asked. He tried to keep his tone as light as possible, to keep the question casual and not threatening. 

“You’re good.”

“I’m - I’m good?”

He nodded. In Bucky’s mind, in Bucky’s world, being good was the best thing you could be. It was all he aspired to be for decades with Hydra. Being good with them was different than before, he understood that slightly. Being good for him meant following orders perfectly, never complaining or hesitating no matter what. In this world, in Steve’s world, being good meant a lot of things. Cleaning up spilled water, that was good, eating food was good. Even saying no was good here. But there was another way to be good which Bucky didn’t know if he would ever be able to do and that scared him. Being kind. That was something that good people did - something that Steve did and Bucky didn’t. 

“Well then, thanks,” Steve said pushing a plate of meatloaf towards Bucky. “You’re good as well.”

“No. I’ve broken rules.”

Steve shook his head, “you’ve broken your old rules. You don’t have to have to follow them anymore. You get to decide to do what to do now.”

Bucky looked down at his food. Steve had always been a terrible cook, he had a memory of Steve nearly burning down their shared apartment, but this didn’t look too bad. He picked up his fork and started eating silently. It tasted like something he had eaten before, maybe it was the same recipe from before the war. 

“I mean it Buck, you’re good and you don’t have to follow any rules.” 

“I don’t know how to function without rules. I’ve always had rules.”

“You can learn at your own pace,” Steve reassured. “It’s going to take time, but that’s okay, and I’ll be here for you.”

“What if I can never function like a human?”

Pouring a glass of milk for Bucky, Steve shrugged. “I don’t believe you won’t be able to. But, if you can’t, then I’ll help you.”

“Why?”

“What do you mean?”

“You don’t need to do this. I’m a burden.”

He shook his head, “you’re not a burden. I told you I’m happy that you’re here, didn’t I?” Steve waited until Bucky nodded reluctantly. “I want you here, and I’m happy to help you no matter what.”

Bucky brought his glass to his lips and took a sip. A flash of a memory came to mind, him sitting in a dark room with a gun on the table, Pierce offering him a glass a milk, a glass of milk he knew he couldn’t take. Bucky picked up his pen and wrote it down his journal with a little star beside it, meaning it was a Winter Soldier memory. They weren’t as nice but a lot more common than memories from before the fall. They were never nice, flashes of dark rooms and blood-soaked hands. People crying and begging, his face emotionless at the pain he was causing. Cages holding him in and his hands holding people’s throats to walls. Those memories didn’t help him. They made his sad, they made him feel a lot of things (and a lot of those things he hadn’t felt in decades). Anger was the main one, however, anger and confusion. He didn’t understand why he was angry at what had happened (he was just trying to be good) but he was anyway. 

The pencil in his hand snapped, shards flew across the table and he ended up with two pieces hanging from his clenched fist. “Sorry!” He said instantly, moving to sweep all the pieces up from the bench. “I’m sorry, sir, I sorry. I won’t do it again.”

As he moved his hand, his elbow shifted and knocked his glass of milk over. Bucky’s face drained of all its colour and his went wide in fear and shook. Steve pulled a cloth off the oven and started mopping up the mess, Bucky took the cloth with shaking hands and started cleaning himself. 

“I can do it,” Steve said. “It’s okay.”

Bucky didn’t speak, he just shook his head and continued to wipe. Tears coated his eyes but weren’t falling, but he also looked resigned, and somewhat calmer than the moment it happened. Steve watched with sadness in his own eyes as his best friend freaked out over a spilled glass of milk. Was this what he was like when Steve was gone? Scared, shaking and alone?

Once the table was basically clean he put his hands over Bucky. “Go wash your hands in the bathroom,” he didn’t mean it as an order but Bucky nodded as quickly as he could before rushing out, happy to follow the order he had been given. 

Steve wiped down the rest of the table, threw the cloth in the laundry and made his way to the bathroom. Just as he was getting to the door Bucky stepped out, pausing when he saw Steve. He held his hands so they were together and resting against his stomach, his face pale his head ducked. “I’m sorry, sir. I’m ready to expect punishment.” 

Holding his hand out, Steve kept himself from getting angry. Not at Bucky but at the world in general. “Take my hand please,” he said when Bucky didn’t move. He did so as quickly as he could, only looking up to put his hand in Steve’s. The two of them walked into the living room with Steve leading them. Bucky was shaking as they walked but was trying his best to control it - which broke Steve’s heart. 

“Calm down,” Steve said sitting Bucky on the sofa and kneeling in front of him. “You’re not in trouble, I promise. You’ve done nothing wrong, you’re okay.”

“I spilled milk,” Bucky said. “I broke the pencil. I was ungrateful. I didn’t do a good job while you were away. I’m not good. I deserve to be punished, whatever my handler wants. You know better. I’m not good, Steve.”

“What would your punishment for that be?” Steve asked with no intent to punish him. 

Bucky looked down and paused. “Striking and isolation.” 

“Striking and isolation,” Steve whispered to himself. That was the punishment for spilling milk and being disrespectful. That was what Bucky had to live with, thinking it was right. “Well, that’s not happening here because this is a safe place for you. Do you understand?”

He shook his head.

“What don’t you understand?” Steve asked trying his hardest to keep his voice calm.

“I was bad. I am bad. I need punishment.”

“That’s not true,” Steve said. “You don’t deserve punishment, you never did and you never will. Do you understand?”

“No punishment,” he said slowly. “What if I’m really bad?”

“No punishments whatsoever. Promise.”

Bucky unfolded his hands and moved one hesitantly, Steve smiled and moved his own so that they were sitting holding hands. Metal and flesh linked together. They sat there silently until Bucky fell asleep. Steve moved so that he was sitting beside Bucky, still holding onto his hand. Almost instantly Bucky shifted so that his side was pressed in against Steve’s. Steve smiled at his sleeping friend, he deserved so much more than what he had gotten and Steve had promised himself that he was going to give him the world. Yawning, he rested his cheek on Bucky’s head and let himself drift off to the soothing sounds of Bucky breathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))
> 
> Let me know what you think!!


	7. Chapter 7

When they woke up the room was covered in a hazy glow, their stomachs were growling and they were still holding hands. Steve woke up first, looking down sleepily at the man in his arms and staying completely still until Bucky woke up naturally. Once he did, he jumped back and away from Steve so he was sitting on the other end of the sofa. “It’s okay, Buck, you’re okay,” Steve said softly. 

“Sorry.”

Steve frowned, thinking hard. Bucky always apologized, no matter what, and Steve didn’t blame him. He didn’t even mind him apologizing. But he didn’t want it to keep going, he didn’t want Bucky to think he had to. “Why are you sorry?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“If you don’t know why you’re apologizing, maybe it means you don’t need to?”

Bucky frowned and muttered to himself in Russian before looking back at Steve. “I don’t want to be punished.” 

“And saying sorry helps?”

“No.”

“So why say it?”

“I don’t know.”

Smiling at Bucky, Steve stood and stretched. “It’s okay, Buck. It’s okay not to know things, I’m going to make some sandwiches. Want to help me?” It took him a moment but he nodded slowly and stood up beside Steve. The two of them went into the kitchen and, silently, made their own late-lunch-early-dinner. Bucky’s was just basic jam, Steve put an apple on his plate as well, while Steve made a cheese and ham one for himself. When they were sitting at the table Steve spoke again, “did you know Disney’s made way more movies?” Bucky shook his head. “They have, there’s so many, would you want to watch some?”

“What are they?” Bucky asked softly. 

“A lot of the fairy tales we used to hear but, uh, more kid-friendly.”

“You had nightmares because of Little Red Riding Hood,” Bucky said. He didn’t know what that was, but he knew Steve had begged him to stay the night when they were younger because he was afraid the wolf be able to get into his apartment. He also knew that if Steve asked for help he really needed it. Bucky reached for his journal that was in the pocket of his coat (he didn’t like the heating, preferring Steve’s coat) and wrote down the memory before it disappeared. 

Steve groaned but he was smiling, which confused Bucky because you groaning wasn’t a good thing but smiling was so what Steve was feeling was a mystery to Bucky. “Of all the things you could remember, you have to remember the embarrassing stuff.”

“Sorry,” he muttered, Steve’s face falling slightly at his words, Bucky frowned at his journal. Steve didn’t want him to say sorry when he didn’t need to, and he didn’t think remembering something was bad because Steve had said it was good. “No,” he said, his voice wobbling and his eyes refusing to look away from his journal. “I’m not sorry that I remembered it.” 

“Good,” Steve said with thinly veiled happiness. “I’m glad you’re not sorry for it. I remember plenty of embarrassing things about you anyway.”

Bucky opened his journal and skipped to one of the first pages, pointing at a line he had written in a green pen. ‘Steve liked getting punched by men twice his size - he was a dumbass’ Steve read and laughed loudly. “This was one of my first memories of you,” Bucky said. “That you were are dumbass,” he took his (new) pencil and wrote ‘and he still is’ beside the green. He had no idea if he was going to get in trouble if it was anyone else he would have, but Steve didn’t seem to understand how or why to punish him so he figured he could share his thoughts. Even if he got in trouble for it later, even if he got punished, it felt nice to speak his mind.

“I’m not a dumbass,” Steve replied lowly. Bucky was about to apologize, maybe he had misread the situation - which wasn’t supposed to happen, he was trained to read situations perfectly for Hydra - when another memory came to mind. They were children, younger than ten, and Steve was getting picked on by an older kid, probably for money that Steve didn’t even have and instead of running or doing anything that a normal kid would, he tried to punch the other boy which resulted in Steve off school for a week with a fractured jaw. That was, in Bucky’s (albeit broken) mind a dumbass thing to do. But, that bully didn’t mess with the others kids in the school after Steve had fought back. 

“You don’t like bullies,” Bucky said instead of apologizing, writing down the memory on a new page. 

“No, I don’t.”

After taking another bite of his sandwich, Bucky asked, “can we watch the Hobbit movie?”

~~

The Hobbit movies were a success in Steve’s eyes. Bucky hardly looked away from the screen the entire time and he hadn’t looked as relaxed as he did for a long time. He also looked extremely cute, his coat was still on but he also had one of the fluffiest blankets across his lap and a pillow behind his head. Steve had smiled to himself when Bucky had (very, very slowly) pulled the blanket over himself before getting out his sketchbook and continuing with his current drawing. 

Once the movie ended Bucky lent back and sighed, “I enjoyed that.”

“Yeah?” Steve said not taking his eyes off his drawing. “The set they used for the village is a real thing you know?”

“Really?”

“You can go there and everything, guided tours and all.”

“Where is it located?”

Steve pursed his lips and looked up, “New Zealand.”

“I’ve not been there. ‘Don’t think Hydra ever went there.” 

“I’m sure we can visit one day. They have birds that can’t fly.”

“Like you,” Bucky replied before frowning at himself. “That was rude, I’m sorry.”

“It was funny,” Steve disagreed handing Bucky the finished drawing. “My sixteenth birthday, we were watching the fireworks back in Brooklyn,” the picture was simple enough. Steve and Bucky sitting on the roof of Bucky’s apartment building. They were on a picnic blanket with another blanket draped across their shoulders. Bucky was looking straight ahead, laughing, while Steve looked at Bucky with a cheeky grin on his face. Bucky stared at the photo, he felt like the picture was missing something but he couldn’t figure out what it was. 

He did remember the night, they always watched the fireworks on Steve’s birthday but this one was special because he was turning sixteen. Something else happened. “Don’t worry about it Buck,” Steve said after a few moments. “Whatever’s wrong, or if something is troubling you, don’t worry.”

“There’s something else.”

“What do you mean?”

“Your sixteenth birthday was important. We did something.”

A light blush spread across Steve’s face so Bucky figured he was on to something. He could picture Steve and him talking about Steve’s sixteenth, it was an important date for them, for some reason. They were planning something. Steve hadn’t wanted to wait but Bucky was making them and told Steve that he was older so he knew better. 

“I shouldn’t have drawn that, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” Bucky asked looking up.

“You shouldn’t be trying to remember this night.”

“But you said remembering is good.”

“I did, and it is, but-”

Bucky tilted his head and interrupted his friend. “So it’s a good thing that I’m remembering this? Because I can stop if you want me to?”

Steve didn’t want Bucky to remember that night. Not because he didn’t want him to remember in general but because the night in question wasn’t a great memory for an already confused Bucky. But he couldn’t even entertain the thought of telling Bucky not to remember so he shook his head. “No, it’s always a good thing to remember.” 

“We were planning something,” Bucky said. “Like a mission.”

“It was nothing like a mission,” Steve said as calmly as possible. He didn’t want Bucky to think he was angry at him. He just didn’t like the idea of Bucky being on missions. He didn’t think Hydra sent him on many good missions. The thought of Bucky having to do whatever he was told, with no free will, made his blood boil. Really, the only reason he wasn’t punching something right now was that Bucky was sitting beside him, safe and somewhat sound. 

“But we were planning something?”

With a nod, Steve stood. “Want some milk?” Steve was leaving the area for two reasons, the first was that he was thirsty and he figured Bucky would be as well plus milk was good for people who didn’t get enough nutrients. The second reason was that this conversation was not one that he wanted to have right now at all. Bucky nodded at his question and went back to looking at the picture. “Seriously, Buck, don’t push yourself,” he called out from the kitchen. He didn’t want Bucky thinking he was broken or anything like that if he couldn’t remember something. 

When Steve came back in, two glasses of milk in hands, Bucky was sitting with a look of confusion on his face. But also, he looked like he understood something as well. Steve handed Bucky a glass and sat beside him. The sketchbook was sitting on the sofa with a captain written underneath the picture. 

4th July 1934 - Our first kiss. 

~~

It was nearing midnight when they went to bed, having slept for the majority of the afternoon meant they weren’t all that tired but still they turned off the TV (where they had continued watching Hobbit movies) and went to their own rooms. 

Steve was lying in his bed, wide awake, at three that morning. He couldn’t clear his mind no matter how hard he tried. How could he? His best friend, who was assumed dead, had appeared as a weapon for Nazis, had fought him, disappeared and then turned up, bleeding, and a shell of a man. How was Steve supposed to not freak out slightly? In the few days they had spent together Bucky was already getting better. He wished that he hadn’t had to leave him, who knows where they would be if they had been able to stay together? But, at least Bucky was a little happy and on the road to recovery. There were so many things to do before they could be better though. 

As he lay there he thought of all the things they needed to do. He figured getting a shrink for Bucky (at probably him if he was being honest) would be a good step, but he would wait until Bucky was ready for that before organizing that. Sam would know who the good therapists were that they could use. Sam, Steve’s thoughts wandered to the Avengers. Introducing Bucky to them would be a challenge in itself. He had tried to kill Sam and Nat (twice), he was a soldier (unwitting) of Hydra and had killed Tony’s parents. That conversation would be awkward. They all knew what had happened to Bucky, and Tony knew what he had done, but that didn’t mean it couldn’t cause problems. In honesty, the most likely problem was probably Bucky freaking out on them. 

When the clock clicked to 4 am Steve sighed and rolled onto his side to grab his phone. May as well answer some emails or check the news while he couldn’t sleep. A few hours during the day was good enough for him. An email from Tony, messages from Nat and Sam, a potential situation in Texas that another Avenger could handle. Nothing too important. The email from Tony was just a new suit for Steve plus a few personal questions about his absence. Nat was asking how they were and if he needed any help while Sam just sent a photo of some Captain America merch he had found (shoes with his shield on them) and then a photo of Sam wearing said shoes in his house.

There was a whimper from Bucky’s room which stopped Steve’s response to Sam (an eyeroll emoji). Steve sat up on his bed and listened more intently. Another whimper had Steve out of his bed and out into the hallway. 

Bucky was silent for a moment, whimpered again, and then started begging for someone to called Alekei to stop. Steve pushed open the door when the screaming started. He didn’t know if he should wake Bucky, but then he started clawing at his face, scratching at his temples and screaming. Steve grabbed Bucky’s wrists and pulled them down as hard as he could, Bucky was strong and it was hard to do, but he managed to pin him down and shake him awake at the same time. 

“Buck! Come on! You’re okay, you’re in my apartment and you’re safe.”

“Steve…?” Bucky’s voice was soft and slurred. Steve let go of him when he figured it was safe to do so.

“I’m here. I’m right here, Buck. Are you okay?”

Pushing himself up, Bucky sat against the wall and looked out past Steve. His eyes were glassy and his movements sluggish. Steve watched with concerned eyes, he didn’t even look like he could hold his own head up. “What happened?”

“You had a nightmare. Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Alekei was there. An old handler from Russian. He must be dead now, it was towards the start of my - my time as the asset,” he paused and folded his hands on his lap. “He was using the chair for the first time. He didn’t know you can only use it for 30 seconds at a time.”

“I’m guessing this really happened?” Steve asked softly. 

Bucky nodded, the movement barely non-existent. “It hurt so bad. They had to put me back in cryo for a month before they figured out how to bring back basic commands.”

“I’m so sorry, Bucky.”

He tilted his head to the side, “what for? You’re not Alekei.”

Closing his eyes, Steve tried to stop the tears in his eyes. After all, Bucky had been through, all the pain and suffering, he was still good. He was still a good man but he had no idea. And now he was asking why Steve was sorry. Why wasn’t he sorry. He had let him fall, he had assumed he was dead, he never found him, he had let all this happy. But Steve didn’t want to get into all that. Really, he just wanted to hold Bucky and help the man go back to sleep. So he opened his eyes, now slightly blurry, and smiled. “I don’t know. ‘Just am.”

“If you don’t know why you’re apologizing, maybe it means you don’t need to?”

Steve let out a little chuckle and nodded. His own words had just been thrown in his face and he loved it. “Guess so. What do you want to do now?”

“Can I go back to sleep?”

“Of course.”

Bucky moved over on the queen bed and looked at his hands. “Can you stay?”

“Of course,” Steve repeated and moved to sit beside him. They both moved so they were lying down side by side, the bed wasn’t big enough to let them not touch but neither truly minded. They both hoped that being together would chase the nightmares aware as they slipped into sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He's getting there!
> 
> The Hobbiton place is really cool. I've never seen the movies but I live about 2 hours away (Kiwi's represent!) so I added it in here!


	8. Chapter 8

The next morning found Steve alone in Bucky’s bed. He was about to panic, a million scenarios running through his with most of them ending in Bucky’s death, and then he heard movement in the kitchen and he was able to breathe again. 

Last night had been hard, after the first nightmare there had been three more. One that ended in Bucky sobbing and apologizing to Pierce (Steve had to control his temper that time). Then there had been the one that caused Bucky to completely freeze under Steve’s hold before he sleepily said ‘begging is just going to make this go slower’ and freak the hell out of Steve. The last one was at six in the morning and had Bucky sigh before saying that Steve didn’t need to hear what he had done. 

It was now just after seven, a good time to get up. The bed was cold so Bucky had been gone for a while, probably since the last nightmare. Steve threw the covers off himself and went into the kitchen were Bucky was standing. He had his hands on his hips and when he turned, a frown on his face.

“Morning, Buck, what are you doing?”

“Making breakfast.”

There was a pile of dirty dishes beside the sink and something burnt on the stove. “Want some help?”

“I used to be good at this. I used to make you food.”

“You did. Especially when I was sick.”

Bucky’s face crumbled and tears sprung to his eyes before he was furiously scrubbing at them. Steve gently pulled his hands down and smiled at him, wiping under his eyes gently and shushing him. Bucky gripped onto Steve’s forearms and looked so broken that Steve felt his own heartbreak. “I wanted to cook breakfast,” Bucky said through sobs. “I know I could but I can’t anymore. I can’t do anything and I hate it. I hate me.”

“Hey, Bucky, it’s okay. You’re okay. Can you calm down for me?” His breathing just became more erratic and he started crying even harder. “Bucky, come on man. You’re okay. Can you breath?” What happened after that was Bucky’s metal hand slammed into Steve’s chest, pushing him onto the floor, and then Bucky was running into his bedroom. “Fuck,” Steve muttered as he stood. He wasn’t injured, just winded slightly. He didn’t really care about that though, the panicking man in his guest bedroom was his top priority. 

Fishing his phone out, he dialed Sam’s number as he walked. “Hey, Steve. Thanks for waking me.”

“Sorry,” Steve said dismissively. He didn’t mean to be rude he just needed to get to the point as quickly as he could. “How do you calm someone down from a panic attack?”

“Is this someone an ex-Hydra assassin?”

“Yes,” he was in the bedroom now and could hear Bucky crying in the wardrobe. The wardrobe in this room was tiny, he had no idea how Bucky was able to fit himself inside so easily. Tilting the phone away from his mouth he tried to talk to him again, “Buck, can you hear me?”

“He might not want to talk,” Sam said. “Ask him to knock if he can hear you.”

Steve followed Sam’s instruction and sighed in relief when there was a knock. He put his phone on speaker and rested it on his lap before speaking softly to Bucky. “Good, that’s good. Do you need any help? One knock for yes and two for no.”

“Uh - remind him that he’s allowed to ask for help.”

“You can get help, Buck, you’re allowed that here,” he waited for a moment and then there was a knock. “Are you hurt?” Two knocks. “Can you come out of the wardrobe?” Two knocks. “Are you afraid?” There was a loud knock, and then a smaller quieter one, and then another soft one. “A little afraid?” One knock. “Of Hydra?” Two knocks. “Of-” he felt sick saying it “-me?” Two knocks (and thank God). 

“Steve, what were you doing before this happened?” Sam asked.

“He was trying to make breakfast and panicked, saying he couldn’t do it and he hated himself.”

Sam was silent for a few seconds before replying. “Ask if he’s scared of never being the way he was before Hydra,” Steve didn’t need to ask because Bucky knocked once.

“That’s okay,” Steve said. “I was scared of the same thing when I came out of the ice. I was terrified. You’re allowed to be scared and you’re allowed to get help for it. Understand?” One knock. “Can you come out now?” Two knocks. “Can you talk?” Two knocks. “Do you want to be left alone?” Two knocks.

“Do you need anything?” Sam asked. “Water, food, music, whatever?” 

Two knocks and then a tiny voice. “I don’t deserve it.”

“You do,” Steve said without hesitating before repeating what had happened to Sam.

“Hey, Bucky, I should introduce myself. I’m Sam Wilson, another friend of Cap’s. I’d like to say that I’m impressed with you, I can’t believe you managed to keep Rogers alive for twenty years without a super serum,” Sam spoke softly but still directly. Steve scoffed at the words but Bucky let out a tiny laugh which Steve saw as good. “Can I ask,” he continued, “why you don’t deserve nice things?”

“I’m a failure,” Bucky’s voice was thick, proof he was crying, and quite. Sam must have heard though because he hummed in reply. “I mess up everything I touch,” Bucky continued. “I’m useless.”

Steve was going to argue when Sam spoke, “I doubt it. Anyone who Steve considers a good man can’t be worthless.”

“Steve’s a dumbass.”

Sam laughed, “he is,” he agreed. Steve scowled at the phone but it lightened when Bucky chuckled again. Calling Sam had been a good thing to do - even if it had turned into them bashing on him. “Do you want to come out of the wardrobe now? I’m sure Steve wouldn’t mind helping you make breakfast and showing you how to.”

“I shouldn’t need help.”

“Lots of people need help after trauma, Bucky, it’s not a bad thing.”

“I pushed Steve. I need correction and punishment.” 

There was a pause in the room and Steve heard Bucky’s breathing hitch. He hated hearing his friend talking like this. Like he was nothing more than a dog. He wanted Pierce and every other Hydra agent back alive just so he could punch them again. “I told you, Buck, you’re not getting punished here. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But I pushed you.”

“Doesn’t matter, you didn’t hurt me or anything. Plus, you were scared and weren’t thinking properly so I don’t mind. I promised that I was never going to punish you, remember?”

One knock and then the door was being pushed open. Bucky was curled up in a ball on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees and his head against the wall. His eyes were red-rimmed and wet, and he sniffed a few times when he looked over at Steve, fear, and relief both present in his eyes.

From the phone, Sam spoke. “You guys all good?”

“Thank you, Sam, you were are really big help.”

“I know I was,” Sam laughed. “Well, I’m awake now so call me if you need me, and Bucky? I want to meet you when you’re ready.”

Steve closed his phone and held out his hand for Bucky to take. He did, Steve pulled him up and they stood chest to chest for a minute, not letting go of his hand. “Want to help me make pancakes?” Steve asked and Bucky smiled.

~~

Once the pancakes were made they settled onto the sofa with 30’s music playing. Bucky had stopped sniffing while he was mixing the batter and had fully calmed down when they were pouring them into the pan. Steve had made a joke about making them animal shapes and Bucky had hit him with the spatula which caused batter to go everywhere. He had nearly freaked out again but Steve had laughed and dipped his finger in the batter, wiping in on Bucky’s nose. Not wanting to start a food fight, Bucky had just wiped it off while sticking his tongue out at Steve. 

“You trust, Sam,” Bucky said while they were eating. “I’m surprised, you don’t make friends easily.”

“He’s a good man. He served as well and we get along well. I’m sorry if calling him wasn’t the right move,” Steve winced slightly at the very recent memory of Bucky’s panicked face. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“It was the right move.”

Steve smiled. “Good, I hope you want to meet him one day.”

“Does he want to meet me?”

“Yes.”

“I broke his wings.”

“He got new ones, better ones he said. He doesn’t mind.”

Bucky still looked uncertain but he dropped the subject and went back to eating his breakfast silently, clearly lost in thought. Steve let him be and ate his food before working on cleaning the kitchen. Bucky would probably want to do it, seeing as he made the mess, but he hadn’t moved in nearly ten minutes and Steve liked cleaning anyway. He had no idea what Bucky had tried to make but it had been burnt very badly and didn’t smell like anything. He was right about Bucky though, he came in and started complaining. “I can clean up my own mess, Steve.”

“I know,” Steve said handing him a rag. “You can dry.”

He snatched the towel of Steve’s hands and mumbled something under his breath before starting to dry. Once the majority of the dishes were done he spoke up again. “Everything I’ve done since I got here would have gotten me a beating - at least - with my old handlers. I haven’t done one good thing.”

“What do you mean? You haven’t been bad.”

“Yes, I have. That right there, I disagreed. Punishment.” 

“You never deserved any of it.”

Shrugging he picked up another plate. “I could be very bad. Punishments helped.”

“Yeah, they helped keep you in line.”

“I know. That’s good.” 

Steve clenched the glass in his hands, stopping himself when he thought he could break it with any more pressure. “No, Buck. Everything Hydra did was bad. Keeping you in line wasn’t a good thing. They were bad people.”

“That’s not true,” Bucky said weakly. “They helped me.”

“Helped how?”

“When I was bad - they made me good! And they gave me food and let me go on missions to prove that I was good. I wanted to be good and they helped me.”

“That wasn’t helping you be good! That was brainwashing and torturing you to be a puppet.”

Bucky looked upset and confused and oh-so lost which just made Steve angrier. Not at Bucky, never at Bucky, but still angry. Angry at Hydra? At the world? At himself? He didn’t know but he was angry, and upset, and confused and oh-so lost. He just wanted his friend to be okay. The last dish was washed and placed on the drying rack, Steve took Bucky’s hands and led him into the living room. “Hydra wasn’t good-”

“I know!”

“But you said -”

“No,” he interrupted again. “They made ME good. I know they were bad but when I was there I was good,” he paused looking at Steve. He needed Steve to get what he was saying. “You don’t understand,” he sighed angrily and pulled at his hair. Why couldn’t Steve understand him? It wasn’t hard, he just wanted to be good.

Steve shook his head. “I don’t understand. I need you to explain it to me.”

“I don’t want to. I want to watch a movie.”

“Buck,” Steve sighed. “We should talk about this.”

“Please don’t make me. I don’t want to.”

His voice was so small, so vulnerable, that Steve couldn’t say no even if he wanted to. He wasn’t going to say no to a direct question from Bucky. He needed Bucky to feel safe more than he wanted to know what Bucky meant. He could figure that out later, they could figure it out together. But right now, they were going to watch a movie so he leaned forward and grabbed the remote. 

“What do you want to watch?”

~~

When Bucky woke up from another nightmare that night he was confused and about to freak out, he didn’t know what was happening. Where was he? But Steve was there with a sleepy smile and arms around Bucky’s waist. Bucky lay back down and pulled himself closer to Steve, he wasn’t going to sleep again but it was nice to rest. They were in Steve’s room, in his apartment in DC. Bucky knew that. He had snuck in at two in the morning after a nightmare concerning falling out of a plane (he had never done that) and then using sandpaper to try and get a double-agent to talk (he had done that). Steve had lifted his arms and pulled him down into the bed, telling him that it wasn’t his fault and he didn’t need to blame himself. 

He had assumed that he wouldn’t like physical contact, for seventy years all the physical contact he had was painful, but whenever he felt Steve touch him he calmed down. He hadn’t liked it at first, every touch reminded him of pain. But then they reminded him off a time before his life went to hell. They were comforting, and he liked it and, even better, he was allowed to like it. 

“You okay?” Steve asked quietly. 

“Another nightmare.”

“Want to talk about it?”

Bucky stared at the ceiling, the sun was rising causing light shadows to dance across the room. He didn’t want Steve to have to hear his horror stories, but he also, he kind of wanted to talk through his problems. He could remember talking to Steve before and during the war, they’d talk about things that were worrying them and then they would fix whatever was bothering them. That sounded nice. “It was a mission I went on. There was a family but I just needed the father-” Steve sucked in a breath but otherwise stayed silent “-so I broke in during the night to take him alive. The son, he was probably fourteen, woke up and tried to fight me with a bat.”

“Did you-?”

“No. I pushed him out of my way and walked to the car. But he looked just like you used to and I recognized you in him. When I got back to the base they had to wipe me before I could continue the mission. I started fighting back. It wasn’t very pleasant.”

“Buck, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that. You’re so brave.”

“You say that I’m brave when I’m not.”

Steve shook his head. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

When Bucky stayed silent, Steve rolled onto his side and looked right into Bucky’s eyes. “I swear, Buck, I’m not lying when I say that you’re brave. You’re brave and you’re good.”

“All I want to be is good,” Bucky said after some silence. “That’s what I wanted for decades, but now I don’t think that’s what I want. Not Hydra good at least.”

“You can have anything you want.”

Bucky looked at his hands and then back to Steve before leaning up and pressing a kiss to his check. “I’d like a kiss.”

“You can have that whenever you want,” Steve replied with a grin. “Promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've got growth guys! Plus Sam - who is an actual angel and that's the truth!


	9. Chapter 9

“We don’t have to,” Steve said watching Bucky pace back and forth. “We can wait as long as you want.”

“You must be going stir crazy.”

“I’m fine, it’s only been a few days since I got home. I can handle it.”

Bucky looked out the window and sighed. “I’d like to go out. Just for a few minutes,” he turned to look back at Steve who was frowning. “I’m serious,” he was. He wanted to breathe some fresh air and he wanted to let Steve have a reprieve, no matter how small. Going out for a few minutes would be good everyone - at least he hoped it would.

“There’s a bakery just down the road, we could go and get something and come back?”

“That sounds good.”

Steve pushed himself off the sofa and tossed one of his jackets at Bucky, who caught it effortlessly without even looking. “When we get back we’re going shopping for you,” he said as he slipped his own coat on. Bucky sent him a pointed look and Steve shook his head with a grin, “you can shop online now.”

As soon as they stepped into the hallway Bucky was gripping Steve’s arm. He hadn’t been out of the apartment since he first arrived nearly a month ago. His metal arm had been thrust into his pocket to avoid people seeing it so it was his flesh hand that had Steve in a vice-like grip. Steve was going to call it, the fear in Bucky’s eyes freaking him out, but Bucky nodded at him and they started walking. 

“You okay?”

Bucky nodded softly, “yeah, I’m fine.”

They were both wearing caps, hoping to deter people from recognizing either of them. Bucky hadn’t been sure it would work but Steve had assured him it would. The two of them made it out of Steve’s apartment and into the shop without a problem, aside from a dog barking and Bucky nearly bolting. For Bucky, just being able to walk down the road was a nice feeling. He always felt safe with Steve around, so he felt safe as they went to the bakery. He didn’t let go of Steve’s arm, though, he didn’t think he could. Having the sun on his face helped him, he felt a lot lighter when he walked into the crowded bakery. 

He felt like it was going to be okay. 

It was a sweet little bakery. It was 50’s themed, checkered red, white and black table clothes over the few four-seater tables. Random black and white pictures decorated the walls and there was a jukebox in the corner. There was one waitress behind the counter wearing a typical 50’s costume and looking completely flustered. The place was absolutely packed with people, there was hardly a space to stand and no one was leaving. Steve made a noise of complaint when they walked in, “I’m sorry, Buck,” he said quietly. “It’s usually a lot quieter.”

“It’s okay. I can handle it.”

He said he could, and he thought he could, but then another group came in and Steve and Bucky were pushed forward so they were right up against the people in front of them. The sounds of the shop -machines, people, outside, the lot- started piling on Bucky until he couldn’t even hear Steve right beside him. There were too many people. 

“Buck?” Steve wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him right into his side. “Do you want to leave?”

The till beeped and the lady in front of them started typing on her phone. It was all so loud. It was too loud for him to focus on what Steve was saying. Someone knocked into his metal arm and he winced praying they didn’t think anything of it. He didn’t know how he would handle a person recognizing him right now, God, he didn’t know to handle anything. The thought that anyone saw him, recognized the metal arm from all the news coverage after they fought in DC, he would rather die than have that. He already knew that he was a bad person (so, so bad. He couldn’t do anything right. He was bad). They didn’t need to tell him. The door was opened again and even more, people came in. 

He couldn’t feel his legs anymore. There were too many people. He couldn’t even see where he was. Too many noises. His entire body was failing him. He clenched his metal hand, the metal plates whirring under the coat. Why had he agreed to this? Because he wanted to go out? Because he wanted to prove he could? Because he was bored? He could feel his hands shaking as he clutched to Steve. Another person bumped into him and grumbled under his breath about people being in his way. The red, white and black retro themed walls seemed to come closer and the ground felt like it was swaying. 

For a brief but absolutely terrifying moment, he had no idea where he was. He had no idea who he was.

“Bucky?” 

Steve - that was Steve and Bucky knew that but he didn’t know who was Steve was. It took him a moment to place the man beside him and that was even more terrifying than forgetting who he was. He couldn’t forget Steve, he was nothing by Steve was his everything. Then he was crying. He was silent, he was always silent as he cried as the Soldier, the noises he made had beaten out of him a long time ago by faceless handlers. But the tears wouldn’t stop as he stood there. He had forgotten who Steve was again. How could he?

And then Steve was gripping his shoulders tighter - he could feel again - and pushing their way to the front. People grumbled, saw who it was, shut up and stepped back. The cashier looked up and her eyes went wide. 

“Do you have a bathroom?”

“We have a staff bathroom,” she replied with her gaze flicking between Steve and Bucky.

“Can we use it?”

She nodded and lifted the counter beside her, letting them in before apologizing to the customer she had been with and taking them out back. “Take as long as you need,” she said opening the door to a small stall like bathroom. They ended up standing opposite each other, the back of Bucky’s knees resting against the toilet and the sink jutted into Steve’s side.

“Bucky? Are you okay?”

“I forgot,” Bucky whispered through his sobs. “I’m sorry.”

Steve cupped Bucky’s cheek and smiled at him. “You’re okay. No need to be sorry. Can you calm down?”

“I forgot!” Bucky yelled shaking his head. He wrapped his arms around himself and started crying harder. “How could I?”

“What did you forget?”

“You. Me. Everything.”

Stroking his thumb under Bucky’s eye, Steve smiled at him again. Inside he felt like he had just been cut open and stitched back together. Bucky had been doing so well, and while Steve hadn’t kid himself into thinking that this would be as easy as Bucky just arriving, he had wanted it to be like that. This was just a stark reminder that Bucky wasn’t going to be fixed after a night of cuddling. “That’s okay,” he said. “It’s okay.”

“How is it okay? I don’t want to forget.”

“You won’t forget,” Steve said with such conviction that Bucky almost believed him. Almost.

A sob bubbled up Bucky’s throat. He didn’t want to forget anything, even the things with Hydra. Having memories that were his and his alone was something he could cherish forever. He loved it and the thought of having his memories taken again made his legs start shaking even harder and his breathing becoming more laboured. 

“I could have hurt you,” Bucky whispered. 

“You didn’t hurt me when you didn’t remember me before, I think we’re safe.”

“Steve, I shot you.”

“Oh well-” Bucky rolled his eyes but he had stopped crying “-it happened. But you’re here now and that’s what matters. Now, we have to get home, how do you want to do it?” Bucky rested his forehead on Steve’s shoulder and shrugged. “We can leave now or later?” Steve asked, Bucky just shrugged again and muttered that Steve could choose. Steve frowned at his words but nodded. They could talk more when they got home. “Okay, let’s go.”

After Bucky had wiped the remaining tears from his face they left the little room. Bucky had his arm wrapped around Steve’s again and his head twisted so it was pressed into Steve’s shoulder more than it normally would. The people in the store stepped back when they walked in, letting them leave as easily as possible, and Steve could already see the tweets that would be sent out.

He cursed allowed when they got to the door and there were already paparazzi surrounding the door. They had their cameras up and recorders out, already shouting questions. Bucky’s face went pale when he saw what was out there. Behind the paparazzi were random people, Steve’s guess was that they were random people who had just been walking by.

“Steve?” Bucky’s voice was hesitant and unsure. 

“Keep your head down, don’t look at them at all, keep holding onto my arm. It’ll be okay,” the two of them pushed open the doors and walked out. The flashing was almost blinding and the questions they were yelling weren’t helping Bucky’s mental state. Steve made sure his head was still down before pushing his way through the crowd. The parted enough that they could walk down the street but didn’t let up. For a moment Steve wished he had his shield so he could block them out.

“Who is this man?” “Why are you with him?” “Witness said he had a panic attack?” “Captain America!” “Are you together?” “Captain Rogers!” “Why did you go to South Korea?” “Can you tell us who this is?” “The people will want to know who this is.” “What really happened in Latvia?” “Rogers!” “Why won’t you make a statement?” “Why didn’t you go to Stark’s party on the weekend?” “Who is this man?” 

The crowd didn’t let up until they arrived at Steve’s building - they followed them the entire way - and they could still hear them once the doors were closed. Steve didn’t stop moving him and Bucky until they were in the elevator. He turned to face his friend, cupping his face and kissing his forehead. 

“Are you okay?”

Bucky nodded once.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said. “That was a disaster.” 

“We didn’t get any bread,” worry and concern was present in Bucky’s voice. Steve kissed his forehead again. He was actually worried that they didn’t get any bread. That was the problem with the situation in his mind. “I’m sorry,” Bucky said as the elevator slid open.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Steve said taking his hand. “You handled it really well, you were good.”

His face lit up at Steve’s words and as much as Steve hated that it made him be so happy to be good, he was glad that Bucky was okay. “What do you want to do for the rest of the afternoon?” He asked opening the door and letting him go ahead. “We can still go shopping if you want to?” Bucky shook his head and walked straight to the living room.

“Can we watch the next Hobbit movie?” 

“Yeah, of course. Can you set it up?” Bucky nodded at his question. “Great, I’ll get us some snacks-” he was still worried about food when it came to Bucky, he never asked for it so Steve could never tell if he was hungry “-the fuzzy blanket is back in the closet.”

“Thank you,” Bucky called walking to get the blanket. “For everything.”

“I already told you not to thank me.”

Bucky shrugged even though Steve couldn’t see him. “I still want to say it.”

“Well, then, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he paused and nodded to himself. Steve said he was good. Steve liked Bucky for Bucky. “That’s how you accept a thank you, just so you know.”

From the kitchen, Steve groaned and Bucky laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter but just as sad!


	10. Chapter 10

Right at the end of the movie, Steve’s phone rang. Bucky jumped again and Steve flinched pressing answer but not putting it to his ear yet. “You okay?” He asked. Bucky had already turned back to the movie so he just nodded and continued watching. “Nat,” Steve put the phone to his ear and walked into the hallway. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Nat mocked. “You’ve been MIA for a week and all you say is ‘hi’.”

“I haven’t been MIA. I’ve been at home and I talked to Sam.”

Nat scoffed, “you’re so stubborn it’s ridiculous. You know that we can help you?”

“We don’t need any help.”

“You-” she paused before continuing. “So when can we meet him?”

“When he wants to meet you.”

“Which will be...?”

Steve peeked into the living room. Bucky hadn’t moved, like at all, and his eyes were trained on the screen. He looked like he was paying attention but the faraway look in his eyes suggested otherwise. “I don’t know Nat,” Steve said once he was back in the hall. “We’re taking it one day at a time right now.”

“Meeting other people could be good,” Nat said after a moment of thinking. “When I went to SHIELD, meeting new people was terrible and I hated it but it was the best thing I could have done. Knowing that I had other people in my life besides Clint really helped. We can help you.”

“He blames himself for everything, he won’t want to meet the people he tried to kill.”

“We don’t blame him, he wasn’t in charge of his own body.”

There was a rustling in the other room and then the sound of pen on paper. Steve smiled to himself, that usually meant he had remembered something and was writing it down. His latest journal was slowly filling up, he only had a few more pages left. The journal was closed and Steve could only hear the movie playing. “When he’s ready to meet you I will tell you, but only when he’s ready. I’m not pushing him to do something, he’s getting the choice.”

“Sounds good. All of us want to meet him probably.”

“Nat, I didn’t want anyone finding out yet.”

“We didn’t tell them anything, Steve. A picture of you two was put online about an hour ago and they recognized him. I didn’t say anything,” Steve was about to freak out. He didn’t want pictures of them online. “Tony’s trying to block all the photos right now.”

“Thank you, Nat, you guys are the best.”

He could picture he rolling her eyes. “I know. Just tell him that I don’t blame him and I know what it’s like to be controlled like that.”

“I will.”

“Call me if you need anything, Steve. Anything at all.”

“Thanks, Nat,” Steve said and she hung up. He sighed and looked at his phone until the screen went dark. Maybe she was right, maybe meeting people would be good for him. But Steve couldn’t fathom the idea of forcing Bucky to do anything, he needed to be able to choose for himself. And if it took a year then so be it. Steve would wait.

He walked back into the living room and sat beside Bucky who paused the movie on the end credits and looked at him, he didn’t look scared or upset. In fact, he looked amused but slightly concerned, “I think my brain’s broken.”

“Why?” Steve asked confusion and amusement in his tone. 

“I remembered something that doesn’t make any sense.”

“What was it?”

“A flying car, we saw a flying car with girls.”

Steve felt dread settle over him. They had seen a flying car at the Stark Expo and then 60 years later Bucky had killed Howard Stark. He didn’t think Bucky had made that connection yet, he didn’t look upset with the memory, and he didn’t know if he should tell Bucky what he was thinking. In the end, he decided it wasn’t worth it, letting Bucky having some nice memories (even if it was just for a little while) was better than ruining the mood. So, he let out a laugh and nodded, “that did happen.”

“Seriously?” He took out his journal and wrote it down. “Why were we with girls?”

“We went out with girls sometimes, they were together like us. We’d pretend to be on a date with a girl each, that way we got to go out without worrying about something happening.”

Bucky nodded, “okay. So my brain isn’t broken. That’s good.”

“Your brain isn’t broken,” Steve agreed. “We just lived a strange life.”

“Why does Natasha want to meet me?” He asked closing his journal and looking up. “I heard the phone call.”

“They don’t blame you for anything.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

Steve frowned, “they know you mean a lot to me. Plus they just want to meet you, it’s normal.”

“Even after I tried to kill them both.” 

“Yes.”

“And you trust them?”

“With my life.”

He was silent for a while, looking down at his hands while folding and unfolding his fingers on his lap. Steve watched him thinking silently, letting him have his time to think things through without worrying about pressure. Finally, he looked back up and nodded. “I’d like to meet them,” his voice was unsure but he looked happy with his decision. If Steve could trust them then he could trust them. The way Steve’s face lit up at Bucky’s words made him even more convinced in his response. He could do this. 

“That’s great! We can do it whenever you want.”

“Today?”

Steve did a double take but nodded. He hadn’t expected it to be so soon but he wasn’t going to say no to Bucky. He pulled out his phone and text both Sam and Nat, they could introduce him to the rest of the Avengers at a later time. Sam text back almost instantly, agreeing to come over for dinner and Nat had responded positively by the time he had messaged Sam back. “They’re excited to meet you.”

Bucky couldn’t remember a time when someone was actually excited to see him. Plenty of people were excited to see the soldier. They would watch him like an animal, study him like an experiment. None of them actually wanted to see him, they wanted to see what Hydra had created. Wanted to see what they had done. He could remember a time he had to show off his skills to a group of men in suits. They had watched him with cold and calculating eyes, it had been terrifying but he remembered he had done well. They had been happy with how he had performed. But Sam and Nat wanted to meet him, after everything he had done, they wanted to meet him. That made him happy.

“What do you want for dinner?” Steve asked. “We could order something or we can cook.”

“I don’t mind.”

“There’s a restaurant that does take out that Sam keeps going on about. We could try that?” Bucky shrugged, paused, and then nodded. Steve text Sam and Nat the plan before turning back to Bucky. He pulled his laptop over to them and opened up one of the shops he knew of. “We need to get you your own clothes.”

~~

Bucky was hiding. He didn’t mean to be hiding, he was already in the bedroom when the front door opened and new voices filtered through the air. He wasn’t hiding, he was just waiting for the right time to leave the bedroom. He didn’t know if there would ever be a good time to leave but he was waiting for it. If that meant he had to stay in the bedroom until they left, so be it. 

Really, in his mind, both Sam and Nat should be trying to kill him. Or at the very least punishing him. He had tried to kill them, he couldn’t get over that but it seemed like they could. They shouldn’t be so willing to meet him, they were though. Bucky stared at the door of his bedroom, they were in the living room now and they were laughing. He didn’t think he should go out there and ruin their moods. He kept thinking that he should let Steve have some fun with his friends.

There was a knock at the door, it was soft like the person was trying really hard to not scare Bucky, and when Steve started talking Bucky guessed that was the case. “Buck? Are you going to come out?”

“Yes?”

“You don’t have to, no one will mind. But they want to meet you.”

“Are they angry?”

“No, they’re not.”

Bucky rested his head on the door and watched the shadow of Steve shift under the door frame. “Promise?” 

“Promise,” Steve replied. Bucky could hear the smile in his voice and it gave him a tiny bit of courage to open the door and step into the hallway. Steve smiled even wider and offered Bucky his hand, which he took instantly. His jumper covered his metal arm but he still stuffed his hand in his pocket - no need to remind everyone how broken he was. Steve smiled down at him and tightened his hold on Bucky’s hand. “If you need to leave or anything,” Steve said as they walked down the hallway, “just do it. Or whisper to me or whatever else you need to do. We all want you to be comfortable.” 

“Thank you.”

Sam and Nat were both standing at the kitchen bench, a plastic bag filled with containers sat in between them and they were both staring straight at Bucky. They didn’t look angry or upset. More like curious, but not the kind of curious the men in suits had been all those years ago. They didn’t look at him like he was an animal. 

“Guys, this is Bucky,” Steve said when they had stopped walking. They were still across the room from them but even being in the same space as other people made him feel twitchy and uncomfortable. “Bucky, this is Sam and Natasha.”

They didn’t move, which made Bucky relieved, but they did smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Bucky,” Sam said. “Off the phone, I mean.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Bucky repeated, not really sure how else to reply. Steve looked happy at the response so he considered a win. 

“It’s a shame we didn’t meet earlier. Steve’s been hogging you,” Nat said.

“I have not been hogging him,” Steve scoffed. “Are you guys hungry?”

Both of them nodded but Steve was looking at Bucky. He shrugged, sure he was hungry but it was hardly enough to warrant worrying about. He could go longer without food. In fact, he had eaten more in the week since Steve got home than he normally would during an entire mission. Food was always a luxury - even if it wasn’t nice like it was now - but in Steve’s apartment, he was allowed it whenever he wanted. Steve pursed his lips at his noncommittal response so he nodded, “yes.”

Light returned to Steve’s eyes at Bucky’s confirmation, “let’s eat then.”

The food was dished up and taken to the table where Bucky sat beside Steve, opposite Sam and Nat. Bucky stared at his food for a moment before eating. Steve was good. That was something that was as sure as anything in his mind. Steve was good and kind and loving. He was the most selfless man Bucky had ever meet, and every time he thought he couldn't get any better he did something like this. He put his night on hold instantly to let Bucky meet his friends. He brought Bucky food, something that never happened, he let Bucky stay in his jumpers and not talk when he didn’t want to. 

When Bucky left his thoughts he picked up his fork and tried the pasta Steve had chosen for him Nat talked to him. “How are you settling in?” 

“Well.”

“That’s good, Steve helping you?”

“Steve’s great,” Bucky said and really that wasn’t enough but he wasn’t going to get into that.

She smiled. “Are you happy in DC? You were in Brooklyn before this, right?”

“I like it here,” Bucky said. He didn’t know how she knew where he had lived beforehand, he had only told Steve and Steve wouldn’t have told her. But she was a spy, maybe she had tracked him down. The thought of people being able to find him made him feel sick. He didn’t want to go back to Hydra, he didn’t want Hydra knowing where he was. 

“DC’s better than New York anyway,” Sam said. 

“Hardly,” Steve scoffed. “New York’s always been better than DC.”

“And that’s why you’re still here, right?”

“It’s cheaper than Brooklyn.”

Nat rolled her eyes and looked at Bucky as Sam and Steve continued to argue. “You must freaking out, I know what it’s like to come out of brainwashing. If you need any help, you can come to me.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said as her phone dinged. She raised her hand and mouthed ‘sorry’ before scrolling and frowning. Whatever was on her phone wasn’t a good thing and she kept flicking her gaze to Steve and Bucky. She started typing, drawing the attention of Sam and Steve, who were now watching her with a confused look like Bucky. She sighed and put her phone away. “They figured out who Bucky is, the photos from this morning were leaked.”

Steve sighed and lent back in his chair. “What are they saying?”

“They connected Bucky to the pictures taken during the-” she hesitated “-highway fight. A lot of questions. I’d say they figure out who the Winter Soldier is with the files I leaked by eight tonight.” 

Bucky felt himself go pale. This wasn’t good. This was really, really bad. If the public knew what he did - well, he didn’t know how he would react. They were going to find out so he was going to find out eventually. He would be punished for what he did - he deserved it - but Steve could be held accountable for helping him, which wasn’t okay. He didn’t want Steve to be punished, ever. 

Steve moved so his hand was resting on Bucky’s shoulder, “don’t worry, Buck, we can sort this out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think this is sad... wait to see what happens soon :(((((


	11. Chapter 11

The news was on. Bucky had put it on - after a very mild panic attack at the thought of choosing what was on - and they were all sitting around waiting for the story. They didn’t have to wait long, it was the first thing covered. A picture of Bucky from the highway and then the picture from the bakery flashed onto the screen, the lady started talking in her monotone voice. “Pictures taken today show Captain Rogers going to breakfast with The Winter Soldier, the man that tried to stop Captain Rogers from taking down Hydra. Witnesses said that the two men walked into the bakery and after a few minutes Captain Rogers was taking the Winter Soldier to the staff bathroom because of a panic attack. They then left, when this photo was taken.”

Another photo flashed onto the screen of them outside and walking down the street, Steve had his arm Bucky who had his head tucked into Steve’s shoulder. 

“Because of the files released a month ago by ex-SHIELD agent and Avenger Natasha Romanoff people have figured out the connection. The Winter Soldier is James Buchanan Barnes, who most people will know as Captain Roger’s best friend from before world war two and the only Howling Commando to die during the war. This has lead to confusion throughout America as you can clearly tell that this man is not nearly a hundred years old,” she paused and touched her ear. After a moment she smiled politely at the camera and continued, “we’ll be back with more information after the wheater.” 

“You okay?” Steve asked, muting the screen.

“Yes.”

No. No, he wasn’t okay. He didn’t want the public to know who he was, secrecy was beaten into him for decades and the idea that he had let himself be caught on camera sent waves of fear through him. He shouldn’t have done what he had done, he shouldn’t have gone to Steve’s or stayed or gone to the bakery or had the panic attack. Everything he was doing was so, totally, wrong. He wasn’t being a good soldier or even a good person. All he was doing was bringing pain to Steve.

“It’s okay,” Steve said. “They were going to find out, at least this way we can control it a little.”

“How?”

“Explain what happened to you before they can assume. People are scrambling to find out what happened, we can tell them and they’ll believe it. Don’t worry.”

Bucky looked down. ‘Don’t worry’ was a direct order, he couldn’t miss that, but he still couldn’t calm himself down enough to not be worrying. No matter how Steve spun it this was a bad thing and it was his fault. Not worrying was something he couldn’t do.

“It’s not your fault,” Nat said. 

“I did it.”

“You had no control over your actions,” Sam disagreed. “You didn’t know what you were doing.”

He shrugged, “I did. I knew that I was killing people, I knew I was torturing them. I knew Hydra wasn’t nice and I knew something was wrong. I did know that. I just wasn't strong enough to do anything about it.”

“Anyone would have done the same thing,” Nat replied. “Anyone would do as they were told so that they weren’t punished.”

“And after decades, it would become your normal. Hydra used you as a weapon, you don’t blame the weapon when someone fires it.”

“But you do control the weapons.”

“You are,” Steve said. “You left Hydra and took back the control you had lost.”

Bucky was about to counter Steve when the lady came back on and the TV was unmuted. “I apologize for the delay. More information was just revealed. As we know James Barnes was declared dead after falling from a train in Europe in 1945. The fall would have killed a man but James had been kidnapped two years prior, by Hydra’s Zola, and was injected with the same type of serum that created Captain America. The serum was not completed so it did not have the same effect but this does make the Winter Soldier an enhanced being. After James had fallen from the train he was captured by Russian soldiers and given back to Zola who created the metal arm he has. For the next seventy years he was held captive, brainwashed, tortured and forced to become a soldier for Hydra and whoever else wanted him.

After Project Insight two months ago he escaped from Hydra, leaving Captain Rogers on the side of the river. No one knew where he went after that but there was a reported sighting in Delaware two weeks after Project Insight. He has recently come back to Captain Rogers in DC as they were together today, people are currently trying to find out how long they have been back together in DC and what is going to happen next. Already there has been an outcry, we’re about to go to Mark Wish who’s live on the streets of DC.”

The scene shifted to a man with dark hair and glasses standing on a road Bucky didn’t know, a microphone in his hands. “Thank you, Sarah. There’s been a mixed reaction to the news here, almost everyone I’ve talked to have had a different opinion,” the camera zoomed out to show a couple standing beside him. “What are your thoughts on the Winter Soldier.” 

“I don’t want to form an opinion before we know everything,” the women said. “I mean, right now it’s all guesswork, right?” 

“If he was brainwashed stuff, then I don’t blame him. I guess we just have to see,” the man said. 

Again it shifted and Mark was standing beside a younger girl, no older than twenty. “I feel bad for him. He’s a prisoner of war.”

Next, it was three men standing beside Mark and all of them were scowling. “Nah, I don’t like it. If he did it he did it,” one of the men said. “Brainwashing can’t do that to a person. He was giving out the orders and shit on the highway a few months ago, that doesn’t scream victim.”

“We all learned about their relationship in school. What do you think of Captain Rogers bringing him into his apartment?” Mark asked. 

“Cap probably just let him cause their homos and-” Steve turned to TV off. 

Bucky leaned back on the sofa and looked up at the roof. Steve pushed himself closer and wrapped his arm around the back of Bucky. “It wasn’t as bad as it could have been,” Nat said after a few moments of silence. 

“She’s right,” Sam said. “The majority of the people thought he was innocent.”

“It doesn’t matter what the people said,” Steve replied in a clipped tone. “They’re never going to fully understand what Hydra is or what they do. They’re going to form their own opinion and it doesn’t affect us in any way.”

“Okay,” Sam said. “I get it.”

Nat’s phone beeped again, interrupting the conversation. She read the message and frowned. “Stark wants to see you,” she said to Steve. “Wants to talk about what to do now.”

“Stark?” Bucky asked before Steve could reply. 

Steve went pale and Nat’s eyes widened. Steve breathed in before nodding, he didn’t know how to explain to someone that they had killed a person. He didn’t know if he should even tell Bucky, he had enough on his plate, but if he was going to meet Tony he needed to know what he had done all those years ago. Tony already knew it was going to come up, so he did need to know. But Steve really didn’t want to tell him, he had hoped Bucky would remember it before this came up. “Remember the Stark Expo? The flying car?” Bucky nodded. “It’s his son, Tony Stark. He’s a friend.”

“There was something else,” Bucky muttered. “Howard Stark. He helped Erskine, didn’t he?”

“He did.”

Bucky looked down and Steve flinched, both Sam and Nat were watching with heavily guarded expressions. All three of them were anxious to see what would happen. “December 16th, 1991. Target plus one witness eliminated. Case and contents acquired. Successful mission,” he sounded like a machine. He was completely emotionless as he spoke. All three winced at the mission report. “I killed him.”

It was a question but Steve nodded. 

“I killed him and his wife. They were in a car and I made it crash. He called me by my name,” he spoke slowly as if he was remembering it as he went. “He said my name and then I was put in the chair because I remembered the flying car. He called me Sergeant Barnes. Why did I kill him?” Before they could answer he continued. “There was a case with - with a type of serum like ours. It wasn’t good. He had made it but someone else wanted it. The wanted to make more super soldiers,” he paused and wiped at his eyes (weapons don’t have emotions). “They weren’t good. They told me they weren’t as good as me. I shot them all.”

“Buck?” Steve asked softly. “Are you okay?”

“I killed so many people. I didn’t mean to - I just did.”

“We know.”

“Does Tony Stark know?” Steve nodded again. “And he wants to help me?” All three of them nodded. Bucky looked at the black screen of the TV. Why anyone would want to help him after what he did, he had no idea. Especially a child of someone he had eliminated. 

Nat spoke up, “he wants us to go over now.”

“To New York?” Sam asked.

“He said he’ll send a jet.”

“Okay,” Steve said nodding. “We should do it. Bucky, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to but I think you should.”

Bucky didn’t know if he should go or not but Steve thought it was a good idea and he trusted Steve more than he trusted himself. So, he nodded even if he was unsure. Steve smiled and Bucky thought he had made the right choice.

~~

The last time Bucky had been on a plane was in DC when he fought Steve. Bucky had decided he didn’t like anything that hovered above the ground. From the moment he stepped on board he had not liked it, but Steve was there and holding his hand as tightly as he could so he could - he would - manage. 

Or maybe the nerves were because he was about to meet the other Avengers. 

Clint Barton was one of the Avengers, he had seen him on the TV when he was watching news from the century. He had been the one who flew the jet to DC and picked them up, Bucky didn’t really know what to expect from the man. What he ended with was a handshake and Clint telling him he was welcome on his farm (Bucky didn’t know what a farm was) anytime. Then he and Nat had gone to the cockpit and Bucky hadn’t heard from them since.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said lowly when they were in the air. 

“Why?”

“This was supposed to be a good day and everything’s gone wrong.” 

“That’s not your fault.”

Steve shrugged, “I know. I still feel responsible for it.”

“You told me that I shouldn’t apologize for things that aren’t my fault,” Bucky replied. 

“I did,” Steve chuckled quietly. “Guess I should take my own advice, huh?”

Bucky leaned his head on Steve’s shoulder. “You’ve been great.”

“Thanks, Buck. You’re great as well.”

“All I do is panic and get confused.”

“If that’s all you do then you’re better than great,” Steve said softly. Sam pretended to gag from beside them. Steve rolled his eyes but froze when Bucky tensed beside him. He usually only did that when he was scared that he was going to get punished, Steve rubbed his hand up his arm and smiled down at him. After a moment Bucky relaxed again but Steve continued rubbing his arm anyway. He knew this would be stressful for Bucky and wanted to give all the support he could. 

Sam stood from his seat and walked over to one of the windows. “A few more minutes,” he called back. “How are you doing, Bucky?”

“I’m okay.”

“It’s okay to have negative emotions,” Sam replied. “I know it can be hard to have them, but their natural and it’s good to share what you’re feeling.” 

“I don’t want -” he cut himself off.

“Buck?” Steve prompted. 

Bucky folded his fingers together on his lap before shrugging. “I don’t want Tony to hate me. I didn’t want to kill anyone. I just wanted to be good.”

“It’s okay, Tony understands,” Steve said.

“He can’t be okay with it,” Bucky disagreed softly. “I killed his parents.”

From the cockpit Clint spoke, “he is. I know it’s hard to believe but he is. We saw some footage of you at Hydra before you escaped. We all saw how you didn’t have a choice, you don’t have to worry about him.”

“What footage?” Bucky asked, not liking the idea of anyone seeing what he had gone through. Especially not Steve. 

“Uh, a clip of you in the 90’s being beaten up by these 5 buff people and then you being electrocuted or something,” Clint said. “Plus the footage from the camera with Tony’ parents.” 

“They were the other super soldiers,” Bucky explained looking down. “They were bad.”

“Landing now,” Nat interrupted. “And don’t worry Buck. Everyone here just wants the best for you.”

The jet was landed - thank god, Bucky was really starting to hate it - and they all started filling out. Bucky was hesitant to step out, he knew that there were more people standing on the landing deck. Waiting for him. Steve took his hand and smiled, “you okay?” Bucky nodded but didn’t move. “You can stay in here if -” he shook his head, interrupting Steve. He took and deep breath and started walking out, not letting go of Steve’s hand. 

There was a group of people standing there. Bucky knew them all from the TV, he tightened his grip on Steve as he took them in. Bruce Banner, he could turn into a green monster and Rhodey, he was another iron man type were standing behind everyone else. Then there was Sam, Nat, and Clint who Bucky already knew and they were smiling at him. Thor, he was a god, was also there, standing beside a red robot and a girl in a red coat. Bucky had seen them but didn’t know who they were. Then there was Tony Stark who Bucky was staring at.

“Capiscle,” Tony said stepping forward. “Long time no see.”

“It’s been a week.”

Tony waved him off. “And you must be Bucky?”

“Yes.”

“Not one to get sarcasm, okay, shall we?”

Steve smiled at Bucky, “he’s a bit strange. You get used to it,” the two of them followed behind everyone as they all walked into the tower. Just as a news helicopter started hovering overhead and as the lower levels had their security cut off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a few more chapters to go!! The real pain is about to start :))))


	12. Chapter 12

Everyone was sitting around a table beside the living room. Steve was talking but Bucky couldn’t hear anything, everything sounded like a low hum to him right now. The news was playing, muted, on a screen beside the table and Bucky was doing everything in his power to ignore it. Steve told him not to so he wasn’t going to. A glass of milk, courtesy of Tony, sat untouched in front of him, he wasn’t thirsty. In fact, he thought that if he did drink he would probably end up sick in the bathroom. 

Today really hadn’t been a good day.

The girl in the red coat - Wanda, another ex-Hydra agent with special powers, Bucky had found out - spoke up. Steve seemed to agree with her. He didn’t smile but he did nod, turning to look at the news behind Bucky. Whatever was on it made Steve frown even harder. If he didn’t stop frowning he would get wrinkles was all Bucky could think as he watched his friend. Nat said something and Sam nodded, adding something while Tony typed onto his StarkPad. 

All this for him.

He didn’t think he deserved it. 

What had he done in his life aside from mess up? Aside from being bad? Steve would say that he had been good before Hydra took him. He would say that Bucky never had a choice and did the best he could. That he did deserve it no matter what others thought. Steve didn’t know everything Bucky had done though, most of it wasn’t on the files. Bucky was the only one alive who knew what happened during some of the missions (even if he had a lot of trouble remembering it) and he hadn’t been good. 

Since then he hadn’t done anything either. All he had done was be a complete burden on Steve, a man he didn’t even really know. Steve probably put up with him out of a guilty conscious. He had heard Steve yelling in his sleep, he knew Steve blamed himself for Bucky falling off the train. Bucky couldn’t even fathom the idea of Steve still liking Bucky, still loving Bucky. For the last seventy years, he had worked and fought (willingly, unwillingly, it didn’t matter at all to Bucky. He had done it) for the people Steve had died trying to stop.

So no, he didn’t think he deserved it. He never would.

“We should release the statement as soon as possible,” Steve said. Bucky refocused himself onto the conversation, deciding he needed to listen to the people talking about him. Steve looked away from the TV and to Bucky, smiling reassuringly. Bucky didn’t deserve the reassurance either - he knew that. “Say what happened in the simplest terms possible and say more will be answered later.”

“It can be done in a few hours if you want,” Tony said. “We need to write it right. Answer the big questions but leave the details out for now.”

Details, Bucky tilted his head. He didn’t even know the details of his life. He knew a few things, but in total, he had no idea. He couldn’t even remember when his birthday was or what street he had lived on. The details would have to wait because they would have to find them out. He was useless in all this.

“You alright Buck?” Steve asked. Everyone turned to look at him which wasn’t something he wanted. He nodded anyway. He wasn’t alright, he wasn’t bad though either. He couldn’t really feel anything, which was normal for him anyway. 

“Don’t worry, Bucky, it’ll be okay,” Sam said. “We can sort this all out.”

Breaking, Bucky turned around and looked at the screen. He could imagine the disappointed look on Steve’s face but he needed to see what was happening. He had to. It was just two people sitting at a desk talking, subtitles across the bottom of the screen. His name was in all capitals at the top of the screen and an old black and white picture of him in Cryo (how had they gotten that? Bucky had asked himself) was in the corner. “...it’s not like he went to Hydra of his own free will,” the women said.

“But he stayed,” the man replied. 

“If what’s been said so far is true, he didn’t have a choice.”

“There’s always a choice.”

Steve placed his hand on Bucky’s shoulder. “Don’t listen to them,” he said once Bucky had turned back around. He could feel tears in his eyes but refused to let them fall (weapons don’t have emotions). Bucky didn’t want to embarrass Steve in front of his friends. It was bad enough they had to deal with this. They didn’t need him crying as well. “They don’t know anything.”

“I did want to stay,” Bucky whispered. “I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to.”

“I know, Buck, and it’s okay.”

Tony cleared his throat, causing Bucky to jump. He still didn’t understand why Tony was okay to be in the same room as him, let alone why he was helping him. Tony sent Bucky a small apologetic look and spoke “look. We should act fast, less likely to be rumours if we say something. We have Twitter at our disposal here, let’s use it.”

“You think tweeting is the best option?” Nat asked.

“It gives us some time to get a proper statement out there,” Tony defended. 

“What do you think?” Steve asked Bucky.

Shrugging, Bucky muttered, “what’s Twitter?”

“Ah, basically, you can send out short messages to everyone who has it,” Steve explained. 

“Look,” Clint pointed to the screen. A long white rectangle had appeared on the screen. “That’s a tweet.”

‘Who cares about why he stayed? He stayed’ was displayed on the screen. The box changed to ‘Brainwashing is super complicated, maybe we should wait to see what happened before jumping on him?’ Another one, ‘I trust the Avengers enough to wait a few hours’ then a reply to that ‘I don’t, why would I? They’re probs just going to lie to us again so Cap doesn’t have to deal with losing him again’. ‘He’s hardly a victim’ ‘can’t wait to see how Cap justifies this’ ‘Anyone who supported Hydra should be held accountable. This dude included’ ‘Is he a threat? A brainwashed super soldier? Doesn't sound good for the public!’ 

Pulling out his phone, Steve sighed. “What should I say?”

“Something about the people not knowing everything, but like nicely,” Nat said. “Tell them we’ll tell them everything soon.”

“Tell them he’s not a threat,” Rhodey interjected. 

“Keep it formal but still personal,” Sam said.

“And that you have our support,” Bruce replied.

After a few minutes of typing and retyping Steve cleared his throat. “A lot of news is being spread right now. I can say that Bucky isn’t a threat to anyone, never willing worked for Hydra and has the full support of myself and the Avengers. We will be sharing more information when we can,” he paused. “How does it sound?”

“Sound’s good,” Nat said. 

Steve nodded and sent it out. He looked over at Bucky again and put a fake smile on his face. “Don’t worry, Buck. We got this.”

Tears sprang into Bucky’s eyes again. He didn’t deserve this. The people on Twitter had the right idea. He had been selfish and had gotten others hurt in the process. Bucky rubbed at his eyes. He wouldn’t let the tears flow, he had been selfish enough recently. No need to add crying to the list. The others were all staring at him, he could feel their gazes on him as he tried to calm himself down. Steve started speaking (at him? He didn’t know) he couldn’t make out the words. He wanted to scream. 

This wasn’t fair.

Why had this happened? Why couldn’t he control himself long enough to listen to Steve? He couldn’t do anything right. This only proved him right. More people were talking now. It just added to the chaos. He had no idea who was saying what. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder. He reached up with his metal arm and grabbed the wrist, about to twist it, he remembered who touched him like that and dropped the wrist like it was burning. He had hurt Steve.

Pushing his chair back he stood, Steve, mirroring his action, everyone else stood as well but backed out of the are. Bucky wanted to yell. He wanted to scream. He didn’t want to be there anymore. He didn’t want to hurt anyone. He never wanted to hurt Steve. Everything was just going so, so, wrong. 

This time when Steve touched him he saw it coming. Steve slipped his hand into Bucky’s and pulled him out the room. Everyone else watched them go silently. They walked to an elevator, Steve said ‘roof’ and they were on the move. Bucky couldn’t bring himself to talk as they went up. 

He was being taken to be punished. It was the only logical answer. It was the right thing to do, he had hurt Steve again. Hurting a handler was the worst thing he could do. He wasn’t good anymore. He never was.

Once they were out of the elevator Steve led them to the side, overlooking the city of New York. This was a nice place to have his punishment, Bucky decided. Breathing in, Bucky whispered out, “what’s my punishment?”

Steve shook his head, “you’re not being punished, Bucky.”

“I hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

“I meant to.”

“You were scared.”

Bucky didn’t turn from his view. Life was so confusing now. At least at Hydra he had rules, everything made sense for him. Sure, it was hell (he knew that know) but he knew how to be good (he wasn’t very good at it but still) and he knew what would happen if he was bad. 

But, at the same time, he liked his new life. It was confusing and he didn’t like having no rules but he like Steve. He liked choosing things, even if it made him anxious, he liked it now, he didn’t want to give that up. He didn’t want to give up Steve. He didn’t remember much about his old life but if it was anything life what he had now it would have been great. Steve was great. And maybe, just maybe, he would get better and be able to fix some things, repair a little of the damage that he had created.

“Can I ask a question?”

“Always,” Steve nodded. 

“Do you still love me?”

Steve smiled at Bucky, it wasn’t forced this time. It was full of warmth and happiness, no trace of the usual sadness when he looked at his friend. “I never stopped loving you, Buck.”

Bucky stared out at the lights of the city. He had been here a few weeks ago, hiding from Hydra, but he had never seen it from this height. It was beautiful. Nothing like the Brooklyn he grew up in but still amazing nonetheless. 

“Do you want to go back inside?” Steve asked. 

“Can I have a moment alone?”

“Sure,” Steve patted his back. Very hesitantly Bucky lent up and pressed a kiss to Steve’s cheek. The smile on Steve’s face made the anxious thoughts worth it. “You’re making me want to kiss you,” Steve muttered. Bucky smiled and Steve took it as a yes, leaning down to kiss Bucky’s temple. “I’ll see you inside. Just tell the elevator to come back to us.”

As the elevator closed Bucky turned back to the lights. “That was beautiful,” a voice from behind Bucky said. He spun around, ready for a fight. A man Bucky didn’t know stepped out from behind a service box with a notebook in his hand, Bucky knew the notebook but couldn’t place it. “Easy, soldier. I’m not here to hurt you.”

“I’m not a soldier anymore.”

“That’s what I’m here to change. Vnimaniye Soldat.”

He wanted to ignore the order but he couldn’t. It was still in him, all the brainwashing and crap Hydra had put in him was still there. So he stood to attention, trying to figure out how to get out of the situation. 

“Ostanovit' soldata. Ne dvigaytes',” The Russian translated into his brain instantly. ‘Freeze soldier. Don't move.’ He wanted to move, he wanted to scream but he couldn’t. He had been given an order and he couldn’t disobey that. “Longing…”

~~

“How is he?” Sam asked when Steve walked in. 

“He’ll be okay,” Steve replied sitting down. “Have there been any developments with the news?”

“Your tweet was featured, a lot of people have replied. Very mixed results,” Clint said. “Uh, they pulled some old mission files of his and showed them. People were pretty angry about that. Some because of the death but others for bringing them up, said it was in bad taste.”

Sighing, Steve pinched the bridge of his nose. At least he had his friends on his side. 

“Where is he?” Nat asked. 

“Taking a moment.”

Tony’s StarkPad beeped, he picked it up and frowned at the screen. He clicked a few buttons and frowned deeper. FRIDAY started speaking, “the security system on the roof is down, boss.”

Steve was up in a flash and sprinting to the elevator, everyone on his heels. FRIDAY had already opened it and was ready for them. For Steve, it was the slowest elevator ride he had ever been on. All he could think about was Bucky, he had just gotten him back. He couldn’t lose him again, he would rather die.

When the elevator doors opened they all stilled, Bucky was standing exactly where Steve had left him. Overlooking the lights. 

“Bucky?” Steve called out. He didn’t turn around so Steve tried again. 

“He won’t answer to that,” a man said stepping out of the shadows, he held his hands up when Nat pointed her gun at him. “I mean no harm. He was programmed to be more machine than person, you don’t give a computer a name.”

“Who are you?” Steve bit out. Why hadn’t Bucky moved? 

“One of the many heads of-” he didn’t finish because Nat shot him in the shoulder. He swore loudly and dropped a piece of paper. Tony and Sam both moved into action, pushing Steve behind them when they saw his face drifting to the ground. No way Bucky could win a fight against all of them, but they need to be prepared anyway.

The man smiled at them, clutching at his shoulder. “He won’t hurt you, Captain.”

Steve pushed forwards and grabbed his shoulder, the one with the new wound. “Who are you and what do you want?”

“I’m just doing what I was told to do, like a good little soldata.”

Bucky turned around, everyone tensed. He looked blank, there was no emotion in his eyes as he stared at the man Steve was holding. “Vnimaniye Soldat,” he said. Bucky straightened his back and snapped his eyes to Steve, staring blankly. Nat whispered a translation to everyone as Steve whipped his eyes from the Hydra agent to Bucky. 

“What did you do?” Steve asked, he had a guess but he hoped with everything he had that he was wrong. 

The agent broke one of his teeth off, Steve let him do it. He could stop him, but why would he? Biting on the pill he muttered “Hail Hydra.”

“Steve?” Sam called as Steve dropped the body on the ground.

“Shit!” Steve yelled, pulling his hand through his hair, tugging on the ends. Bucky still hadn’t moved, he hadn't even fidgeted, his gaze still empty. “Buck?” He didn’t move, didn’t even look like he had registered that he was being spoken to. “Soldier?” This time, this time he nodded once, not meeting Steve’s eyes. Steve felt like he was about to pass out. 

He had just gotten him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :))))))) 
> 
> Was it what you were expecting?? Only more pain to go...


	13. Chapter 13

The roof was dead silent. 

“Bucky?” Steve asked again, this time he got a movement. Bucky frowned ever so slightly, but he didn’t look like he remembered anything. He looked like he was scared, and Steve couldn’t blame him. “Do you know who I am?” Steve asked. 

“Moy obrabotchik.”

“My Handler,” Nat translated from behind. 

“So he programmed Bucky to think that Steve is his handler,” Sam said, “and that we’re Hydra?”

Natasha shook her head, “I doubt it matters who we are. He’s been programmed to be Steve’s charge. Steve, ask him who we are.”

“Who are they,” Steve asked gesturing to the group behind them. 

“Sam Wilson, Bruce Banner, Tony Stark, Natalia Romanova, Clint Barton, Thor, Wanda Maximoff, The Vision.”

Everyone looked slightly uncomfortable as Bucky listed off their names in a robotic order, they knew it wasn’t his fault, but it was still creepy. “And who are you?” Steve asked he knew he was pushing his luck. If Bucky was programmed to be the asset again then he didn’t think of himself as anyone. Bucky didn’t answer, he just looked confused upset and scared at the question. Steve shook his head, “it doesn’t matter.”

“Let’s go inside,” Bruce said. “At least it’s warm in there.” 

One by one everyone turned and headed to the elevator, but Bucky. He stayed as still as a statue, watching everyone else move, watching Steve. “Come on Buck,” Steve said. He didn’t move. Steve frowned, wasn’t he programmed to follow every order? 

“I don’t think he knows that’s his name,” Sam called back. “Who the hell is Bucky and all that.”

“I’m not calling him soldier.”

“Uh,” Nat hesitated before nodding. “Soldat, vashe kodovoye imya teper' Baki. Ponimayu?” At this Bucky nodded once and then turned back to Steve. He and Sam both looked at Natasha expently. “Soldier, your code name is now Bucky. Understand?” She repeated in English, “I thought it might work.”

Steve looked back at Bucky and called his name out again, Bucky nodded once again, his face remaining as emotionless as ever. Everyone else had already gone into the elevator and were now watching them. “Bucky, we’re going inside now.”

He didn’t make any indication that he heard Steve other than walking towards him. His face stayed exactly the same. It broke Steve’s heart to see him like this, this is what he had gone through, how he had been, for seven decades. And he had been alone, alone with people that would happily hurt him. He didn’t deserve any of it, and he had only just gotten out of it before it was taken away again. Steve wanted to punch something, make a hole in the wall beside him, but thought best of it when Bucky didn’t take his eyes off Steve. No point in scaring him even more. 

The elevator ride was probably the most awkward one he had ever been on - including the time everyone in the elevator had tried to kill him. No one spoke and everyone kept flickering their gazes to Bucky for just a moment. They were scared, and Steve couldn’t blame them, Bucky was programmed to hate them. But if he thought Steve was his handler then he wouldn’t try and fight them. Right? But Steve saw Nat’s hand resting by her gun, Thor holding Mjolnir tighter than normal and Tony ready to call his suits. 

They were all silent until they were back around the conference table. Bucky stood beside Steve until he told him to sit, which he did instantly. The news was still on but had changed, covering a dodgy politician and a new tax plan. Bucky sat with his back as straight as possible in the chair, his head never moving but his gaze looking over the room, hesitating on the doors and windows. Just like he had done when he had first arrived at Steve’s house.

“What now?” Sam asked, breaking the silence. 

“How did you deprogram him last time?” Nat asked, “on the helicarrier.”

“We had a think we’d say to each other before the war. I said that.”

“Try that,” Tony said. “May as well.”

Steve turned to Bucky - embarrassment flaring up at the idea of everyone watching him - Bucky didn’t move until Steve said his name. He turned and looked at Steve, tilting his head silently and nodding. “Bucky? I’m with you to the end of the line,” he said softly, just so they could hear. For an amazing moment, Bucky looked at Steve like he knew him. It was as if the veil was lifted from his eyes and his mind cleared. He looked like he remembered. Then his eyes went back to the dull gaze he had before and Steve felt himself deflate. 

“Don’t worry,” Bruce said. “At least it was something. Hopefully, we can get through to him other ways.”

“Hopefully,” Steve echoed watching as Bucky restarted looking around the room. Seve rubbed his hand down his face, the movement causing Bucky to look at him for a moment, and he sighed. “Does anyone know any other techniques to get rid of brainwashing?” he let out a dark chuckle. “The floors open.”

“It’ll be okay,” Sam said. “We can figure it out, he’s broken away before he can do it again.”

“People don’t just stay brainwashed if there’s no one there to do the brainwashing,” Clint added, gazing subtly at Natasha. “It’ll be slow but we can help him.”

Steve felt dirty talking about him when he was right there. He didn’t like it but he needed to talk to his friends about this and he couldn’t put Bucky in a different room or anything like that. As much as it sucked, this would have to do. It also seemed like Bucky had no idea they were even talking about him, Steve didn’t know if that made it any better.

“How’d the security get hacked?” Natasha asked after a moment of silence.

Tony sighed, “they isolated the areas that the Hydra agent would be in. It makes it a lot easier to get into the system. Whoever did was smart, very very smart. Probably more than one person.”

“It wasn’t the guy from the roof,” Sam said. “He didn’t strike me as the genius type.” 

“I thought Hydra was gone,” Thor replied. 

Wanda shook her head, “there were always faction groups. He’s probably from a subset of Hydra that wasn’t affected by what happened,” she paused. “There are many believers, more than you’d imagine.”

“Did you know about-” Steve paused, not wanting to bring Bucky into the conversation, “him while you were there? Or did you hear about him?”

“No. No one even mentioned him.”

“So we’ve got a faction of true believers, who are most likely high up because they know about him and how to trigger him,” Steve summed up. “Who don’t want us dead but wanted to trigger him so that, what?”

There was another uneasy silence around the table. “Perhaps to make it harder for us to take down the rest of Hydra?” Vision interjected. “If we’re dealing with this we won’t put as much effort into them?”

“That would make sense,” Clint said. 

“It’s only made it worse,” Nat said. “I think you’re right but it’s not worked. Steve’s just going to be even angrier.”

“But they’ve given themselves time,” Thor replied.

Tony nodded, “give themselves a few weeks to put themselves back together and get out of the fire line.”

Bucky had stopped looking around the room and was now staring straight ahead, his gaze blank. Steve thought he looked like a doll. He couldn’t help but think of a time when he would call every call around them ‘doll’ and they would practically melt. To bad Bucky only ever wanted to take Steve home. He had called Steve doll a few times, and just like those girls, he would be like putty in Bucky’s hands. He longed for those days again, longed for the Brooklyn he remembered. When life was easy and Bucky called him doll as they cuddled in their bed after mind-blowing sex.

“Great. Well, I’m going to take them done anyway,” Steve muttered. 

“And we’ll be right there,” Sam replied.

“You can stay here until he’s better,” Tony said. “You still have your room.”

Smiling a strained smile Steve nodded. “Thanks, Tony.”

“That goes for you two as well,” he pointed at Sam and Nat. 

They both smiled and nodded in thanks as well. Steve looked over Bucky and stood, motioning for Bucky to follow. He did without question or hesitation, Steve felt a lot more tired suddenly. “We’ll go up the bed now, see you guys in the morning.”

A chorus of goodnights followed as Steve and Bucky walked to the elevator. “Roger’s floor,” Steve instructed. “Bucky, do you know where we are?”

“No.”

“It’s the Avengers tower, we’re going to stay here for a bit. You and I can share my room, is that okay?”

He didn’t respond. Steve cursed at himself. Of course, he didn’t answer. How could he when he wasn’t allowed to have opinions? Opinions were most likely beaten out of him a long time ago. The rage Steve felt for Hydra got even stronger as he thought about what the man beside him had gone through. 

“You can have my bed,” Steve continued. “We can fix all this in the morning,” the elevator doors opened and they stepped out. Bucky looked confused again, it seemed to be the emotion he had, at what Steve had said. He couldn’t think of why Bucky would be confused at his words but he also assumed Bucky would have plenty of triggers. 

Bucky followed Steve into the small kitchenette Steve had. It wasn’t a full kitchen but it was perfectly serviceable and they had the communal kitchen only a few floors away. Praying it was stocked, Steve sighed in relief as he opened the cabinets. He pulled out the can of hot chocolate and two mugs, he had given Bucky hot chocolate the first day they were together after he came back and he was hoping that it would remind him of something - of anything at all. He made them as quickly as he could in silence, Bucky standing beside the door at attention the entire time. “You can sit on the chair,” Steve said pointing at the armchair in the sitting area. He wanted Bucky to have the choice, he wanted to hear Bucky telling Steve not to tell him what to do - like before the war - he wanted him to be happy. But the way he robotically walked to the armchair and sat down made it ever so clear that it was going to be a long time before that happened. 

Steve followed with the two cups of hot chocolate, placing them on the side table between the two chairs. “Kakova moya missiya?” Bucky asked suddenly. His voice was clear and precise but Steve had no idea what he was saying. 

Swallowing the disgust at giving an order he said: “from now on, all communication is in English.”

“What is my mission?” Bucky said just as easily. It made Steve uncomfortable at the ease in his tone, he didn’t think of himself as a person and Steve knew that already, but still. His whole life had revolved around missions and doing as he was told. His eyebrows pulled together when Steve didn’t answer and Steve shook the thought out of his head. 

“Assimilation into society.”

“Assimilation into society?” Bucky repeated. “Explanation?” He flinched like he was about to be hit as he said it and Steve had to bring his hot chocolate mug to his lips to calm himself down. 

“Hydra gave you to us,” Steve said slowly. May as well let him know they weren’t Hydra, he didn’t think it would do anything to soothe him but it was worth a shot. “And we want you to be more convincing-” he hesitated, he was usually good with words but right now he had no idea what to say. “Person,” he settled on. Flinching himself as he said it. “Your mission is to be a person. With us.”

Bucky nodded once, looking at his lap.

“Starting now, are you tired?”

No answer.

“A person can answer that question,” Steve continued kind of wanted to run away. He felt like such an ass, he didn’t want this but he couldn’t think of another way. 

“Yes?” The way he said it sounded like a question but Steve nodded, standing. He had answered it, he had done that and Steve felt better for it. 

“Come,” Steve said. Bucky stood instantly. “The bedroom is just down here, let’s get you ready.”

The two of them walked down the hallway, Bucky a step behind Steve, leaving two cups sitting in the living room. One empty and one full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took a while????
> 
> But it's here!


	14. Chapter 14

Steve woke up before the sun had risen, he blinked up at the ceiling in confusion for a moment - why was he at Tony’s and why was he in the living room? Before the night before came crashing back to him and he remembered everything that happened. Steve groaned and threw his hands over his face, this wasn’t good. A tiny part of him hoped that Bucky would wake up and be back to normal, or as normal as he was before, but he knew that wasn’t going to happen and didn’t want to get his hopes up. 

It had taken so long to get Bucky to the point where he felt he could speak and it was all gone because of one nameless Hydra agent. Steve had to stop himself from going back up to the roof just to kick the body, it would have been pointless anyway, Tony would have had him moved by now. Plus senseless violence wouldn’t do anything - maybe make him feel better but still. 

When the sun came up Steve sat up, pushing the blanket off him and swinging his legs down so he was sitting normally. There was no noise coming from Bucky’s room but that didn’t mean anything, Bucky could be silent when he wanted to. But Steve assumed that Bucky would be waking up soon, he never slept in, so he went and started on breakfast. He knew that food was usually just tasteless cereal with Hydra, it was gross but had everything he needed, so Steve made eggs and bacon on toast. 

By the time he was pulling down plates Bucky appeared in the hallway door, standing to attention and staring at Steve without moving. He was fully dressed in his outfit from yesterday and looked like he had been awake for awhile, he was completely alert. Mission ready, Steve thought sourly. 

“Sit down, Bucky,” Steve said softly when Bucky didn’t move from the doorway. He moved silently by sat down as Steve had told him to do. Steve had thought long and hard about how to deal with this while he lay awake. He didn’t want to be a handler, he didn’t want Bucky’s servitude. But, life didn’t care what he wanted. So, he needed to do what he needed to do and if that turned out being a handler and having to tell Bucky what to do in order to keep Bucky safe (until they could figure out how to help him) then he would do it. 

“I made us breakfast,” Steve continued. He pushed a plate in front of Bucky and sat beside him at the kitchen bench with his own plate. Bucky didn’t move to eat it, he just stared straight ahead, so Steve told him to eat as well. They ate in silence, it wasn’t like Bucky could carry out a conversation at the moment. 

As Steve was clearing the plates away, there was knock on the door and Tony walked in, flanked by Nat and Sam. “Morning,” Steve greeted. 

“Hey,” Tony replied handing Steve a StarkPad. “I was able to get the location of the group who crashed my security.”

“Where?”

“Middle of the Atlantic ocean.”

“Great,” Steve muttered. The map on his lap was just a green dot on a screen of blue. “Do you know where they are?”

He shook his head, “but I’ve placed a tracker on the signal. Next time they use it I’ll be able to find their location.”

“Do you know who they are?”

“Yeah,” Nat said. “They’re just agents who weren’t affected by the fall. I got a facial ID from the agent on the roof and got his known assailants, most are dead or in prison but there are a few out there. I think the guys on the boat are the same people. If any of them surface anywhere it’ll set off an alert so we can get them.” 

“Thanks,” Steve said. “Both of you.”

“I’m flying back to Washington,” Sam said. “I can go to yours and get you both some of your stuff. We thought we should all stay here until this is - fixed.”

Smiling at him, Steve nodded. “That’d be amazing. Thank you.”

Nat turned her attention to Bucky, “how are you?” He didn’t reply. He didn’t even to seem to register she was talking to him. She took it in her stride though, “Bucky. Did you sleep well?”

“Yes,” Bucky replied after a moment of hesitation. His gaze flicked to Steve’s who nodded and smiled. Bucky didn’t relax but he didn’t look as scared. Steve hated how Bucky looked for him for approval, it made him feel sick to his stomach. But, just like giving orders, if it made Bucky feel better then it was worth it.

“That’s good,” she said. 

Bucky didn’t reply to that, he looked at her for a moment before turning back to looking straight ahead with an emotionless face. But if you looked carefully enough, which is what Steve was doing, you could see the confusion in his eyes - confusion and a hint of recognition. He couldn’t be sure that was the emotion, but still, the sight made Steve so much happier.

“What do you want from your house?” Sam asked, drawing Steve’s attention back to his guests and not the man sitting beside him. 

“Some clothes, for both of us, it’s all in my room. Uh, there’s a box of sketchbooks on bookcase and Bucky’s backpack is under the sofa, those would be good,” Bucky tilted his head when Steve said his name. Looking off into the distance which Steve hoped meant he at least somewhat remembered his backpack and his journals. 

“Clothes, box, bag, got it.”

“We’ll leave you two alone,” Tony said. “If you need anything, call out.”

Steve nodded, “bye guys,” he said. The meaning of Tony’s parting words not lost on him, and it confirmed that they were worried about how Bucky would act. Steve didn’t know whether to feel thankful that they cared about him or annoyed they trusted Bucky that little. After a moment he realized it was stupid to be annoyed, of course, they couldn’t trust him and he was being selfish and ignorant by not looking at the situation logically. It wasn’t Bucky they didn’t trust, just what was in his mind.

When everyone was gone Steve stood from the bench and collected the dishes, taking them to the sink to wash them. Sure, they had a dishwasher but washing dishes was basically a form of therapy for him at his point. Bucky watched with a mild sense of curiosity from the bench, Steve couldn’t help notice that he had not moved since he had sat down. Also, that he looked very uncomfortable just sitting there. Steve could relate to that, missions and fighting could take his mind away from everything after he crashed the Valkyrie all those years ago. It would make sense that Bucky felt that as well, even to a bigger extent, since he had been made to be completely mission oriented. 

For a moment Steve debated what to do, he could give him a ‘mission’ and tell him what to do or he could let him stay where he was. Both outcomes had pros and cons, Steve was lost, he wanted to know how to handle the situation but he just didn’t. 

Finally, he decided. “Can you answer my question like a human?” It seemed like such a dick thing to say to Steve, but he said it and couldn’t take it back.

“Yes,” Bucky replied. Of course, he could, it was his mission to be human so he had to answer like a human. Right?

“Would you like to help me?”

He didn’t move for a moment, his mind going over what he had been asked. He wasn’t supposed to like things, his mind was always fuzzy, but he knew that he hadn’t liked things in a long time, if ever. It wasn’t his place, he was a machine for his handlers to use. But, his handler had told him that his mission was to be a human, and humans liked things. This could be a test, if it was he couldn’t figure out what it was. Also, he was asked if he wanted to help, which he did because that was how he was designed. He was designed to help his handlers, who the blonde man - he had been called Steve by the others - was. So, he nodded. 

His handler looked pleased with his reaction so he assumed he had answered right. His handler motioned for him to go to him, which he did as quickly as he could, and was handed a small towel. 

“Here,” Steve handed Bucky a washed plate. “Can you dry it for me?”

“Yes.”

They worked in silence, cleaning up the small kitchen. Steve watched as Bucky dried each plate to perfection, making sure it was fully dry and there were no bubbles or soap left on it, before placing in on the clean bench for Steve to put away. 

“Thank you,” Steve said once it was done and they were sitting in the living area. “You were very helpful,” he continued pulling out his StarkPad. All the information Tony and Nat had gathered had been sent over to him and he planned on reading it all as soon as he could. 

It took a moment of thinking before Bucky knew how to respond, he had never been thanked for something. He was a weapon and you don’t thank a weapon when they do their job. But in a long forgotten part of his brain, he knew what to say, he knew how a human would respond. “You’re welcome.” 

It was a good thing that Steve had thanked him, it meant he had done a good job. A good enough job to be thanked for it - even if he didn’t see the value in drying ceramic dishes and metal pans. But he had been asked to and he had said yes because being good was what he was supposed to do and he was thanked which meant he had done a good job. He felt his mind grow hazy again, too much thinking always did that to him. Unless it was mission important it didn’t matter to him. 

Steve handed him another StarkPad, “you have another mission, it’s a submission to help with being a human. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” he nodded once. More missions meant more chances to prove to his new handler that he was good. To prove that he could do anything he was needed for. Even they were strange missions like drying dishes. 

“Good, on this tablet is a book that I want you to read. It’s called the Hobbit-” the tale-tale sign of recognition in Bucky’s eyes made Steve feel much better with what he was doing. “I would like you to read it at your own pace. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“Here, you scroll like this,” Steve said scrolling to the first page. “Understand?”

“Yes,” Bucky said taking the StarkPad. He didn’t relax into the sofa like he had done before all this, but he looked content with reading. Steve watched him for a moment before he went back to his own tablet. 

They would be okay, Steve would do anything in his power to make sure they were okay again. Bucky deserved nothing but a happy life that was free of brainwashing and mind control, which is what Steve was going to give him. He scrolled the names of men that could be on the boat since he had gotten it one man had been sighted in Belgium and had been captured by the authorities, he was either a dead end or he could tell them what they needed to know. Steve prayed it was the latter. As soon as they could find the men who did this to Bucky the sooner they could get his mind back to being his. 

There were other methods as well, Bucky had broken out of the mind control once before, Steve believed he could do it again. Sam would bring his journals and the sketchbooks, hopefully, they could help, jog his memory or something like that. They would be here by nightfall. Steve looked at the location of the ship again, it was smart to do it off a boat, they could have gone in any direction, could be anywhere by now. 

“Bucky,” Steve said breaking the silence. “What do you remember?” 

“Nothing, sir,” and the way Bucky’s face lit up showed Steve how far away he was from his Bucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm thinking I may add another chapter before the ending... just so we get some more pain before I go! What do you think??


	15. Chapter 15

Steve really, really, wanted to work out. Punching a boxing bag until it burst was basically therapy for him at this point in his life. Moving and not having to think was always great, and Steve was almost positive that the bag would take the Hydra agents face as he hit it as hard he possibly could. The idea of going to Tony’s gym was extremely appealing. But, it wasn’t like he could leave Bucky right now and he didn’t think watching Steve hit something much harder than any of his previous handlers ever could wouldn’t be great. So he resigned himself to cleaning his already spotless apartment.

From the sofa, he could feel Bucky’s occasional stare but by the time he would look at him, he would be back to reading on the tablet. Since he was handed it, nearly four hours ago, he had relaxed slightly. He wasn’t leaning back on the sofa or anything, but he didn’t look on edge anymore and he wasn’t sitting to attention.

After the beds were re-made to military standard and the kitchen cleaned all over again Steve went back and sat down opposite Bucky. He didn’t look up when Steve sat down, he just kept reading. “Are you hungry?”

Bucky’s head snapped up, confusion and curiosity on his face. He looked at Steve like he was trying to solve a puzzle. Apparently, he came to a conclusion after a moment because he shook his head, all emotion draining from his face. “No.”

As he was about to respond, there was a knock on the door and Sam walked in. “Hey,” he said dropping everything he was carrying by the door. “I got everything you asked for.”

“That was fast,” Steve replied standing. “You’re usually so slow.”

Sam let out a bark of a fake laugh before and sent Steve a dirty look. “Ha. Clothes for the both of you, a box of sketchbooks; however many are in there, that thing was heavy. And one backpack from under the sofa.”

“Thank you,” Steve said. “It means a lot.”

“Well, we all want this to be fixed and I’m sure this can help.”

“Hopefully.”

Sam stepped further into the room and smiled at Bucky, who had looked up a few moments ago. “Hey, Bucky. How are you?”

“I’m good,” Bucky replied automatically. “You?” He looked at Steve, that was how a person would respond to that, right? Steve looked pleased with how Bucky had handled it, and he felt something warm grow in his chest. It wasn’t like the normal pleasure he got when he was praised by a handler, this was something new. Something that was much, much, nicer. It was something Bucky wanted again.

“Can’t complain. I brought you your things, do you know what I mean?” Sam replied, pulling Bucky out of his own mind. It took Bucky a moment, and another look to Steve for confirmation, before he shook his head. “That’s fine,” Sam continued. “I have some more clothes for you since we’re staying here for a bit. Plus some of Steve’s old sketchbooks and your backpack.”

Bucky didn’t know what a backpack was, or what sketchbooks were, but they sounded familiar. Like he had seen them before. The man, Sam Wilson, said the backpack was his so maybe he had. Maybe they were from another mission. If they were important to this mission shouldn’t he have remembered them? The man that had programmed him to follow Steve hadn’t told him about a backpack or about sketchbooks. Bucky hated the feeling of not knowing, he didn’t want Steve or Sam or anyone else to think that he couldn’t complete his mission because he could. He just needed to be told what to do and he would do it perfectly.

He was pulled out of his worrying by Steve handing him a black bag with straps, this must be the backpack. It was a study material, and the colour would hide stains that could worry the public. He could see why this was the bag chosen to carry what he needed. Bucky couldn’t remember ever having a backpack on a mission, usually, people would just hand him the things he needed when he needed. Bucky placed the bag on his lap and looked back at Steve, who was frowning slightly.

More worried thoughts filled Bucky’s mind. Steve was angry, most likely at him, was it because he didn’t know how to use the bag in front of him? Was he supposed to say thank you, is that what a person would do?

This mission was so hard. So unfair. Bucky didn’t know how to be a person, he had no idea how to respond to a handler in a way that a person was. He didn’t know because he wasn’t supposed to know because he wasn’t a person. He was a weapon. And weapons aren’t people. They don’t have feelings or emotions or nice food or comfortable beds or books. He was a tool. A machine that his handlers could use how they wanted. It would be so much easier if they just told him how to behave instead of vague instructions that he couldn’t understand.

“You can open the bag,” Steve said softly. He wasn’t frowning anymore and was sitting on the table in front of Bucky. That didn’t sound like an order but he took it as one anyway. The bag had a black, leather-bound notebook with a dark ribbon tied around it. It was eerily familiar, he was almost sure he had used it in a previous mission. He pulled it out and just stared down at the cover. There was a small blood stain in the left-hand corner, the pages weren’t damaged but the leather was. “You got cut and some blood got on the book,” Steve said when he saw what Bucky was staring at.

“Do you recognize the book?” Sam asked, his tone was casual but Bucky knew that look, his handlers always had that look. He was waiting for the answer to decide on which punishment best suited.

Bucky didn’t want to get punished, he truly didn’t, but he couldn’t lie. Steve was such a good handler to him, he didn’t want to lie to him. Lying always resulted in more trouble and, sometimes, trouble for his handlers. He couldn’t get Steve in trouble.

“Yes.”

Steve smiled, “good. Do you know where it’s from?”

“It’s mine,” Bucky said carefully. He didn’t own things, he didn’t need to. But they had said it was his backpack and that would mean the things inside were his. Plus he had gotten blood on it if he got blood on his handlers things they would get new versions that weren’t damaged. He didn’t have that privilege. He didn’t want to get the answer wrong and get punished for assuming that this was his, however, and hoped that was the answer they wanted.

“Yes,” Steve said happily which meant Bucky could breathe again. “It is yours, so you can open it and read everything you wrote down.”

The first page had only two things written on it.

_ James Buchanan Barnes - Bucky  _ and _  Steven Grant Rogers - Steve (Captain America) _

He flipped to the next page, the handwriting was messy as if the person who wrote it was hurrying. Trying to get the thoughts out before they went away. Bucky didn’t know why but he knew that feeling. He knew the writing was his but he had no recollection of writing it. The rest of the journal was a collection of sentences that didn’t really connect with each other. A few small pictures were sketched crudely here and there, in the margins and in the corners of pages. Some of the sentences had a little star drawn beside it.

_ Hydra isn’t good. Hydra took me from my family. Away from Steve. They made me kill people. I shouldn’t kill. They made me but I did it. Steve saved me from that. Steve knew before Hydra did. Hydra wanted me to fight Steve. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I failed the mission because of Steve. I failed because of me. Hydra wants me back. They will punish me. I have to leave. I have to run. I can’t go back to my life before Hydra - it’s gone. Steve’s not gone. _

Bucky frowned at the page, he had failed a mission? He looked up at Steve, his handler, was this the Steve he talked about in the pages? And even more disturbing, he had called Hydra bad. Suggested that they had taken him from his family (he didn’t have a family) and away from Steve - who he had known a long time ago. His mind usually felt like was filled with nails, scratching away at his brain every time he thought too hard. But right now it actually  _ hurt _  to think. These were things weren’t supposed to be thought. Hydra wasn’t bad - He was. The first thing he had written was that Hydra was bad. That was deserving of punishment, but he had gone onto say his missions were bad as well. He needed to be corrected as soon as possible.

The next page was no better. It was full of _  lies. _

_ I meet Steve when we were children. We lived in Brooklyn. We were close. He would get into fights all the time. He wouldn’t win very often. Steve Rogers was my friend. I had a sister as well. Rebecca Barnes. She died in 1991. I was awake when it happened. I was in Siberia. She thought I was dead _ _. They all thought I was dead. I went to war with Steve. I fell off a train (robot?) and then was taken by Hydra. My name is in a museum with Steve. They call me a hero. Hydra called me their ideal'nyy malen'kiy soldat. It means perfect little soldier. I was a soldier but now I am a person. _

Bucky dropped the book onto his lap and looked up to his handler in shook. Why had he been given this? Why would think this was appropriate? This book was full of lies and bad thoughts that he shouldn’t have. He was not a person, even if it was his mission to pretend. He wasn’t one really. To think he had written that made him feel sick in the stomach. Why had he written these things, he couldn’t even think of writing these things. About his handlers of all people. This book would get him, and maybe Steve, in such trouble.

“Buck? Are you okay?”

That was his handler - he couldn’t ignore his handler. He nodded, it was a lie but he couldn’t tell the truth this time. They didn’t need to worry about him, even if he felt sick.

“You can tell the truth.”

He froze, he was trained to never give away anything. If his handler could tell that he was lying it meant he was even more broken than he thought he was. He needed to be corrected and fixed so that he could be Hydra’s and Steve’s  _ ideal'nyy malen'kiy soldat _  again.

“Bucky?” Steve sent a concerned look to Sam who looked just as worried. Bucky looked absolutely terrified. “Can you look at me please?” Bucky snapped his gaze to Steve’s who had to keep in a wince at the tears in Steve’s eyes. “What’s upset you?” He asked as calmly and as evenly as he could.

“I’m broken.”

His voice was so small, it broke Steve’s heart. He sounded so scared but so sure of himself, so sure that he was broken. “What do you mean?” Steve asked, trying to sound self-assured and not like he hated himself, which was the truth. “What about you is broken?”

“Everything,” he handed the book back to Steve, who took it with a frown. “I lied in this book and I am bad.”

“You’re not bad,” Steve disagreed. “You’re not bad,” he said again quietly.

“I need punishment and correction,” Bucky said evenly.

Steve stood abruptly, Bucky didn’t flinch. He knew what was going to happen and it was for the best. He was going to be in pain and it wasn’t going to be nice but in the end, he would be a good soldier again. Not just a good soldier, an  _ ideal'nyy malen'kiy soldat _ . He could deal with the pain that was coming to him.

What Bucky was not expecting was for Steve, and Sam, to stalk out of the room. Perhaps they were getting something to use for the punishments. Even though he knew he needed it, Bucky hoped that Steve wasn’t an extremely harsh handler. He seemed very nice - giving Bucky a nice bed and warm food and a fun book. But, he corrected himself, the punishment needed to bad because he had been bad. He had been so bad.

In the bedroom, Steve was pacing while Sam leaned against the closed door. “You scared him,” Sam said. “When you left.”

“I know,” Steve snapped before rubbing his hand over his face. “Sorry. I’m sorry, you’re being nothing but helpful and I am-”

“Under a lot of pressure,” Sam finished. “It’s fine.”

“I just couldn’t stay in there and not get angry, which I can’t do.”

“He asked for correction before, right? When you called me?”

Nodding, Steve sat on the edge of the bed. “He had pushed me, locked himself in a wardrobe and was having a panic attack.”

“Did he ever tell you what it was?”

“Not exactly, but I figured it out. A lot of mind wiping, that chair we found in the bank. They would electrocute him until he didn’t know who he was anymore. Sometimes they would use these words, he wrote them in the back of his journal, and they would trigger his ‘winter soldier’ mode. That’s probably how he was triggered on the roof.”

“So he wants us to electrocute him so that-”

“He can be good. It was all he wanted when he first came, he just wanted to be good in my eyes. He would do anything to get that approval.”

Sam winced, “makes sense that they would program him to want to perform perfectly, makes it easier to control him.”

“They didn’t have to control him towards the end, he would do anything they said. He didn’t think he was a person, he was a machine for them to use and he just wanted me to tell him he was good. Told me I was good as well.”

“Maybe you should tell him he’s good now. He thinks that he’s being bad.”

“I thought it would help,” Steve muttered placing his head in his hands. “I thought he would see what he had remembered before and it would remind him again.”

“It’s only been a day,” Sam said. “It took him a month before he came to you last time and that was after he had broken out of some of the holds they had on him. I know you want him back to normal now, we all do, but it’s going to take time.”

Steve nodded, “I know. I do know that.”

“I’ll leave you two alone. Just be there for him, that’s all you can do. Maybe tell him a few stories of something you did before the war, but don’t say your names. Let him fill that in.”

“Will that work?” Steve asked as they walked out.

“No idea,” Sam shrugged. “It could.”

Bucky was exactly where they had left him, sitting on the edge of the sofa and slightly hunched in on himself. His hands were shaking and his eyes misty. Steve felt even worse about leaving him but he couldn’t have gotten angry in front of him, that would be worse than leaving him for a moment. Sam patted him on the back and left through the door. Steve sat down on the table in front of Bucky again, wanting to take his shaking hands in his own but not letting himself.

“I’m not going to punish you, or give you correction,” Steve said.

“But I need it.”

“You don’t,” Steve shook his head. Bucky looked like he wanted to argue, but he wouldn’t, so Steve continued. “I told you that you’re human, and humans don’t need to be punished or corrected.”

“I’m not really human,” Bucky said softly. “It’s a mission, and I don’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Why would I get in trouble?”

“Because I was bad. This book is bad.”

Steve looked at his hands and winced. Even in this mindsight, Bucky was looking out for him, was this something he would do for all his handlers or just for Steve? He wanted desperately to think it was the latter. Looking back up, Steve smiled as reassuring as he could. “Hydra didn’t loan you to us. Hydra was taken down by me and Sam and Nat, and you,” Bucky looked like he was about to cry but Steve needed to continue. “Everything in that book is true, you and I were best friends before the war-” he left out that they were in a relationship, Bucky didn’t need that on his mind yet, “-and Hydra stole you. They made you do bad things but you got out because you’re stronger and braver and better than Hydra ever was.”

Bucky stood up and strood away from Steve, looking out the window. Steve prayed to everything out there that he was remembering.

“I stopped Project Insight and started to break down your programming. You continued, living here in New York until you came to live with me in DC. You broke free of Hydra and I am so proud of you that you did. We came to New York yesterday to talk to Tony Stark and the other Avengers, a Hydra agent said your trigger words and told you that I’m your handler. I’m not, I’m just a friend. You-”

“Stop.”

Stopping his sentence, he watched as Bucky turned around, tears streaming down his face and his hands were clutched at his side.

“Please stop.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Please stop telling me lies. I don’t want to hear them. It’s unfair.”

“They’re not lies,” Steve said.

He shook his head, “please just give me correction. I don’t like my head.”

“Bucky, please listen to me.”

“No! It hurts now and I don’t like it.”

“I want-”

“Please! I want correction and I want to go to sleep.”

“You can go to bed-”

“No! I want to go to sleep!”

Steve had to think for a moment, “cryo?” He asked. “You want to go to cryo?”

“Why don’t you understand, you’re not a good handler!” His hands flew to his mouth as he gasped. “I didn’t - you’re not-” he cut himself off and dropped to his knees, resting on his heels, staring at the floor and crying. Steve stood slowly and walked over to him, Bucky didn’t move, he sat down beside him and crossed his legs. “You’re the best handler I’ve ever had,” Bucky muttered. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Bucky, it’s okay.”

“It’s not.”

“I promise,” Steve said. “I promise that we’re going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may be adding more chapters simply because I love writing this!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm, sorry Tony/Rhodey ~ You don't come across great in this...

“Get in get out,” Steve commanded. He peered off the jet and into the boat below. He would give anything to be back with Bucky in New York but they had gotten a signal on the Hydra agents who started this and he needed to be here. They were hovering over the boat now, waiting for the right time to go down and take over. He took a deep breath, he’d be back with Bucky and hopefully reprogramming him. A magic word that deprogrammed him completely would be amazing right now. 

Tony nodded at them, the signal to go, and they all went down. Tony carried Nat down while Sam carried Steve. 

The boat only had fifteen people on board, spread out all over the place, so they were easy to take down. Within ten minutes the four of them plus one of the younger men from the boat who was handcuffed to the table in the control room. Tony was standing beside a computer, typing quickly, while Natasha watched over his shoulder. Sam was standing beside the door, watching the man on the floor. Steve was the last one in, scowling at the man when he came in. “What do you know about the winter soldier?” He asked as soon as he was in the room, he wanted to get out of here soon and he needed the information before he could leave. He wasn’t going to play around. 

“That he was Hydra’s greatest asset until he malfunctioned-”

“Human’s can’t malfunction,” Nat interrupted with hard eyes. 

He shrugged as best he could. “He messed up Project Insight and went rogue. We were told to reactive him and make you his handler so that Hydra could do something. I don’t know what. Don’t ask. William was sent to New York to say the trigger words and make you his handler,” he nodded to Steve. “We guessed he died when he never came back.”

“How do you deprogram him?” Steve asked. He didn’t really care about the backstory - he cared about how to fix it. 

“You can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Steve argued. “There’s got to be away.”

“There isn’t. Why would Hydra make it so he can be deprogrammed?” 

Steve groaned and walked away, leaving the room. Sam followed him, leaving Nat and Tony to get more information. “You good?” He asked, walking up to Steve who was leaning on the railing. 

“No. I was hoping for an easy way out,” he shrugged. “I built up this false hope in my mind that I would be able to go back to Bucky and say a magic word to get him back.”

“There’s never going to be an easy way.”

“I know.”

“Even if you were able to deprogram him, he would still have everything he was forced to do weighing on him. There’s no easy option for him.”

The boat launched slightly, a wave coming over the side and lightly dousing Steve. He just sighed. They were off the coast of Portugal, land just visible if you squinted. They were lucky they found them so quickly, they were going to try and get back to Russia when they docked. There was another boat headed towards them, Steve couldn’t tell if it was coming to them or was just a random boat. He let it go for the moment, sighing before speaking. “What am I going to do?”

“Take every punch and punch back,” Sam replied easily. “It’s the only thing you can do aside from asking Tony for a time machine or something like that.”

“That sounds great,” Steve muttered. 

“When you first released Bucky was - well - Bucky, how did you feel?” 

“I was the happiest I had been since the 40’s for a second and then I was confused. Then upset and confused at the same time.” 

Sam nodded, “you were happy though. Remember that happiness when you feel down, it’ll help you get through it all. Plus, you love him, right? Use that as well.”

“How do you always have the words to make it feel better?”

“A whole lot of practice.”

Tony walked out, followed by Nat. “He wasn’t going to tell us anything else,” she said. “And we got everything from the computers.” 

“That boat is heading towards us,” Steve said. He had decided that it was coming to them, and it was probably Hydra. “We should go.”

“Let’s go then,” Tony said while his suit’s face came down. “I’m sure you want to be back with your boy toy.”

“He’s not my boy toy,” Steve replied.

“That makes you his boy toy,” Tony said. Steve was going to reply but he was already on his way to the jet, Nat tucked under his arm. He cursed Tony out and grabbed onto Sam’s waist and letting him fly them both to the jet. Tony had disappeared into the cockpit, nat grinned at them when they landed in the open back. 

The way back was quiet. Sam had fallen asleep, propped up against one of the chairs, almost as soon as the back doors were closed. Tony was flying them home and had been on the phone to Pepper for the last two hours and Nat was at the computer on board, going through Hydra files. Steve was staring at the phone. He had given one to Bucky, telling him that if someone called it was him and he could answer it. Steve had tried not to phrase it as an order but the way Bucky had nodded made him unsure of how he had taken it. Now he didn’t know if he should call. He desperately wanted to check in but he didn’t know if he could push boundaries. 

Finally, after a few hours of internal debate, Steve rang the number. Bucky answered it after six rings, not like Steve was counting or anything, and said “hello,” in the smallest voice Steve had ever heard.

“Hi, Bucky. How are you?”

“Well,” Bucky replied instantly. Steve frowned, he wasn’t going to get a straight answer since Bucky didn’t complain. “How are you?”

“I’m good, we’re on our way back. I just thought I’d call to see if you were okay.”

“I am okay. I have taken care of your apartment while you were away.”

Steve smiled, he sounded so sweet over the phone. It made Steve’s heart swell with adoration and pain. “Thank you, Bucky. I’m glad you were looking after it,” he sighed lowly, not wanting to talk about this. “I need to ask you a question, do you know a William Goldfinch? He’s a Hydra agent.”

“Yes,” Bucky said after a moment. “I know the name.”

“So you don’t know who he is?”

“No?” 

“That’s okay,” Steve said quickly. Reassuring Bucky when he heard the unease and tension in his voice over the phone. He should have waited to ask this, he should have made it a face-to-face conversation instead of over the phone. “What have you been doing the last few days?” As he spoke, Steve was remained of the time he had left for a mission when Bucky first got back. It seemed like years ago when in reality only a few days had passed. 

There was another moment of silence, “I finished my sub-mission. A lady gave me food. Her name was Pepper Potts.”

“Did you eat the food?”

“Yes.”

“Did you enjoy the book? The, uh, sub-mission.”

“Yes,” his voice was quiet again. Steve flinched and wanted to pinch himself. Asking for Bucky’s opinion wasn’t a good idea seeing as how he was terrified of giving his truthful thoughts on any subject. 

From the cockpit, Tony called out they would be arriving in New York in ten minutes. “Bucky, I’m going to be back in ten minutes. I’ll talk to you then, okay?”

“Okay.”

“See you soon,” Steve said shutting off the phone. He stood up and went over to Tony in the cockpit, “thanks for sending Pepper with the food. I didn’t think we’d be that long.”

He shrugged, “she offered.”

“What info did you get out of the kid?” Steve asked sitting in the co-pilot seat and spinning to watch Tony. Looking out the window on planes still made him a little uneasy. And he really didn’t want to have a minor panic attack right now, he had more pressing matters to attend to than his failing mental health. “Anything good?”

“Yeah, sort of. Nat was able to get a few things out of him that will help with the information I found on their computers. I just found the first few documents, the less hidden stuff. She’s going through the more encrypted stuff now, it’s all double or triple locked which, hopefully, means it’s important and useful. What we did figure is there’s a group of Hydra working off boats across the world, trying to reinstate Hydra back to what it was like in the 40’s. Before you really. Reactivating Bucky was meant to stop you from looking and spilt us apart, they hoped I’d side against you, not help them but to hinder you.”

Steve shuffled in his seat, the fact that Bucky had killed Tony’s parents was always present in his mind. He knew Tony didn’t blame Bucky for it, he blamed Hydra, but it was still a big thing. Steve didn’t know how having the man - the machine - who was responsible for the actual act in his house would affect Tony. It’s why he didn’t tell them about Bucky right away when they fought him in DC. He only told them the very, very, basics almost three weeks later. 

“It’s fine Steve, I don’t blame Bucky. Hell, one look at him and you can tell he had no choice in what happened. Plus, knowing how Hydra wants me to react makes me want to react the opposite way.”

“Thank you, Tony,” Steve said sincerely. “For everything.” 

“You’re welcome, now go strap in. We’re about to land.”

~~

Everyone was sitting around the table in the tower again. Even Thor was there, telling Steve he would stay while Bucky needed help. They were all there sitting silently as the files uploaded onto the screen. Steve was sitting at the head and Bucky was on a sofa to his left, not quite in the circle but enough to be included. Nat was talking to Clint by the screen in a hushed whisper and Tony was on his StarkPad. Sam’s gaze had settled on Steve, monitoring one of his best friends. Wanda was drumming her fingers onto the table, which was what Bucky was watching with an intense gaze. 

Steve was staring out of the window, looking out over New York. It had changed so much since he went under. There weren’t as many lights, it was always so bright now. The temperatures were much more extreme as well, you were either melting or freezing. His asthma could be triggered by either extreme - Bucky had coached him through many, many attacks. He let a small smile slip onto his face as he remembered one asthma attack that happened at the worst possible time. 

The middle of sex.

Bucky had howled with laughter for hours after Steve had calmed down, Steve had been surprised that their neighbors hadn’t come and knocked on their door. He longed for days like that again, he’d even take back the asthma if it meant he and Bucky could go back before the war. It had been something he dreamed - during the day and night - about since he was woken up. He’d take Bucky and he’s run. No war, no super soldier experiment, no Zola, no train. No Hydra. 

“Okay,” Nat said when the screen lit up. “We managed to get a lot of intel from the ship, they had top-level security within Hydra and had classified files on their hard drive. Once they were cracked we were able to get plenty of new and oh-so-exciting information.”

“When Hydra fell,” Tony started and Bucky flinched, “a few groups scattered. We knew that already. We guessed they were the die-hard believer kind of people, which is correct. They want Hydra to control everyone and they would use him-” he pointed at Bucky who sat up straighter and looked so damn pleased that Steve bit back a sob “-to do it.”

“We know the approximate location of a few of their boats,” Nat continued. “So we can go after them and take down what remains of Hydra.” 

A map showed up the screen showing six green blinking lights. “If we take down these ones,” Tony said pointing at two lights. “The other ones will be easy to deal with.”

“So what are we waiting for?” Rhodey asked. “Taking down Hydra sounds good to me.”

“We can’t just go in guns blazing,” Sam replied. 

“We need a plan,” Rhodey agreed. “What’s the plan?”

Tony looked from Steve to Bucky and back again, causing Steve to frown internally. “This isn’t going to be easy. These six boats are just the beginning. It’s an all hands on deck situation,” he said. Everyone nodded, aside from Bucky, they were all happy to finish this fight. They all had their own reasons to but that didn’t matter, what mattered was they fought. Tony looked at Rhodey and sighed. “All hands on deck.”

Steve shook his head.

“Look, cap, we can’t lose our most valuable player,” Tony said. “I know it sucks-”

“He isn’t a player in this, Tony, the answers no.”

“Steve, he knows things that can be helpful,” Rhodey replied. 

“I’m not making him fight.”

Rhodey sighed, “the people are afraid of him. So is the government, Steve, they don’t know what to do with him but they’re going to do something. Something I doubt you’ll like. Showing him fighting against Hydra is going to help him more than anything. If he hangs back while we fight he’ll be labeled a Hydra ally and prosecuted.”

“If he wanted to,” Steve said slowly, “I wouldn’t mind. But he can’t say yes, he doesn’t have that freedom and I’m not ordering him to fight.”

“The people may turn on you,” Vision interjected. Sam rolled his eyes. “They will see your refusal to use every man as a weakness.”

“The people won’t turn on him for not forcing a prisoner of war to fight,” Clint said.

“They won’t see it like that,” Rhodey replied quickly. “Everyone is worried about what’s happening right now. You don’t want the military on your doorstep.”

Wanda shook her head, “we can do this ourselves.”

“This isn’t about getting the job done. It’s the aftermath, we’re preventing any negative fallout from happening,” Tony replied. “It’s-”

“Since when do you care about the aftermath?” Nat interrupted. 

Steve checked out of the conversation. They kept going, the fighting getting louder as they went back and forth. Thor and Bruce even got involved. Steve was watching Bucky instead of paying attention. It didn’t matter what they were saying, he had the final say until Bucky was deprogrammed and he had made up his mind instantly. But, right now Bucky looked more pale than normal and his eyes were darting between the people talking. Steve didn’t know if he knew what was happening but he didn’t look pleased, or maybe he was scared. It was so hard to read him and Steve hated it. 

He had always been able to read Bucky, they spent every moment they possibly could together, of course, he could. But Bucky had been trained to not show anything on his face - or, more likely trained to not have emotion at all. He had gotten so good that even Steve couldn’t read him. His mind drifted back to the fantasy of taking Bucky and running before the war even started. They could have moved somewhere private, somewhere they didn’t have to worry about people finding out about them and much they loved each other. 

That was all Steve wanted and instead, he got this. Life must have really hated him. 

“Steve,” Rhodey said, bringing him back to the present. “He wouldn’t even have to fight as much-” his phone beeped and he trailed off. 

“Bucky can’t choose to fight like this,” Sam said with a drawn-out sigh. “So he can’t fight. He’s had his freedom taken enough, maybe we shouldn't’ do it as well.” 

“We’re the good guys,” Vision replied. 

“He doesn’t know that,” Wanda said. “He can’t know that.”

Rhodey looked up from his phone while Nat looked down at hers. “Steve, I really think it’s a good idea. From a government standpoint, it’s the path with the least pain in the long run.”

“Until he can’t trust me anymore,” Steve replied, looking back to Bucky who was frowning with tears in his eyes. 

“He’ll understand,” Tony replied while Steve stood.

“We’ll talk more in the morning,” Steve said, motioning for Bucky to stand as well. “Just, leave it be for the night,” everyone stayed quite so Steve took it as them agreeing. Acting on instinct he took Bucky’s hand in his. He didn’t know why he had done it and was about to pull away but Bucky looked relaxed with what was happening, even tightening his own grip, so Steve kept them connected and the two of them walked out. 

The conversation was weighing on him as they walked back to their room. He wasn’t going to order Bucky to do anything, especially fight. And he wasn’t going to risk another Hydra agent taking Bucky back or doing anything to further damage him. 

They walked into their room, Steve told Bucky he could sit where ever he wanted and he chose the sofa. Steve grabbed them some water and sat beside him. “Are you okay?” He asked.

“Yes. Are you?”

“I’m fine, but I’m worried about you.”

Bucky shook his head, “I’m okay.”

“I know you are. You’re good for me,” he felt a prick saying it - he felt like that a lot now - but Bucky looked so happy with the small compliment so he figured it was okay. 

Only a few minutes after they arrived the door opened and Sam and Nat rushed in, locking the door behind them. Steve was about to ask what was happening when Nat started speaking. “I read Rhodey texts message, I knew that something was up when he got that message and I wanted to find out what. It was from one of his commanders, he was asking for an update on Bucky.”

“An update,” Steve echoed quietly turning his gaze to the man in question who was looking at Steve in confusion. “What did he say?”

“That you were being uncooperative and he doubted you would make Bucky fight. They were discussing ways to get him to fight without you.” 

Sam leaned forward, speaking quietly. “You gotta go, like right now. They’re coming here first thing in the morning with an order to take Bucky. They really want to know what he knows and are willing to do a lot to get what they want.”

Steve stood up and walked to his bedroom. Physically he was packing for the both of them so they could leave but mentally he was back in Brooklyn before the war. There were so many things he could have done to stop this whole thing, he would hit himself if he saw his younger self right now. There were two duffle bags sitting on the bed, each half full. They needed to go back to DC, back to his apartment, but it would be guarded the moment Rhodey and Tony found out they had left. 

“Call us if you ever need anything,” Sam said. He handed Steve a flip phone when he walked back out. “We’re on your side.”

“Thank you.”

He got Bucky to stand up and went over to the window, it wasn’t like they could leave through the doors and twenty flights wasn’t too bad. To climb down, he wasn’t about to jump. Bucky followed him to the window and looked down as well. 

“Do you trust me?” Steve asked. Bucky nodded. “Good, because we’re about to break the rules and I need you to trust that I’m doing it for you,” Bucky nodded again. He wasn’t able to go back and stop Bucky getting on the train or going to war but he was able to change what was happening now. He was able to climb out the window and escape with Bucky so that he could have a chance at happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back! With more pain and sadness!
> 
> This is as close to Civil War as we're getting. 
> 
> I have no idea how many chapters this has left! This story just keeps rewriting itself.


	17. Chapter 17

_ When Steve realized he loved Bucky, he froze. Like, literally froze. He couldn’t move or think about anything besides the fact that he was in love with his best friend.  _

_ He was sixteen and Bucky was seventeen and it was so stupid. They were doing homework in Bucky’s bedroom, it was mathematics and both were finding it easy so they started quizzing each other for a little fun. Bucky had tried to argue that he was right when he really wasn't, and it ended up that they were wrestling. Steve didn’t know how they ended up rolling around on the floor, pillows as weapons and laughter filling the air. It ended with Bucky pinning Steve down, he was straddling Steve’s waist and had his hands pinned above his head. _

_ Steve looked up, into those perfect blue eyes, and he realized he was in love. _

_ So he froze, Bucky still on top of him, with an open mouth and wide eyes. He was in love with his best friend, who was another boy, and nothing made sense. Bucky’s eyes widened as well, and he pulled himself off Steve, thinking he had hurt him. The action only made Steve’s realization all the more valid. _

_ “You okay?” Bucky asked he was sitting beside Steve (who was still lying on the floor, gasping like dying fish). “Stevie?” _

_ “I’m fine,” Steve choked but out only because Bucky looked about two seconds away from getting a doctor. _

_ “What’s wrong?” _

_ “Don’t know." _

_ “You hurt?” _

_ “No." _

_ “So you’ve just decided to lay like that for no reason?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ Bucky shrugged, moving so that he was lying right beside Steve. They were pressed up against each other, shoulders against shoulders and thighs against thighs. Not the best position to be in for Steve. Bucky wiggled his body once, trying to get comfortable. “Hardly comfortably, but okay. So, why are we on the floor?” _

_ “Because I’m an idiot.” _

_ “We knew that already.” _

_ “Shut up.” _

_ “Seriously, why are we on the floor?” Bucky asked. Steve sat up, frowning, Bucky following closely. “Stevie, you’re freaking me out a little.  _

_ Steve shrugged a little, “just realized something I didn’t want to, I guess.” _

_ “Which was?” _

_ “Does it matter?” _

_ “If it freaks you out so much, yeah.” _

_ “I’ll tell you later.” _

~~

They were in Romania, or at least Steve thought they were. They had been in Hungary the night before and had driven for a long time, only stopping when they needed to. Or more so when Steve needed to, Bucky had sat silently since they left the airport in Paris over four days ago.

Natasha’s safe house was coming up shortly, Steve was looking forward to sleeping in an actual bed and not in the car. Having a kitchen to cook in and a bathroom that he could shower in. Being on the run was reminding him of his days in the military, which didn’t sit great whenever he thought of Bucky sitting shotgun. All he wanted was for Bucky to have a sense of self (very unlikely) and some happiness (even more unlikely) in his life. He thought that he was getting there back in DC, thought Bucky would be okay. Then William Goldfinch happened and then they had to run and then Steve’s hopes were completely shattered all over again. But, ever the optimist, Steve was hoping a fresh start in Romania would be good for both of them.

~~

_ “Steve?” _

_ “Yeah?” _

_ “Something’s been on my mind for awhile, I don’t really know what to do with it.” _

_ “What is it?” _

_ Bucky closed his eyes, “something's wrong with me. I’m sick.” _

_ “Sick?” Steve repeated, his voice laced with concern. _

_ “Not that kind of sick,” Bucky shook his head, his eyes still closed and his voice tight with unshed tears. Steve moved over on the bed so they were pressed against each other, pushing their English textbooks to the side. “The worst kind of sick. I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it, and I feel horrible about it. But at the same time, I wouldn’t change it. I like being sick, I like it because it makes me happy. Is that bad?” _

_ “No. If it makes you happy it can’t be that bad.” _

_ A pained chuckle left Bucky’s lips. “You’re sweet.” _

_ “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” _

_ “No, I can’t.” _

_ “Why?” _

_ “I love you, Stevie, I truly do and I don’t want you to hate me.” _

_ Steve shook his head vigorously. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.” _

_ “See, Stevie, the thing is, is that I love you. Like, I  _ love _ you. And I know it’s wrong but I can’t find it in me to care all that much because it’s you and it can’t be that bad. But that makes me queer and, I’ve never thought about any other like you. It’s just you and I don’t know what to do and I -” _

_ “Buck,” Steve cut him off. “I know a lot about being sick-” Bucky rolled his (misty) eyes “-and I can tell you that being queer doesn’t make you sick.” _

_ “How do you know?” _

_ With a small smile, Steve leaned up and kissed Bucky’s cheek. “Cause I love you too.” _

_ “Does that mean I get to kiss you?” Bucky asked, and without waiting for the response, took Steve’s first kiss - and Steve wouldn’t have had it any other way. _

~~

The safe house was just outside of Aleșd, a small town in Romania. Apparently, it was in the middle of a forest and he had been assured that it was virtually impossible to find if you didn’t know what to look for. Nat’s text had been short and direct, find Aleșd, get on the DN1H and drive until the end of the stone wall, take the first exit and then drive until the end of the path. Then they had to hike through the forest to find the house. It was perfect. Steve was happy with the location, they needed to be hidden.

What he wasn’t happy with was the fact that he and Bucky were both fugitives now. Sam had messaged them when they were in Vienna a day and a half ago. The military had officially made them both wanted men a few days after they ran from New York. The reason was evading orders which, in Steve’s eyes, was stupid seeing as neither men wherein the military anymore. But it had happened and they probably wouldn’t be allowed back in America ever again. The idea nearly brought Steve to tears the first time he thought about it, and it still cut him deeply, but one look at Bucky had he steeled his nerves on the subject. He would rather be a fugitive in Romania with Bucky safe at his side than in America.

~~

_ “It’s like you like getting punched,” Bucky rolled his eyes as they walked down the path to their apartment. “Why am I pulling you out of an alleyway every day?” _

_ “Because you love me.” _

_ Bucky scoffed, “not even a little.” _

_ “Oh come on,” Steve smiled up at Bucky as he opened the front door. Their neighbor, Mrs. Higginson, waved and both boys waved back. “You love me so much.” _

_ Once they stepped inside, the door closing behind them, Bucky pushed Steve up against the wall and kissed him soundly. The grip on Steve’s hips was hardly gently but what was one more bruise? “Maybe,” Bucky whispered into Steve’s hair. “Even if you are a punk.” _

_ “Well you’re a jerk,” Steve said, fake pouting when Bucky stepped back with a laugh. _

_ “Come on, punk, let’s get you cleaned up.” _

~~

As Steve passed a sign that read ‘Aleșd: 60 KMs’ his phone rang. Only Sam and Natasha had access to this line so he opened it without looking. 

“Steve?”

“Tony,” Steve replied calmly. Inside he was freaking out, why was he calling from Sam’s phone? But more importantly, why was he calling at all?

“I wanted to talk to you,” Tony said. “Sam’s given me five minutes and fifty glares.”

“What did you want to talk about?” Steve asked, looking at Bucky, who hadn’t moved. He was still staring out his window silently. “Don’t have much to say.”

“I know, I just wanted to clear the air. I didn’t explain myself right and if you hadn’t run-”

Steve scoffed. “We ran because we knew people were coming to get Bucky. I’m not letting him fight anymore Tony. Not when he’s like this,” out of the corner of his eye he saw Bucky flinch.

“They weren’t going to do anything. We needed help to convince you.”

“And if you couldn’t? Come on, Tony, I’m not an idiot. I know the tricks and I know what they would have done,” Steve said calmly. He knew how to keep his calm in situations where all he wanted to do was yell, this was one of those times. There was silence over the phone and Steve sighed. “Anything else, Tony?”

“I guess not, you’ve obviously made your mind up.”

“And I won’t be changing it.”

“You can’t hide forever, Steve. We will be able to find you.”

Bucky frowned, but it wasn’t as if he was sad or angry. More like he had taken Tony’s statement as a challenge. “We’ll see,” Steve replied. “I’m not letting anyone take away his freedom again, Tony. I’m sorry.”

“We will find you,” Tony said.

“Goodbye,” Steve replied hanging up. He stared at the phone for a moment longer before turning his gaze back to the road. Using one hand to stare he rubbed his hand over his mouth and chin, his gaze turning into a glare. All his life he had fought. Bullies in alleyways, Nazis in Germany, Aliens in New York and Robots in Sokovia. The one time he didn’t want to fight, the one time he pulled out of the fight altogether, he becomes a fugitive to the country he had died for.

~~

_ It was so hot in New York that summer. It had been hot for weeks and the boys could hardly stand in. Bucky’s genius solution to the problem was to go up to the roof at dusk and try to get some sort of breeze on their skin. Other people had the same idea and on all the roofs they could see, even theirs, people were trying to get some sort of relief from the sweltering heat. Luckily Steve and Bucky were able to find a hidden corner where they hold hands and talk privately. _

_ “How you feeling?” Bucky asked, “you still breathing?” _

_ “I’m fine,” Steve replied. Bucky had come up with this solution tonight of all nights because the humid air had triggered an asthmatic attack. “This is just as hot,” he complained. _

_ “Wait till the sun goes down fully,” Bucky said. _

_ Holding hands, they stayed silent as the sun set, casting orange rays over all the roofs and over them. Bucky had been right, as the sun went down the temperature went with it, to the point where Bucky pulled Steve under his arm. They stayed cuddled up in the shadows of their roof until the sky was pure black. The cool wind sweeping over them was tempting but going back to the - private - apartment sounded even better. _

~~

“I can hide,” Bucky said randomly.

He looked over at Bucky, who was now staring straight ahead, his brows furrowed in concentration and his lips pinched together. It was the most emotion Steve had seen in four days and he relished in it. Until he realized what had been said. “What do you mean?”

“The man on the phone said we can’t hide forever,” he explained. “I can keep us hidden for as long as needed.”

“It’s okay, Bucky, you don’t need to worry about that.”

“You’re my handler,” Bucky replied slowly as if he was thinking hard as he spoke. “You should know my capabilities.”

Steve swallowed. The way Bucky talked about himself like he was a robot or something, made Steve sick to the stomach. He hated it more than anything else. “Well, thank you,” Steve replied after a few too many moments trying to control his breathing. “But I don’t want you to worry about it. I need you to focus on-” he swallowed again “-your mission.”

“Assimilation into society,” Bucky replied.

“Yeah,” Steve nodded. “That one.”

The sun was setting behind them now, casting orange rays all over the countryside. It was a beautiful sight, dusk and dawn were always Steve’s favorite part of the day. He couldn’t explain why, but he liked them more than any other time. As they were driving he let himself just get lost in the colours and beauty of the Romania landscape. He wanted to try and draw it, knowing he could never do it justice but still wanting to try. They would be at the safe house soon, they would be okay. They had to be. 

~~

_ They had been fighting all night. The sound of gunfire still was swimming through Steve’s ears as they walked back to their camp. Bucky was by his side, fiddling with the gun strap across his chest, a grimace on his face. He had been injured, Steve could tell, but he wouldn’t tell him what had happened. Steve let it slide with minimal complaining, they would be with a medic by the time the sun rose. All the howling commandos were walking behind them, out of earshot if they spoke softly. _

_ “You okay?” Steve asked one last time. _

_ “I’m fine,” Bucky snapped back. _

_ “It’s reversed,” Steve observed with a smile. “I’m usually the one snapping that I’m fine.” _

_ Bucky hit Steve across his shoulder, his hand lingering a little longer than it should of. They had been with the other men 24/7 for nearly two weeks, staking out one of the Hydra bases, and were both touch starved. All Steve wanted to do was curl up in his bed with Bucky and let the world fade away for a few moments. He knew Bucky felt the same way, the gazes and touches had steadily increased in length over the last few days. But, they would be back at camp soon, Steve could wait until then to take Bucky into his arms. _

_ Well, until Bucky took Steve into his arms. He would never admit it to  _ anyone _ but he was still the little spoon of the relationship and he hoped that never changed. _

_ “You’re still a punk,” Bucky replied pulling Steve out of his thoughts. “You’re still a punk who likes getting punched when it was completely avoidable.” _

_ “If I hadn’t gone after the doctor we would have lost him forever,” Steve argued. “‘Sides, I can handle a few more punches now.” _

_ “Still don’t like seeing you punched,” Bucky muttered. Steve fake cooed and jokingly pulled Bucky under his arm. If they stayed like that until they got back to the base, it was nobody’s business. _

_ ~~ _

They were silent the rest of the way to the safehouse. Steve was lost in his own thoughts, he didn’t know what Bucky was thinking about - he never did. But he knew he was thinking about what was going to happen now, and how to handle it, and how to deal with Tony and the American Military coming after them. He wanted to handle it diplomatically, he didn’t want to fight with anyone especially Tony and Rhodey. If they just let Bucky be in peace then he would do whatever they wanted. He was ready to fight Hydra, he was ready to fight the bad guys, but he wasn’t going to make Bucky fight.

The safehouse was hard to find, Steve had to hand that to Natasha, the turn off was nearly invisible and they had to walk for twenty minutes to get to the actual house. Steve was confident people wouldn’t find them here. Even so, Nat had told him he shouldn’t stay in one place longer than three months. It made them easier targets. So in three months, they would have to find another safe house and Steve just hoped Nat kept helping him. He knew a few old army bases they could hide in but none would be as nice as an actual house.

“You okay?” Steve asked as they walked up to the door.

“Yes. Are you?”

“I’m fine,” Steve shrugged, moving the strap of his bag to be more comfortable. “Are you okay with all this?” Bucky tilted his head in confusion and Steve sighed at himself. “The running away, living on the run I mean.”

“Are you okay with it?” Bucky asked instead of answering.

Steve nodded, “if it means protecting you.”

“Why?” Bucky asked, his eyes wide.

“I told you, you were my best friend. I’m not going to let people hurt you.”

Bucky went back to being silent.

~~

_ “What are you thinking about?” Bucky asked. _

_ “Nothing,” Steve muttered. _

_ They were lying on Steve’s bed in his tent (“lucky bastard” Bucky said when he saw it “I’m stuck with the others and you’re out here like a goddamn king”) with their arms wrapped around each and their foreheads resting on each other. It was the perfect position for Bucky to flick the back of Steve’s neck. _

_ “Don’t lie to me.” _

_ “There were two soldiers discharged today.” _

_ “Okay, and? Soldiers get discharged all the time.” _

_ Steve shook his head, “they got discharged for doing - well, this.” _ _   
_

_ “Oh,” Bucky muttered. “Don’t worry about it Stevie, they’re not kicking either one of us out.” _

_ “How do you know?” _

_ “Because you’re their best asset,” he said matter of factly. “And not even the president himself can get me away from you again.” _

_ Kissing Bucky, again, Steve smiled. “What did I do to deserve you?”  _

_ “Something amazing, I’m sure.”  _

_ “Surely,” Steve replied before kissing him again.  _

~~

Inside the log cabin style building were a living room/kitchen, a bathroom, and one bedroom. It was hardly bigger than Steve’s living room in his apartment. But it would be fine for the two of them, in fact, it was about the size of their apartment in Brooklyn before the war. Nat had promised the kitchen would be stocked with non-perishables so the first thing Steve was make them dinner. They hadn’t eaten in nearly a day and Steve was definitely hungry. 

Bucky was sitting on the threadbare sofa, watching Steve making a basic pasta over the back of the sofa. Steve didn’t mind him watching, at least he wasn’t too scared to watch him so openly. He had called Steve his best handler when he was crying in DC, it had reinforced the idea that Steve needed to be a handler for Bucky until they figured out how to fix him. At least he could be a good handler, take care of him. 

He could do that. He could be that for Bucky. He had to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's maybe one more chapter left... I wanted to get this done before I move (two days lol) and then Steve just went and told all of these flashbacks sooooo this happened.


	18. Chapter 18

“Steve,” Nat said, pulling him into a hug. “How have you been?” She asked, taking in the bags under his eyes and that he looked like he hadn’t showered since he left New York three months ago. The new safe house was in Latvia and he had only arrived two days ago but already the house was a mess and covered in clothes, she decided not to say anything about that.

“I’m good, how are you?”

“Well, I’m a wanted woman again which is never fun but other than that, I’m great.”

“The order went through?” Steve asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “It was implemented last week. Anyone who knows where you or Bucky are but don’t say anything are criminals now. They told us we could talk or get arrested so we ran as soon as we could. Hope you don’t mind up camping with you two.”

He sighed and pinched his nose. “I’m sorry, Nat, you shouldn’t have been dragged into this.”

“I didn’t get dragged into this, I chose to help you. Steve, please don’t blame yourself for this, okay? We all chose to do this. Now, speaking of the others, Sam and Clint should be here soon. They’ve stopped to grab some food, I guessed you’re out?” He nodded sheepishly. “I thought so, well they’re getting some so we should tidy up while they’re out.”

“Yeah, we were going through what we have. Sorry.”

“Where is Bucky?” She asked as they started packing the two bags that sat on the sofa. “I thought he never left your side.”

“He hardly ever does,” Steve nodded. “But I told him,” he gritted his teeth, anger seeping off him, “I ordered him, to go and have a shower.”

She frowned, “he still needs orders?”

“I have to tell him to eat, he doesn’t do anything without strict instruction,” Steve sat down and placed his head in his hands. “And I can’t get emotional around him because he gets this look of terror on his face if I’m angry. He thinks I’m going to punish him for everything, if he remembered something he panics, if he can’t remember something he panics. Nat, I don’t know how to cope. I thought it was bad after a day, this is something else.”

“You can cope because you have to cope,” she said sternly. “Plus, we’re going to be here to help you now.”

Steve was about to respond when the door opened and Bucky came out of the hallway, changed and showered. He didn’t seem surprised to see Nat there, he didn’t even acknowledge her. Instead, he walked right to Steve’s side and looked at him, “I have completed the tasks you set me.”

“Thank you, Bucky,” Steve replied. His voice was tired and it was so obvious this wasn’t the first time he had this conversation. Nat held back a flinch at the idea of Steve going through all this alone. But didn’t that didn’t matter now, they were here with him. 

~~

“Hi, Sam.”

“Tony.”

“You’re in New York,” Tony stated stupidly. He was surprised to see his former friend so close to the tower. He was usually in DC or off with Steve and Bucky somewhere in the world, doing whatever it was they were doing. Tony never knew where they where Nat had blocked their phone signals so he couldn’t find them. He had to admit that she was smarter than he thought. He hadn’t seen any of them since they left nearly two years ago. 

“Running some errands.”

“For Steve?” Tony asked. A random girl came up shyly asked for a photo, Tony smiled and nodded, motioning for Sam to wait. He didn’t look happy but stayed put. The girl got her photo and ran off. 

Sam nodded after she had left, “Steve needed me to follow a lead.”

“How’s he doing?”

“As good as a man on the run can be,” Sam replied dryly. 

“And Bucky?”

“Still programmed, winter soldier mood, he only listens to Steve, scared of everything. All that.”

“Do you want to come to the tower?” Tony asked after a moment of awkward silence. They were standing only a few blocks from the tower and they could hardly have a private conversation on the streets of New York. “Please,” Tony said when it looked like Sam was about to decline. “Pepper would love to see you.”

He shrugged, “sure. Why not?” They started walking. “I’ve gotta be gone by five. I’m meeting people at six.”

“For Steve?” Tony asked again and Sam nodded hesitantly. It was obvious that he didn’t want to be with Tony, or tell him anything. Tony couldn’t really blame him but it still bit more than he would like to admit. He had been the one to run Steve out of the country, the country he had fought for and died for. He definitely felt bad about it but, still, he felt that he was in the right. Hydra needed to be taken down and Bucky could be of help them do it. Steve’s point of view wasn’t lost on Tony, but he was sticking to what he believes and what he believed was that Bucky could help them. But, he could see why Steve (and Sam) didn’t want to speak to him. 

“For Nat, she thinks there is someone who knows some things.”

“I’m sorry for how this has all gone,” Tony said after a few moments of silent walking. “Truly, I never wanted this to happen.”

“Your apologies are nice and all but we’re still on the run trying to protect Bucky. He doesn’t deserve this, neither does Steve.”

Tony winced as they walked into the tower. He waved off a worker who wanted to talk to him, promising he would do the work later. Sam was looking around as they walked, taking in the renovations Tony had done in the two years. “Bucky doesn't deserve this but the world doesn’t deserve Hydra.” 

“The good of the many outweigh the good of the few,” Sam muttered, stepping in. 

“It’s not fair but it’s true.” 

“We took down the majority Hydra without Bucky, or you or Clint or Thor or anyone else. It was me, Nat, Steve, Maria and Nick Fury. We don’t need Bucky, we don’t need to hurt him even more.”

“He’s already hurt.”

“You don’t punch someone who’s been stabbed.”

That shut Tony up. He didn’t have a response to that. Partly because it was true, partly because he didn’t know how to reply and partly because the elevator opened and Pepper was there. Her face lit up at the sight of Sam, she was very much on their side and had made it very clear that she missed all of them many times. “Sam, hi, how are you?”

“I’m good,” he said hugging her. “Just bumped into Tony and he invited me back. You?”

“I’m good,” she stepped back and motioned for them to follow her into the apartment. “Come on in. Are you thirsty?” She asked they all walked into the entertaining area, Pepper grabbing a pitcher from the fridge and three glasses. Tony sat at the bar and Sam followed. “How have you been? It’s been a long time.”

He shrugged, “not bad. We’re trying to take down the rest of Hydra but it’s proving to be very hard. Steve and Nat are in Africa now, apparently, they have a base there. What about you?”

“Oh, same old same old,” she replied pouring out drinks. “How’s everyone else?”

“As well as they can be. Nat and Clint both said they’re used to this kind of life but it’s weighing on Steve. He pretends he’s fine but you can see how it’s all affecting him. He hates having to be Bucky’s handler, he acts like it’s okay and that he can do it but I don’t think he’ll make it to the end of the year without having a breakdown.”

“That’s terrible,” she replied. 

“He’ll do it until Bucky is Bucky again, he wouldn’t let anyone else have that kind of control over him.”

She nodded, “if you never need anything, you can call us.”

“Thanks, Pepper. Means a lot.”

“So tell us, what have you been up to?”

~~

“Was the lead any good?” Steve asked as soon as Sam walked into the motel room. 

“Hi Sam, how are you,” Sam rolled his eyes. “It wasn’t a total failure but didn’t give anything super useful. I managed to get the location of that boat Clint was talking about though.”

Steve smiled lightly. “Sorry and thank you.”

“It’s fine. Did you sleep at all when I was gone?” Sam asked. Black bags were under Steve’s eyes and his gaze wasn’t as focused as it normally was. He was sitting at the table with files spread out everywhere. Bucky was sitting beside him with a tablet in his hands, he looked much more rested than Steve and Sam couldn’t be surprised. Steve constantly placed Bucky’s health and taking down Hydra over his own wellbeing. “Go and have a shower and sleep. Jesus Steve, we can’t fight Hydra if you’re dead.”

“I’m fine.”

“I’ve got some work to do, I’ll stay with Bucky while you look after yourself. Go and use my room.”

With a sigh, Steve pushed himself away from the table and stood. “Bucky, listen to Sam okay?” Bucky nodded earnestly once and went back to reading the file in his hand. He smiled at Sam and walked out. He was so tired of this life, so tired of having to make sure Bucky had someone in charge of him before he could leave. He never blamed Bucky for it but he didn’t know how long he could handle before something had to change. 

Taking down Hydra was a goal, a goal he would achieve no matter what it took. It was also a goal that he could achieve. Fighting was something he was good at, fighting bullies and winning. He could do that - he would do that. He was happy to do that, happy to fight them and happy to work to the bone to take them down. That wasn’t a problem for him. Sure, he would like the world to be a nice place so he could retire but that wasn’t going to happen so he was going to keep fighting. Steve had been doing it his entire life and would continue until he died. Hell, he could even live his life on the run, he had even gotten used to the motels and evading police and being a wanted man. That wasn’t a problem anymore. 

Bucky was the thing that was weighing on him. Not Bucky, he didn’t like thinking like that, but Bucky’s situation. Being Bucky’s handler was the problem. Having that control over anyone would be hard for him but this was his best friend and lover since childhood. This was someone who had helped him through thick and thin before and during the war. He was someone who Steve loved with all his heart and now he had to live with being in complete control over him. Steve could tell Bucky to do anything and he would say yes without hesitation. If Steve decided to kill Bucky, he didn’t think Bucky would even blink, much less fight back or trying and save himself. It was a hard thought to have. 

It was even harder imaging Bucky with Hydra. Those bastards hard the same level of control and Steve doubted they used it for good. At least he tried to keep Bucky healthy and as happy as he could, making sure he ate and slept, giving him books or movies to read and watch. From nightmares from before he was triggered Steve was able to get a small grasp on what it was like for him under Hydra’s control. One of the nightmares Bucky had that had stuck with Steve was him being forced to lick his own blood off the floor after a beating. 

Steve had to force himself not to punch the motel mirror. This wasn’t his room after all and he doubted Sam would be happy with a broken mirror in his bathroom. 

After his shower, he went back into his and Bucky’s motel room. He did feel better for it, Sam was always right about that. But he needed to check on them before he could sleep. He knew that if he didn’t then he would be tossing and turning for an hour before relenting and getting up. Nat and Clint were in the room now, sitting at the table with Bucky and Sam. They had brought Sam’s table into his room as soon as they arrived, as well as his chairs, so they could all sit together. 

“No way you slept,” Sam said after he had closed the door. 

“I just wanted to check in.” 

“We’re fine,” Nat replied, rolling her eyes. “We can survive a few hours alone.”

Steve sat down at the table, ignoring all the pointed looks sent his way and picked up the file Bucky had been working on. He had been tasked with highlighting any names, places or projects that he remembered. There wasn’t a lot but it was something. “I know you can, but it’s nearly night time and I’ll sleep then.”

“Yeah, okay,” Clint scoffed. 

“Bucky, who’s Iris Sandler? You highlighted her name,” Steve turned to Bucky, ignoring the others, and showed him the file. It was a list of staff from a Siberian facility from the late nineties. 

“A nurse,” Bucky replied. “And a technician.”

“Did she work on you?”

Bucky nodded, “she updated my arm in 1994.”

“Did she work on your programming?” 

It took him a moment to answer. Which Steve didn’t mind at all, when they first started running Bucky would freak himself out so badly if he remembered or if he didn’t. There was a very fine line that Steve hardly managed to walk with Bucky and memory. But, the last two years had proved to be beneficial for him and now he could take a moment to think about his answer. “Yes, I malfunctioned in 1995 and she put me back.”

“Is she still alive?” Clint asked, “this is the best lead we’ve had in a long time.”

Nat clicked away on her phone for a moment. “She is, and I know where she lives.”

“How?” Sam asked.

“Facebook,” she turned the phone to Bucky. “Is this here?” He nodded. “Great, she migrated to America in 2001 and lives in Texas now with her husband - Bill - and has had,” she scrolled once more, “three children.”

Sam leaned back in his chair and pointed at Steve, “we’re not going to America until you sleep for at least six hours straight.” 

Steve sighed, “fine. Sleep and then we find Iris Sandler.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, it took a few days - I'm on a road trip! My family and I are moving to the other end of the country and I didn't have much time to write. 
> 
> But, I do (finally) know how it's ending and when!


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide warning for this chapter. It's nothing graphic and it's a minor character but please proceed with caution.

He wanted to set the alarm for four, his argument was that they needed to leave as early as possible so they could get to Texas and find Iris as quickly as they could. Sam had told him that he wasn’t any way he was getting up at four in the morning. Nat had told him to set the alarm for six thirty and they would be gone by eight. Steve had relented, deciding a night of sleep might do him some good. It had been weeks since he had slept through the night, nightmares or work usually kept him up.  
  
The last nightmare he had was of Bucky, because who else would it be? But it had been worse because he had killed Sam in DC. Collateral damage. Then he had deprogrammed himself somehow (Steve wished he knew how) and had tried to kill himself because of what had happened. When Steve got to him he turned to dust in his hands. That had been three nights ago and Steve still didn’t want to close his eyes. The fear, terror, and repulsion in Bucky’s eyes was too much to go through again.  
  
It had been an hour since everyone had left them alone, going back to their own rooms for the night. They had stayed for dinner, argued about alarms and then left with a warning to sleep through the night. It had just gone nine, he should be sleeping, but Bucky had shaken his head when asked if he was tired and Steve had to respect his answer. Which was a complete lie that Steve told himself to feel better about not sleeping. Instead, he was going over the file Nat had been able to pull on Iris Sandler.  
  
She had worked with Hydra since she left nursing school in 1951, only leaving because she retired just a few years after she worked on Bucky. Which, to Steve, meant she was - and probably still is - Hydra. Which in turn meant she needed to be taken down as well. He was going to kill her, no, he wanted her to go to jail so she could feel at least a fraction of the imprisonment Bucky had felt the past seventy years.  
  
Steve sighed, that was too dark. The darker thoughts were becoming much more common now that they were on the run. The need to take down all of Hydra and punish everyone who had worked for them, but he still wanted to tone down the intensity of the thoughts. No need to make himself even angrier than he already was.  
  
Bucky shuffling in the corner brought him out of his own mind, looking over to him Steve sighed. “Are you tired?” He asked again. He could feel himself starting to fade but he would stay up as long as needed for Bucky.  
  
“Yes,” Bucky nodded after a moment of thinking. And even if it sounded more like a question than an answer; it was something and Steve took it to be good. He didn’t know if Bucky was figuring out if he was tired or if he was deciding how to answer but he had gotten an answer in the end.  
  
“Come on,” Steve stood. After collecting all the files into one of the briefcases they used the two of them walked into the bedroom.  
  
Their motel rooms usually had the two beds in the main living room but occasionally - like this one - there was a separate room. Just one room though, it was so rare to find a place with two bedrooms that would house them and they could afford. But today they had to go into the one room with two single beds. Bucky changed as quickly as he always did, he never wasted a single second of the day, and Steve followed him.  
  
“Do you understand what’s happening tomorrow?” Steve asked when the lights were out and they were in their beds.  
  
“We’re going to Texas. Iris Sandler is the target.”  
  
“She’s not a target,” Steve corrected softly. “She’s - she’s someone who we need to talk to, she might know something important.”  
  
“About me?” Bucky asked quietly.  
  
Steve winced, Bucky thought he was fine. He didn’t believe Steve (or anyone else) when they told him that this wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. Ever since New York, he had been convinced that he was right. That there was nothing wrong - that he wasn’t supposed to remember because he didn’t have memories because he wasn’t human. God, when Bucky had said that, it had hurt Steve more than he liked to admit.  
  
“Yeah,” Steve nodded in the dark. “About you.”  
  
“Is something wrong with me?” Bucky sounded scared and so, so, small.  
  
“No, nothing’s wrong. We just need outside help,” Steve was quick to reassure him. They lay in slightly uncomfortable silence for a while before Steve realized what he had said and how Bucky could take it, “Bucky?”  
  
Bucky turned to look at Steve before answering. “Yes?”  
  
“When you were with Hydra, what did ‘outside help’ mean?”  
  
“That I was malfunctioning.”  
  
“What would they do to you?”  
  
“Before they called for help they would scan my head with a tube and look at pictures for a long time. The majority of the time I was injected with a mix of medicine. They didn’t tell me what it was. It made my head feel like it was being hit, and it made me be sick, and it made me dizzy. When that was gone they would put me in the chair again. If I was still malfunctioning when they brought me out of the chair they would call for outside help. Those men were always in white coats. They injected me with more things that felt worse and then punished me.”  
  
Steve had to force himself to not get up so he could punch the wall. “What were the punishments?”  
  
“Anything.”  
  
“Right, thanks for answering. You can go to sleep now, I’ll wake you in the morning,” Steve replied. He knew he wouldn’t wake Bucky, the man would be wide awake before Steve stirred, up and ready to go. Mission ready. Closing his eyes, Steve waited until Bucky had fallen asleep before turning his own mind off and letting himself drift off.  
  
~~  
  
America hadn’t changed much since the last time Steve was there, coming up to two and a half years ago, and for that Steve was thankful. He missed his home when he was away, missed running around DC and trying to find old places in Brooklyn. Texas was the same old Texas Steve knew, even if they only drove through the cities. Nat had found Iris’s addresses overnight and was directing Sam on how to get to her house in the ‘burbs of Houston, Texas.  
  
Bucky was staring out the window of the car as they drove, his hands folded on his lap. He hand Steve had been put in the very back of the car with Clint in the middle. Steve didn’t mind, it meant they could talk quietly and not worry about being overheard. Which was a definite luxury these days. “Bucky?” Steve called quietly when they had entered the ‘burbs where she lived. Bucky turned and put all his attention on Steve. “You remember when you were first-” he hesitated “-activated for me, you were given the book?”  
  
“Yes?” Bucky winced.  
  
“Don’t worry,” Steve said quickly. He didn’t want Bucky thinking he was in trouble for it. “I just wanted to know if you remembered it.”  
  
He nodded, “I do.”  
  
“What do you remember in the book?”  
  
“Bad lies.”  
  
“Can you remember anything specifically?”  
  
It took a moment for Bucky to answer. “My code name, James Buchanan Barnes, Bucky. I said that Hydra was bad and that I ran away. That I had a life in Brooklyn before 1945 with you. That you were important to me. That I had a family and I was in a museum.”  
  
“What do you think of that book?”  
  
“That it’s bad.”  
  
Steve sent him a strained smile, he was hoping for something. Every few weeks they had this conversation, Steve always hoped for something more than what he got. “When we’re with Iris I want you to stay in the car, okay?” Bucky nodded but looked upset. “You didn’t do anything, I promise, it’s just that she’s not good and will try to make you bad.”  
  
“I won’t be bad.”  
  
“I know,” Steve smiled. He had gotten better at acting pleased over the last few years. Good at acting like Bucky’s words didn’t break his heart. “But it’s a precaution. We won’t be in there for long.”  
  
“Okay,” Bucky nodded and went back to looking out the window.  
  
The car came to a stop outside a normal looking house. It blended in with all the others, one story with a front door in the middle and two windows on either side. There was a stone path leading to the door with flowers lining it and gnome at the bottom of the patio. Perfectly normal. Everyone bar Bucky got out of the car. They were all wearing civilian clothing with hats pulled low, trying to stay hidden from the people in the houses surrounding them. As a well-trained team, the four of them made their way to the door and let themselves in.  
  
She was sitting in an armchair facing a TV turned on to daytime shows, smirking when she saw them. “I was wondering when you were going to come,” she drawled. Her German accent still very prominent. “Captain America, I remember listening to the radio after you were created. I was such a young, naive, little girl.”  
  
“You knew we were coming,” Nat replied evenly. “And yet you left the door unlocked.”  
  
“A lock wouldn’t so much against you. And yes, I knew you were coming because I keep in contact with old friends. Friends who have gone dark thanks to you.”  
  
“They deserved it,” Clint snapped.  
  
“One of them was my husband,” she replied. A hint of sadness flicked across her eyes before it was replaced with a blank smirk. “My dear old Bill, killed by the man he hated since he was a boy. Captain America.”  
  
Steve didn’t change his facial expression. Hearing about the lives of the people he had killed was never fun. He usually just pretended they were nameless faceless goons that had no one waiting for them. But he could play the part of a heartless asshole. “He wasn’t the first Hydra agent and he won’t be the last.”  
  
With a shrug, she sat up straighter. “I’m five years younger than you,” she said, “yet here I am creaking away while you stand there as young as ever,” Steve just scowled at her. “I’m assuming you’re here because of your friend.”  
  
“Yes,” Steve replied. “We want him back.”  
  
“He’s right there,” she replied evenly with a smirk.  
  
“You’re not in the best position to be making jokes,” Nat threatened. “We know you worked with him, we know you programme him. We want you to reprogram him.”  
  
She laughed, shaking her head. “He can’t be unprogrammed.”  
  
“It’s happened before,” Sam pointed out.  
  
“A malfunction,” she replied. “One that shouldn’t have happened and only happened because he was under so much stress. You won’t be able to replicate that unless you restart Project Insight, threaten to kill him if he fails, have him placed on a failing helicarrier facing a man who he thinks he has to kill but knows he shouldn’t. Anyway, I heard William used another set of code words that were experimental only, we didn’t know if they would work. Guess they did, huh? These new trigger words are stronger than the old ones, they can’t be broken out of. They were only going to be used if necessary because we didn’t know the effects of them. If it was that, there’s no way to get your Bucky back. Tell me, Captain, why would Hydra create a weapon that easily backfires?”  
  
“There’s always a way,” Steve said.  
  
“No, there isn’t. You can’t fight your way out of this one. Hydra will rise again, that I am sure off. When they do they will kill you and take back Bucky to be a weapon once again. In the last two years alone they’ve been working tirelessly to get Hydra back to its former glory. We will get there.”  
  
“I won’t stop fighting,” Steve replied. “I won’t stop until Hydra’s gone.”  
  
Iris shrugged, “or until your dead,” and with that, she pulled out a handgun from beside her and fired. Steve had seen people be shot before, but an up close suicide wasn’t something he was ready for. Apparently, the others felt the same way since they all filed out of the house quickly after that.  
  
Bucky was still sitting in the car, were Steve had left him. After everyone had gotten in he turned to Steve. “Are you okay?”  
  
“Fine, why?”  
  
“You’re pale.”  
  
“Nothing’s wrong,” she shook his head. “I just need a drink. Are you okay?”  
  
He nodded and copied Steve, “fine. Why?”  
  
“Just checking up on you. You know that I’m with you to the end of the line, right?”  
  
Bucky tilted his head to the side, thinking before he smiled. Steve knew that smile, it was his fake smile that he did when he was confused and thought he had to pretend to be human. Steve hated that smile. But then it changed, and it was like Bucky - his Bucky - was smiling at him again. “‘Till the end of the line,” he nodded. The smile only lasted until Nat started the car and they drove off. “Did you get the information you needed?” He asked when they had left the street.  
  
“Yeah,” Steve said with a completely fake smile. “We did. You’re brilliant.”  
  
“Really?”  
  
Steve nodded through the unimaginable sadness building in his chest. “Yup, she told us that you’re fine. We messed up,” he lied through his teeth. In the front of the car, Clint winced and Sam looked at his lap. Nat meet Steve’s eye in the rear view mirror and she smiled reassuringly at him.  
  
“What are we doing now?” Bucky asked.  
  
“We still have to take down Hydra,” Nat said from the front of the car. Steve didn’t know if she was talking to him or to Bucky. Hell, she could have been talking to herself. “That’s still our mission.”  
  
_There’s no way to get your Bucky back._

_No. No. He'll get his Bucky back._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's all over! I'm really sad that it's done! Thank you to everyone who stuck with me and cried with me!
> 
> The squeal - Beautiful Souls - has been published 
> 
> Thanks again!!


End file.
